Am I being a bit precious?

[thehelpfulghost]

It was my birthday on Monday and the night before my husband told me he hadn’t got me anything, I said it’s fine maybe thinking he was joking but no he didn’t give me anything and there was nothing from the children who are 4 and 7.
one of the children had suggested a birthday cake while doing the weekly shop so my husband put one in the trolly and it is still in the fridge 2 days later, even after one of the children asked when we were having the cake he replied it’s in the fridge so not wanting to put my own candles on and start singing it’s still in the box in the fridge.
In over 10 years I only get birthday presents if I choose them and only Christmas presents if I buy them and wrap them and put them under the tree (he will write from him or the children on the tag) otherwise nothing.

I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something. His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want.
I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents? Several people have asked me if I got anything nice for my birthday and I have said yes thank you and changed the subject so not to admit I didn’t get anything.

You need to tell him how this is making you feel.

God how sad for you :(

You aren't putting your foot down enough. One of you should have got the cake out for the kids sake. Don't start playing games, it'll mess up your kids. Tell him straight. Your poor bloody seven year old.

You need to tell him that the complete lack of effort on his part makes you feel unappreciated.

Jesus, he could buy anything, a mug, a picture frame, a scarf just something. He's teaching your girls what time expect from a partner. You're teaching your girls what to accept from a partner.

Time to change the way you celebrate occasions.

I would stop buying him christmas and birthday presents. It isn't petty. It is the way he wants his life to be.

DH is normally pretty good but for one significant birthday he did nothing - nothing at all. We were away on a holiday (present to me from a relative that he got to enjoy too) and I bought my own birthday cake and waited in vain for presents or even a home made card from the kids. I was so upset. I waited until we came home and we went out to dinner and I told him exactly how it made me feel. That he had a lovely set of home made cards from the kids for his significant birthday (6 months before) plus presents and I had nothing - no card from my immediate family. He was devastated. To this day I don't know what happened him (recently he told me again how sorry he was and it is years later).

But the big thing for me was what it said to my children. Mum doesn't get her birthday celebrated but dad does? Mum is in charge of all celebrations including her own fucking birthday? He shaped up after that but I was truly upset (and this was a one-off) so I feel for you OP.

Sit him down and maybe say ok so we don't celebrate birthdays in this house and don't do adult christmas presents - all good to know. We of course will celebrate children's birthdays and christmas so you need to start pulling your weight.

Has he always been like this? Unless there's a drip feed about how he used to really try and you didn't appreciate anything he bought you no you are not being precious he sounds lazy and awful!

Your dh needs to know this is not ok.
By not making a fuss he gets away with frankly selfish behaviour.
I’ve been married 48 years and my dh has never forgotten or ignored my birthday, Christmas or anniversary. One year he bought me some kitchen items for Christmas and he got blasted and the following year I got emerald earrings.

It’s a fact that the way you allow others to treat you will become the standard. Eventually your dc will think that you are not important enough to receive special treatment on your birthday and Christmas. You allow yourself to be bottom then that’s where you will be.

You need to address it now.

Why do you bother getting this poor excuse for a husband a present from you? Just let DC pick him something inexpensive. Don't make a fuss of him, buy him a card or cake. Give him a taste of how it feels to be ignored on his birthday. He told you the night before he didn't have you a gift or card so he didn't even forget. If your own DH can't make a fuss of you on your birthday it's a poor show. I'd tell him you find it not acceptable. You can give him a list of things you'd like and he can get you something from the list. No card is inexcusable. Your kids will realise he doesn't give a shit about your feelings.

how depressing. The worst bit is he is teaching your kids that this is how to treat your partner on their birthday! It doesn't sound petty to stop buying for him, but it would not really get you anywhere either.

That said I am totally and utterly stuck on what to get DH for his birthday.

If he had told me on the night before that he hadn't bothered to get anything, I would have told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to go shopping before he came from work or just not to bother coming home at all. Even the best of men will do the minimum that they can safely get away with, dont ever allow that again and tell him well in advance. If he needs a list then write one but never accept less than you offer him. It won't take him above 5 minutes to get the message so long as you make it clear

No he’s never bothered but I have usually seen something in the run up or just after and bought it as my birthday present.
I would understand if he genuinely didn’t want to participate in gift swapping but he loves Christmas and is the first to put the decorations up and wants presents under the tree for himself and the children but I’m expected to use the joint account to buy myself something if I want anything and he’ll write on the tag and then give it to me with no idea what it is and then he plays Santa handing all the gifts out that I’ve bought.

This is awful behaviour from him OP, and I’m really sorry. As others have said, he is also setting a bad example for your children. The fact that he cares about presents for himself but not for you makes me very sad. In your situation I would need to tell him how I feel. I hope you feel you can do that, and I would certainly not be buying him presents. There is nothing precious about how you are feeling at all.

