Am I being a bit precious?

[thehelpfulghost]

It was my birthday on Monday and the night before my husband told me he hadn’t got me anything, I said it’s fine maybe thinking he was joking but no he didn’t give me anything and there was nothing from the children who are 4 and 7.
one of the children had suggested a birthday cake while doing the weekly shop so my husband put one in the trolly and it is still in the fridge 2 days later, even after one of the children asked when we were having the cake he replied it’s in the fridge so not wanting to put my own candles on and start singing it’s still in the box in the fridge.
In over 10 years I only get birthday presents if I choose them and only Christmas presents if I buy them and wrap them and put them under the tree (he will write from him or the children on the tag) otherwise nothing.

I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something. His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want.
I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents? Several people have asked me if I got anything nice for my birthday and I have said yes thank you and changed the subject so not to admit I didn’t get anything.

He can’t even use the excuse that he didn’t know what to get when it comes to the cake. It’s not even laziness - he is actually putting a fair bit of effort into making you feel like the present slave - it’s obviously women’s work in his opinion and he is too important to get a cake from the fridge or to buy something for under the tree. Does he give you the money to buy the presents? Perhaps he thinks he’s done his bit by paying? Whatever the reason you’ve let him do this for years without pulling him up. You’ve allowed him to. Most people would have left him!

Not precious at all, who doesn't want to feel a bit appreciated, loved and spoiled on their birthday?

I think your mistake was telling him "it's fine". It's not fine. He's being a dick, you need to ruffle some feathers here. Tell him how unappreciated it makes you feel, tell him how pathetic it is that after X years of marriage he still thinks "I don't know what you'd like" is a valid excuse, tell him he will be getting precisely fuck all for any future Christmases and birthdays if he can't be bothered to make an effort for yours. You will just match his energy if that's the way he wants to go.

Stop telling him it's ok for him to be a lazy, thoughtless partner!

What a truly horrible selfish cunt he is. This has made me sad. 💔 what would he say if you gave him nothing? I bet he’d kick up a fucking stink.

OP that is horrible. A birthday is special and it can be made to be special even if you have little money or time. It's his lack of effort that is hurtful.

At 4 and 7 he could have arranged for the kids to make some birthday cards for you. He could have ordered something online, a voucher even, plus a card. He didn't have to leave the sofa.

I think it's sad that your child clearly wanted to celebrate your birthday - suggesting a cake and then it is stuck in the fridge with the child asking where it is. Your DH is showing your child Mummy's birthday doesn't matter, we don't have to bother about her.

This subject comes up a lot on here and in all cases the woman go to efforts for their husband's birthday and Father's day. Do these men ever reject it on the basis 'I couldn't be arsed for your day' -NEVER. As above you will be told to ignore his birthday, give home a taste of his own medicine. I suspect these women never do it as they are too nice

Then you need a chat with him. Tell him how it makes you feel and since he makes no effort for you, there will be no gifts for either of you from now on and just buy for the kids.

Tell him though or it'll spoil your own Christmas because you'll feel guilty.

What a selfish lazy bastard.

I'd tell him you're done buying gifts for him, since he doesn't put any importance on them, and whilst you do. The disappointment of not being appreciated makes this the better way- and don't break. You buy nothing from the kids, or from you, and buy only for the kids.

YANBU

YANBU, that's so upsetting. The cake would particularly upset me, because of the DC - both because they would enjoy the singing and the candles and of course eating the cake, and because it's important that they learn how to treat others.

What's he like otherwise? My DH couldn't care less about birthdays and presents, I have been hurt by his lack of attention in this area before, but at the same time I know he wouldn't care less if I made no effort for his birthday. Also, I equally don't care at Christmas as there's so much on I just want the kids to enjoy it, so I'm somewhat inconsistent in my own preferences. He's brilliant otherwise, fully 50/50 on the kids and the house, kind, all the rest. Just a blindspot for presents and birthdays. So I accept that he isn't perfect, and that I probably do things that upset or annoy him on occasion, send links for things I would like, and try focus on the fact that really we're very happy with a lovely life so a birthday present isn't the end of the world.

If your DH isn't lovely, giving, generous in other ways (as I suspect he isn't?), then that's a different matter.

Urgh, I misread this the first time. What a bastard.

This is not normal at all.

He’s a selfish twat who can’t cope with you getting any attention.

Some people aren’t good at buying decent presents but there’s no excuse to not pick up a box of chocolates or flowers from him and the kids.

