Am I being a bit precious?

[thehelpfulghost]

It was my birthday on Monday and the night before my husband told me he hadn’t got me anything, I said it’s fine maybe thinking he was joking but no he didn’t give me anything and there was nothing from the children who are 4 and 7.
one of the children had suggested a birthday cake while doing the weekly shop so my husband put one in the trolly and it is still in the fridge 2 days later, even after one of the children asked when we were having the cake he replied it’s in the fridge so not wanting to put my own candles on and start singing it’s still in the box in the fridge.
In over 10 years I only get birthday presents if I choose them and only Christmas presents if I buy them and wrap them and put them under the tree (he will write from him or the children on the tag) otherwise nothing.

I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something. His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want.
I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents? Several people have asked me if I got anything nice for my birthday and I have said yes thank you and changed the subject so not to admit I didn’t get anything.

Oh God!!! This kind of behaviour towards a spouse really makes me grind my teeth!! Its a rotten example to your DC that he's setting. Rotten. One of the nicest times was going shopping with them and them enjoying choosing something for a parent's gifts, they delighted in it. You've given them that experience. Scrooge has not.

"I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything,"
Who told you that? FFS Yes you blooming well should!

I note that you get all the Christmas stuff and he certainly enjoys his presents! and handing out presents that YOU have brought into being. grrr.

My FIL once took it apon himself to give out all the presents in a feeding frenzy, chucking them at people to "get it over with," whilst the kitchen slave (me) was loading the dishwasher, couldn't wait a few blooming minutes. I only realised when I could hear him saying "Say Thankyou!" Blooming thanking him for the presents that I'd thoughtfully planned and queued to buy and paid for and wrapped! Also gave BILs DC some small fun presents meant for my DC ( which they insisted on keeping) and then slagged me off for "Not labelling everything properly." (Didn't need label as had special wrapping paper for each child and I was going to give them myself ) My reward was to watching them laugh opening them. Missed that. Bloody infuriating. After that we had to give DC all their presents in one go before meeting relatives, as just couldn't stand the interfering nonsense anymore.

I get the suggestions that you shouldn't buy your DH presents etc going forward... it would be satisfying, but that just plays into his Scrooge leanings and lets him get away with it. Why should you all sink to his miserable level and deny your kids the pleasure of celebrating family birthdays etc?

Unfortunately, you have to lay down the law.
"Its my birthday in x weeks. I have put a lot of effort into making your birthday special. Now I need you to do the same for me.
Here's the budget for the DC
Here's a list of suggestions but they are also allowed to suggest.
Take them shopping, buy together the card, suitable gift wrap (ie not last years Thomas the Tank engine wrapping).

This is what I do for you and it's time you realised what an effort that is and how disappointing it is when you just don't bother. It's a good example for the DC. They enjoy it. You might even enjoy it. You are not allowed to complain, moan about the cost or be otherwise grumpy about it when you are doing this with them. That is unkind to them.

In future you only hand out presents that you've been involved in. In future you will buy presents for your side of the family, and wrap them.

In return. I will continue to put the effort in to make your birthday special. I hope you think back and appreciate all the times I have done this before you say I'm high maintenance. It's not the person who's been faithfully making birthdays special who is high maintenance. It's the person who does absolutely nothing."
Ohh this was a triggering post. Rant over OP

I agree. But there's a seven year old that neither of them has give a shit about and now the OP wants to game play further. She should have said to him you need to sort getting the cake out. If she's in a shit marriage, then she needs to get out not drag the kids Into their misery as well.

That’s awful. He’s not treating you with the love and respect you deserve. You should have taken the cake out the fridge though, lit a candle and let your kids have some cake (ie don’t be passive). He needs a good talking to!

Talk to him.

No this is not normal, stop buying and wrapping your own gifts. Tell him this is important to you, he's setting a bad example to his children and he needs to step up. It's really not difficult in this day and age to pick up a few nice gifts(Amazon?!) He needs to do better.

I am a very unexpecting person, I believe we aren't owed anything except basic things in life (like just common human decency) but the exception to that for me is you DH/DP who should be the one person who goes above the bare minimum for you.

They actively choose you because they supposedly love you and should act in such a way. If they can't be arsed to ever try and don't see the point in doing anything to make you happy then why even be together.

Does he have a job? Is he a functioning adult? Does he need to be micromanaged in other aspects of his life? I suspect not.
has he never bought you gifts?

So he gets the starring role, all the glory, for handing out the gifts that you have bought?

I’d say he seems like a selfish narcissist and unless you state that it is simply not good enough, he will continue doing this. I’d hazard a guess though, that he displays this behaviour in other ways too - does he make the bed, pop on the washing unprompted, make you a tea/coffee when making his, turn over the channel without checking if you are watching something, voluntarily watch the kids and pop in at least once with paracetamol/drinks when you are ill?

If not, I’d suggest there is more wrong here that his behaviour on Monday.

This is unacceptable and I really feel for you. I'm 7 years divorced but xh and I still do birthday/Christmas/mother's and father's day presents and cards for each other for the sake of the dc.

