Am I being a bit precious?

[thehelpfulghost]

It was my birthday on Monday and the night before my husband told me he hadn’t got me anything, I said it’s fine maybe thinking he was joking but no he didn’t give me anything and there was nothing from the children who are 4 and 7.
one of the children had suggested a birthday cake while doing the weekly shop so my husband put one in the trolly and it is still in the fridge 2 days later, even after one of the children asked when we were having the cake he replied it’s in the fridge so not wanting to put my own candles on and start singing it’s still in the box in the fridge.
In over 10 years I only get birthday presents if I choose them and only Christmas presents if I buy them and wrap them and put them under the tree (he will write from him or the children on the tag) otherwise nothing.

I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something. His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want.
I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents? Several people have asked me if I got anything nice for my birthday and I have said yes thank you and changed the subject so not to admit I didn’t get anything.

I'd swap the tags for ones from me...

Aww.

That's lovely!

I find when men treat you like that, can’t be bothered or don’t care enough to make an effort, it’s because they’ve been allowed to treat you like that and you’ve let it slide 🤷🏻‍♀️ sit him down, tell him calmly how his behaviour makes you feel and what you expect of him and that nothing less will be acceptable. Value yourself enough to NOT accept his treatment of you, it’s disrespectful and frankly, he’s taking the piss by saying oh he dies t know what you want! Stop cooking or doing his laundry etc…because you didn’t know he wanted it done??? I’ve always made it quite clear from the beginning of every relationship that I have certain expectations, I won’t accept anything less..

Also just to add, he’s setting a shit example to your child who will think it’s ok to treat his partners in the same way! Nip it in the bud now…
my husband passed away last year but because of the amazing man he was and the wonderful example he set, my children decorated the house while I was asleep, bought gifts, flowers, baked me a home made cake and cooked me a meal! They made their father proud and continue to do so. Take charge of your situation and tell your husband to pull his finger out and start showing he values you esp on your special days!! If you allow this treatment if you, he will continue to be a dick about it..

"I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something."
Well YABU for this when he doesn't bother for you.
Either he doesn't think presents for adults are important, (which is fair enough, lots of people don't, I don't enjoy it myself) in which case he won't miss having them himself.
Or he does like receiving presents, but still doesn't bother getting you anything, in which case he's a twat that doesn't deserve you bothering with him.

stop buying him anything at all, from either you or the kids. and stop buying him stuff from the two of you for the kids, just say it's all from mummy if he can't be bothered to get involved there either. If you act like a doormat don't be surprised when people step on you.

If you would like presents for your birthday you deserve to receive some from people who love you. It's not an unreasonable or entitled expectation, it's the norm - otherwise other people wouldn't have bothered asking if you'd had anything, and you wouldn't have had to feel you needed to lie and say yes.

Wowser, you deserve so much more. Im guessing the rest of your relationship isn't great either? If I'm right you need to plan your escape you only get one life he knows he's treats you bad - no amount of explanation is needed.

My XH also used to smile and pretend-humble when people thanked him for the birthday and Christmas gifts that I had bought and wrapped and labelled. He never once said 'actually, the kids' presents were as much a surprise to me as they were to them.' And then, one year he came back from working away just before my birthday so he was home on the actual day (instead of just leaving me with the five kids under seven trying to celebrate by myself with no gifts at all). I waited for the present (shades of the Tenth Anniversary disaster, but that came later). Nothing. Eventually he said 'I thought about getting you something for your birthday, but I decided to use the money for my train ticket.'

I mean, yes, we were quite hard up, so very sensible. But DON'T FUCKING TELL ME I CAME SECOND TO THE TRAIN TICKET! He could have just said 'sorry darling, no money for a present, here's a cake I made you with the kids.' Or, anything really. Rather than just 'yeah, no.' I'd have felt much better if he hadn't told me.

Tell him you are stopping this right now. You are no longer buying your own gifts. He knows what perfume you wear as it’s literally on the bathroom shelf! He knows what alcohol you like and could buy a bottle of gin.
you are not his secretary. But you do need to lay down the law. He is to give the kids £5-10 each and they can choose you a present. It might be something they like eg chocolate bar to share with them 😂 but they will have thought about it and choose a card.
it makes you sad and he should want to prevent that.
if kids ask why you have no present at Xmas tell them gently that daddy didn’t do it.
don’t buy him anything yourself but give the kids some cash at Xmas to choose and wrap something for their dad.

you will have to stoop to this petty level to make a difference.

In my observations men behave like this when they don’t want to be in the relationship any longer. He’s doing the no effort thing in the hope you’ll have enough and leave him.

This is the kind of thing that makes me never want to date another man.

Have you considered taking yourself on a trip or day out next year without him? It'd be better than hoping for better from him.

