Am I being a bit precious?

[thehelpfulghost]

It was my birthday on Monday and the night before my husband told me he hadn’t got me anything, I said it’s fine maybe thinking he was joking but no he didn’t give me anything and there was nothing from the children who are 4 and 7.
one of the children had suggested a birthday cake while doing the weekly shop so my husband put one in the trolly and it is still in the fridge 2 days later, even after one of the children asked when we were having the cake he replied it’s in the fridge so not wanting to put my own candles on and start singing it’s still in the box in the fridge.
In over 10 years I only get birthday presents if I choose them and only Christmas presents if I buy them and wrap them and put them under the tree (he will write from him or the children on the tag) otherwise nothing.

I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something. His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want.
I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents? Several people have asked me if I got anything nice for my birthday and I have said yes thank you and changed the subject so not to admit I didn’t get anything.

I’m curious why you think you might be being precious. Is this something he’s said to you? Does he imply in other areas that you’re like that? The fact that you think this might be ok is quite concerning.

You need to either sit him down or tell him or you accept it and then when his birthday and Christmas rolls around you match his energy

My husband is very absent minded and he has said on several occasions that he wants to be reminded that it is my birthday when it is imminent as he does not want the passive aggressive "you should have known" scenario.

There is an element of ADHD in his case though and he really does need reminding. It isn't him being thoughtless.

So, when it is my birthday I remind him and tell him what I would like. He does also buy a little surprise though.

@thehelpfulghost do you remind your husband when it is your birthday?

@thehelpfulghost I've said this before under a different name so probably outing. But for my birthday last year I got a Terry's chocolate orange. For my husband's birthday I paid for a safari in Tanzania, his dream holiday. £12k. Yes there is a difference in salary but it's just the lack of thought or care that hurts. If he'd got me something thoughtful but cheap it'd be OK, but he just grabbed a chocolate orange on offer from the corner shop.

You are not wrong for feeling hurt.

Omg this was me last year, I did sit DH down and cried at the lack of effort and how it made me feel. That he put in effort when we first met and now he doesn’t even bother and why he doesn’t care about birthdays I do. I’m not asking for loads of expensive gifts, just a card and chocolate bar. Something thoughtful to show he still cares.

It’s changed more this year, he’s making more effort and it’s been lovely. Highly recommend sitting him down and talking about how you feeling but also giving clear instructions on what you want / expect

This behaviour was the final nail in the coffin of my marriage to my kids' dad. I would always try to find him something not expensive but thoughtful. When the second Christmas rolled around with nothing at all for me to open, and then our tenth wedding anniversary he was working away so I sent a card to where he was staying and awaited the card/bouquet, then waited for him to come back in case he was bringing the card/bouquet (bearing in mind he was working away for ten days at a stretch, living in a hotel, leaving me with five kids aged under 8)...and I got nothing. That was the point I decided enough was enough.

So never think so little of yourself, OP, that no effort by them is rewarded.

This is actually more sad than OP’s post.

Find your anger OP. You are not being precious. Find your anger and tell him how shitty his behaviour is. The lack of care, and the playing Santa handing all the gifts out that you bought. Tell him that if he doesn’t care about you then you might as well be out of there. He needs to hear it, and he needs to hear it from you actually being mad about it not just sad. Because then he will probably turn it around on you. And this is not on you.
Don’t forget to remind him of him being happy to receive presents from you.

I have no words.

So give him a calendar for Christmas.

That's incredibly sad and teaching your children that you need not put the effort in for loved ones.

Apparently I'm hard to buy for, not sure why. However i'm always appreciative of PJ's, candles or running stuff. My DH will go for the safe option if I haven't explicitly mentioned anything specific but he'd never just not bother.

You are absolutely entitled to gifts and to be spoiled by your own family. Esp by the children you birthed and the partner you had those children and raise them with.

I divorced the shitty miserable uncaring wetwipe of an exH who did this the Xmas after I bought and wrapped my only Xmas present from him so that I wouldn't be embarassed in front of family on Xmas day. He is still a misery but I am much happier. New DP gets great joy from buying me lovely things.