Lay it out how you feel, and rein in the efforts you go to so he can see how it feels!

You're not being precious but you shouldn't have said it was OK when he told you he hadn't bought you any presents. Of course he's an adult and it would be great if he independently showed love and gratitude by thinking about your birthday and Christmas but you are going to have to tell him how this has made you feel.

Calmly say that you will no longer buy him presents if he doesn't reciprocate. Two weeks before your birthday, maybe a month before Christmas, give him a list of things you would like. Make the list detailed and long enough that you don't expect everything on it, so you are still getting surprises. If you want him involved in shopping for gifts for the DC write some ideas for them too.

On Christmas day he gets to open one present from you for each one he gives you - don't let yourself be palmed off with "I thought you could buy yourself something in the sales".

He knows the pleasure he gets from presents and being made a fuss of. He is being unkind and selfish not to do the same for you.

This was heartbreaking to read. He sounds cruel and selfish, and rather like he still wants to be a kid with all the fun and none of the responsibility. He's your husband ffs.

My dad had his confidence knocked terribly with regard to gift buying very early on in my parents marriage. He put loads of effort into choosing a piece of jewellery for my mum, and when she opened it she made a face and asked if he'd kept the receipt. Returned the next day. He was crushed. For their next anniversary he bought her some gardening tools, and for the rest of their marriage (divorced now, lol) she would tease him in front of friends and family about how unromantic he was.

I didn't find this out until adulthood when he told me about it (😭) but it explains why 90% of the time he only gives either very dull practical gifts, or money. But never nothing. We live in different countries now, but he always sends a card for Christmases and birthdays, and if I see him for Christmas he will make a point of wrapping up a box of chocolates to go under the little tree for me. He doesn't even bother putting a tree up if I'm not there, but he puts one up for me because he knows I love it. And I appreciate it so much.

The point is, there is no excuse. Even a seemingly small gesture can have love and effort behind it.

My boyfriend and I had a conversation before our first Christmas and decided that, for the time being at least, we won't do presents at all. Less expense, less stress, etc. But on my birthday, my boyfriend brought me a cup of tea in bed, sang Happy Birthday to me, and surprised me in the evening by taking me to this lovely restaurant he knew I had wanted to go to. It's the effort that counts, and making someone feel loved and appreciated.

I just can't fathom how he can treat you like this. He must know how hurtful it is for you. There really isn't an excuse. There's been plenty of great advice on this thread, but for goodness sake when you sit him down and tell him how rotten he's made you feel over the years, do not under any circumstances let him make you feel that you're somehow greedy or materialistic or "precious" for wanting to be something other than the unappreciated Christmas servant.

Sending love!

I’m not really one for a fuss being made of me, but one of the things that really got me down in a previous relationship was the total lack of thought put into birthday and Christmas gifts. Whatever took 2 mins to pick.

One of the things I appreciate in my current partner is that small or large, the gift is meaningful and shows that he really knows who I am as a person.

I’d never buy him a gift again. Spend the money on yourself instead.

The best of men wouldn't do the minimum for their partner. That's a complete contradiction.

That doesn't work. He genuinely does have memory issues. He has some brain damage from a stroke as well. He sometimes misses zoom meetings even though he has reminders everywhere.

Ok fair enough. That’s different, and must be difficult for you both.

10 years and he Doesn’t know what you want? That’s a very telling statement right there. He is basically telling you he doesn’t KNOW you. He’s not interested in learning or finding out. Behaviour is a language.

That’s really hurtful behavior!!

Stop buying him presents and see how he feels. It’s just laziness on his part.

I had this conversation with my husband after Christmas last year. I bought all of my birthday and Christmas presents for him to wrap and give to me because he “had no idea what I wanted”. Yet I managed to find and sort presents for his birthday and Christmas from me and the DC’s. I told him it’s like he doesn’t know me at all. Not even enough to know I’d recently broken my umbrella and could do with a new one, for example. I said it’s lazy and just an excuse because if he really put his mind to it he could think of something, even if it was small. If that was the level of effort he was going to put into my gifts then I would start matching the effort for his. Mother’s Day was better.

Selfish horrible prick. OP shouldn’t have to tell him how she’s feeling he is a fucking adult with a fully functioning brain. He knows and he doesn’t give a shit. So sorry op, you deserve more x

What would you tell your grown up daughter if she told you this about her own partner?….

I'd honestly leave him. Why stay in a relationship in which you are not valued, appreciated or loved? Tell him straight how it makes you feel, that it's disgusting behaviour and to shape up or ship out.

He fucking what? This is pathetic and unacceptable.

Have you ever said anything? You shouldn’t have to but have you?

Many happy returns! I'm sorry you're not made a fuss of once a year :-( My DH who isn't very fluffy and not great at these kinds of things always gets something for me and used to take our sons to the shops to buy something for me when they were little. Everyone should be made to feel special on their birthday. I think you need to tell him how upset you are by this and say that it's important for your DC to celebrate you on your birthday. And for him to celebrate you too.

Thoughtless git shouldn't need coaxing or coaching on gift buying for his wife.