Selfish, lazy, uncaring, take your pick.
I certainly wouldn't be buying him another thing.

Could be, yes.

I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything,
Not true. You are absolutely entitled to a gift(s) and special treatment from your family.

I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty?
"Right, so we'll just ignore you now, shall we?" Or just do nothing for him.

Are men just rubbish at presents?
No, but yours is.

How long has this been going on for? Every time you accept it you tell him it's okay and that you are not worrh consideration. Look what this is teaching your children. They wonder why your cake is still in the fridge and mummy isn't having a birthday!!!!!
I'm outraged for you. 🤬
Put the candles on it and get a nice take away if you're not up to cooking a special meal and throw a party for yourself with your dc.
Think very long and hard about why you allow yourself to be treated poorly and if it really is worth keeping your marriage. I fear it will get worse and your poor dc, if daughters, are learning to have a very low bar with men and if sons to treat women poorly.
Please heed the signs!

well, that part's normal. all men do that.

but even men who have forgotten will usually panic buy something when reminded, which he would have been by the cake.

Of course you're not being precious, you're hurt. It's up to you how you want to deal with it but it sounds like you've spoken to him about it already so frankly at this point what's good for the goose. Stop buying him presents.

*caveat to the above - I would warn him first that you won't be gifting him anything.

As a single parent who’s child’s father has always been hit and miss, I’ve always taken my child to the shops and made a big fuss of them picking me a card and a present. Any random thing. I will do a full routine not looking in the basket, telling the shop assistant it’s a big surprise and not to let me see what it is. My child loves it. I’m not let down if dad can’t be arsed and more importantly than the fact I’ve had to do that myself, my child knows my birthday matters as much as anyone else’s. I’d do that for you and dad. Fuck thoughtful gifts, go to home bargains with £5 and let ya kids get a card and some tat and that be all he has. Not petty for the kids but you don’t have to do for someone that has no intention of doing it back.

I got so sick of mine doing this that I started buying my own gifts, and when he still didn't get the hint I made him buy his own Christmas and birthday gifts too. He was really annoyed to start with but it got the message across.
Luckily two of my three kids are good at getting gifts for me, and the eldest I tell what to get me.
Some people are just hopeless like that.

I am horrendous at gifts, can't think what to buy and hate buying things for the sake of it. Christmas is my idea of a nightmare.

BUT I constantly tell the other half NOT to buy me anything at all. Some people just hate presents (me) I would much rather just go out to dinner personally.

That is pathetic of him. How lazy and thoughtless can someone be. I think this sort of behaviour smacks of complacency- ‘she’ll put up with it even if I make zero effort.’

He's a miserable bastard and he doesn't deserve you. Send him the links to what you want. Give him a selection so there's still a slight unknown. Very very clearly tell him that from now on you expect a birthday gift and a Christmas gift from him AND something from the children. And then tell him that if he doesn't then you are leaving because he obviously has no respect or regard for you. Tell him he is on his last chance.

I’m a psychopath, when’s his birthday?

In a week or two tell him you’d like him to book the day off work because you’ve got something special planned . Depending on his reaction to this book a day out for yourself , if he grovels about your birthday explain how you felt.

Stop getting him presents. It's not good for the children. They need to learn to be generous in Birthdays.

Oh my gosh this is absolutely not okay! Poor you, and your poor girls! I feel heartbroken for your girls that they didn’t get to sing happy birthday to you with the cake they chose 😔You definitely need to speak to him about how you feel. It’s not hard to pick some chocolates and a bunch of flowers up for goodness sake! We don’t spend much on adult birthdays, but we always do breakfast in bed, couple of presents, cake, and a few party games (pass the parcel, musical statues etc) just the 4 of us x

@MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned I am pretty certain that this is so bonkers that it's a deliberate troll/attempt to derail the thread, but on the off-chance it isn't: there is absolutely zero chance that when your children are adults living with their own partners they will think that this was normal and so expect it from other people

Wow. No, not an attempt to derail the thread - how bizarre. And yes, it is real, why wouldn’t it be, because not everyone thinks like you? We just believe it’s the most sensible way to go. The point of posting was to show OP that not everyone thinks like this for adult birthdays, Xmas etc, and maybe DH didn’t but it seems that’s moot as subsequently OP has clarified that they expect gifts on their bday, Xmas etc, so that does indeed make him an unreasonable prick. Not having the same expectations/stance though would not, but in that case you’d think he’d have the good grace to request no gifts on hallmark occasions so it wasn’t one sided.

And again, ffs, we do gifts, everyone in our household does gifts, just as and when we genuinely want to/see something suitable/recognise a need, not because hallmark tells us we have to. So no one ‘misses out’. And we did the artificial thing for the kids when they were children and too young to understand about the artificial nature of it.