Stop getting him gifts - and get the kids to get you gifts - teach them you treat their mama .. even if their dad is useless.

I started buying my own gifts a few years back.. and involving the kids in those choices. .they are teenagers now - and know what I like so they get me decent gifts now. OH is 'told ' by them what I want..

Just read the Christmas part - does he buy and wrap those gifts?

No, he will only write the tags on the gifts I’ve bought and wrapped and he wants loads under the tree for everyone.

Never buy him another gift again
He's a thoughtless, pathetic man. Your poor kids wanting to celebrate Mummy's birthday with a cake and he just hasn't bothered!
Get the candles on it and let the kids sing happy birthday, then cut everyone a slice apart from him and sit there eating it in front of him!

I bet he's a horrible man in other aspects too, you probably need to leave him, it won't get better

Does he know vouchers exist or he could ask you for a few preferred gifts.
Miserable!

Your kids will start buying you presents when they get older. I hadn't had a birthday present in maybe 10 years, then last year my teenage son bought me a tv with Christmas money he'd saved. It made me feel really happy and loved

"and then he plays Santa handing all the gifts out that I’ve bought."

This is the saddest part as I read your updates. You are invisible to him.
He celebrates his birthday but doesn't value you enough to celebrate yours. "Don't know what you want" is pathetic. It's not difficult to buy some jewellery or perfume or any clothing, chocolate, even if it's not your choice, just, something.
And then he celebrates Christmas, he gets to play the happy role of gift-giver, for gifts he didn't buy and with knowing that he didn't get anything for the person who he should treasure in his life.
Tell him exactly how you feel. Don't be apologetic or try to justify your feelings, just tell him straight how you feel.

My DH became really bad with gifts about 10 years into our relationship. I put up with is for several more years, then we had kids and it got worse in a way which really got to me because I put a load of effort into getting him gifts from the kids - initially just things I thought he’d love and as they got a little older to teach them about gift giving. But he did not improve.

Eventually, about 20 years into our relationship, when the kids were 7ish, I just kind of gave up. I still put effort in with the kids but I started phoning it in with the gifts from me. They became generic, sometimes late, occasionally something he already had. I stopped arranging a night out for us somewhere for birthdays and started just making a dinner with cake after.

It took about 18 months, 2 birthdays and a Christmas, and the quality of his gifts to be turned around. They became really, really good, showing real effort and thought. It took a few years for me to catch up and switch back to caring, I really had burnt out and to some extent it was part of a bigger picture in our relationship. I don’t know for sure if me treating him the way he treated me was part of what turned things around, but I think it’s worth a try. Apart from anything else, it cuts back on the resentment you feel if you get nothing after having pushed the boat out a bit for him.

Why do you let him do this. If he wants a pile of presents then he goes out and buys them. If he doesn't contribute his time and effort then he doesn't get to play santa claus. He sounds right up himself. And a taker not a giver (and a taker of credit for work he didn't do too - if he tried that at work he'd be the least popular worker there - oh sandra I know you prepared the entire presentation and I did nothing but I'll deliver it to the client. Depressingly I have actually have met men like that but it was years ago and I hoped that crap was over)

I hope he is better than this day to day. Is he?

Have an honest conversation with him and tell him this shit is over. He either likes presents/fuss or he doesn't. If he likes it he puts in some bloody effort. And next christmas stand up and say "actually dh I think I'll be handing out the presents this year. Can't wait to see what you got me"

He's showing you exactly how much he values you, and that isn't a lot OP.

He, I assume has a job and manages to hold down a career, is capable of reading, writing and dr sing himself. In short he's a competent functioning adult man who doesn't buy you a gift because it's not important to him.

He's setting the standard for your children that this is how they treat their wives and partners, and if their partner wants more? Then there's something wrong with them because their own mother was happy to get fuck all.

I'm sorry your husband is shit, truly. But you have to choose what to do about it, and you should.

Gosh this is awful. I'm really sorry op and it's not the norm. My dh can be useless at some things but he'd never be selfish like that and show our daughters that's how it should be. We will often in the run up to our birthdays set a budget for ourselves and send over some ideas of things we really want, but then we also get each other some nice surprise bits too. I think you really need to have a discussion with him and just say going forward, you can send ideas to him but you don't want to go out buying your own present or wrapping it and you expect back exactly what you give otherwise it will be the same for him. No thought no care , see how he likes it then. It's just complete laziness and taking you for granted and you aren't being precious at all. Change this , you deserve to be spoilt by your husband on your birthday ♥️

That's just mean
I'm 71 and have been with my DH since I was 15.
He's never not bought me a card and present.
I didn't think that loving partners did this. Miserable pig!
Belated happy birthday from me. Mx.