The fact that he refuses to put candles on your cake and it’s still in the fridge is actually awful!

He knows it’s there, he knows you and the kids want it but he refuses to do it.

I feel sorry for you but I actually feel really sorry for the kids too!
Surely they must wonder why their mums birthday isn’t being celebrated.
What must they think!

Are they a bit scared of their dad?

I would ‘remember’ that the cake is in the fridge still.
Tell DH to put some candles on. If he refuses then just light them yourself and tell the kids to turn the lights off and after counting to 3 you can all blow them out (not DH).

In future do not buy him anything for his birthday or Christmas.

What a selfish person he is.

I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything,

This is really sad @thehelpfulghost . If you feel you're not entitled to a present from the person who supposedly loves you most in the world, then this is very sad. Of course you're entitled to a birthday present!

You're not being precious at all. He's a lazy, mean twatbag

This is awful. Tell him that you won't be celebrating his birthday or buying him gifts anymore. Selfish prick!

I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything - who told you this? Did he tell you right from the start - oi, let's get married, but don't expect anything from me? Or did he pursue you with gifts and flowers early on but you would say - oh honey, you shouldn't really, thinking you are being a "good girl"? You are a woman, a wife, you are a mother of his child, and you can rightfully expect attention, love, grace, protection, gifts, acts of service, and spousal privilege. If he does not provide or is not willing to provide those, then he can not expect ANY of his spousal privileges, period.
...but also you have put yourself into this situation by tolerating and encouraging (with the above statement in bold) such behaviour.

Of course you’re not being precious. The fact that you are asking that question tells me that something is wrong with how you are viewing this. It is normal for a spouse to buy their partner a present / card / cake and to help the children do the same.

I do wonder why you are telling him ‘it’s fine’ when it really isn’t and letting him give out gifts you have bought at Christmas without saying anything. Do you ever speak up for yourself and feel like you deserve good treatment? It may be that you really need to work on self esteem and speaking up for yourself and feeling that you have a right to be treated nicely by yourself and others.

your mistake is saying 'it's fine' when he tells you he hasn't got you a gift! i assume you've been saying this for the 10 years you have been together , and you've been providing and wrapping your own presents for this long too?

you've taught him, allowed him to do this.

you need to stop! on the next occasion where a gift is expected make it blatantly clear what your expectations are.

and.. stop buying him gifts, stop allowing him to put his name to gifts for the children too.

Time to start meeting him with the same energy. When he asks why, say “Now you know. I’m meeting you with the same energy.”

Do you think there is something about having a penis which renders men unable to be kind, thoughtful and generous?

Of course there bloody isn’t! Your husband is just a lazy, selfish dickhead.

Don’t you dare buy him another Christmas or birthday present for as long as you live. How could that possibly be petty? He has decided presents aren’t important or meaningful which absolves you of the responsibility to try and find nice things for him.

Use the money you save buying things for him to take the kids out shopping for your birthday and Christmas presents. Teach them to know how to shop for gifts and to identify things you would like, and give them the money to spend on you (if they’re old enough - if not, supervise them in buying your presents too until they can handle it themselves). That way you’re raising the children to be kind and thoughtful present buyers, you get something nice at Christmas and on your birthday, and your arsehole husband is taken out of the equation.

What. A. Dickhead.

I'm curious as to how this all started? How did he first tell you that you should buy and wrap presents to yourself - or did you just start doing it after many years of having nothing at Christmas?

This has made me so sad for you - and I'm sure it's not the area of life where he behaves like this.

I don't think you should play tit for tat because your kids are at ages where they're learning and you don't want them to learn this behaviour.

Except all this is totally irrelevant because it’s clear that her DH expects the big traditional present blow out for him, he just can’t be arsed to reciprocate for her.

I am pretty certain that this is so bonkers that it's a deliberate troll/attempt to derail the thread, but on the off-chance it isn't: there is absolutely zero chance that when your children are adults living with their own partners they will think that this was normal and so expect it from other people.

I agree that none of this is a great message for the kids, but OP only has the option of either showing them that adults don't celebrate each other's birthdays in their house or showing them that dad gets celebrated and we just don't bother with mum. I think the latter is much, much more damaging. She can't singlehandedly institute the actual message she wants to give them, which is that both mum and dad are worth celebrating and making an effort for.

You've helped create this situation by being so passive. And why buy and do stuff for him on his birthday if he doesn't reciprocate?