Tell him how you fell and stop buying him a thing.

Why do you bother getting this poor excuse for a husband a present from you?

This!

He's a miserable git.

When he's there, expecting dinner, I'd get the children together, get the cake from the fridge and three spoons, tell the kids it's cake for tea tonight and all dig in, singing "Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me".

Are you a stay at home mum ? i.e. is there a massive imbalance in your relationship and this seeing you as staff approach to life is the tip of the iceberg?

Stop getting him presents. Stop getting him gifts from the kids. Mirror his lack of care.

This sounds awful @thehelpfulghost

i wouldn’t do anything for him. My dhs birthday is shortly before mine and one year we were struggling through with little children, I was on mat leave and exhausted, and he had a home made cake and his family around singing happy birthday, then for mine I had to make my cake with kids hanging off me, I’d booked myself a life drawing class, and he couldn’t even come home from work on fhe usual time. Came home 5 mins before I had to go, too late to sing happy birthday at all. I came home after and cried and told him how I felt. The next night he put candles on the rest of the cake at dinner and got the kids to sing, and he hasn’t been that crap since. Also, I’ve barely made him a birthday cake since till recent years when I’ve started getting the kids to make it, I have only got so much time and I’ll put my own baking effort into my own cake thanks, he’s a very lucky man as it is to have me baking with our children for him.

Definitely stop buying anything to him. Just do the same thing the night before and say just to let you know I haven't bought you anything. He can hardly complain.

This is just crap. Sit your DH down and tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him how he would feel if you just didn’t bother for his next birthday bcoz you don’t know what he would like!

My DH is terrible at house chores and pulling his weight with the kids, needs constant reminding and even after doesn’t do much. But he provides very well financially and buys amazing presents. I always joke that is his saving grace. Before anyone attacks me, I also work full time in a professional job and am an above average earner, he is a high earner. But he always buys lovely thoughtful presents. And I always feel pampered on my birthday or christmas. We are not Christian but we do celebrate Christmas.

This is not normal behaviour no. Is he very selfish?

I would understand if he genuinely didn’t want to participate in gift swapping but he loves Christmas and is the first to put the decorations up and wants presents under the tree for himself and the children but I’m expected to use the joint account to buy myself something if I want anything and he’ll write on the tag and then give it to me with no idea what it is and then he plays Santa handing all the gifts out that I’ve bought.

He is such a cunt I can’t even say. Fucking hell.

It’s your Birthday! Of course you should expect something, you are his wife, the mother of his children.
He should want to spoil you. The fact that he doesn’t is worrying.
How does he show you he values you?

Who told you you aren't entitled to gifts and shouldn't expect anything?

He has mentally designated present buying as your job. He will justify this to himself on the basis he thinks you somehow just automatically just know what to buy (as if it doesn't require paying attention to interests, doing research etc.!)

So, as PP have suggested, I would talk to him about it. As it's been going on so long he might not realise your hurt/disappointment.

But if after conveying your wishes clearly he still doesn't get with the programme I think you're in your rights to be petty. However instead of neglecting to buy his presents I'd go the other way and get myself something treaty and expensive. Spa treatment? Leaving him with the kids?

Happy Birthday from me I’m so sorry that happened.

My partner and I have been together 20years one year I got nothing at all for my birthday, no happy birthday even spoken, no cake no anything. I opened my gifts and cards from other people and went out and got myself a cake and some plants and bits from a garden centre but drove there and back in tears. I was so very hurt as I make a lot of effort for everyone’s birthdays, I waited until half 11 at night for a meal or a surprise or for anything.

Its not happened before or since was just the one time and I’ve never had an explanation. For a while I contemplated moving out but I honestly had nowhere else to go and an elderly pet to also accommodate.

As I see you don’t get anything for Christmas either I think this is truly awful and personally I could not live like that being treated so badly. I would split up over this as children should not be seeing mummy being treated differently, so sad.