Am I being a bit precious?

[thehelpfulghost]

It was my birthday on Monday and the night before my husband told me he hadn’t got me anything, I said it’s fine maybe thinking he was joking but no he didn’t give me anything and there was nothing from the children who are 4 and 7.
one of the children had suggested a birthday cake while doing the weekly shop so my husband put one in the trolly and it is still in the fridge 2 days later, even after one of the children asked when we were having the cake he replied it’s in the fridge so not wanting to put my own candles on and start singing it’s still in the box in the fridge.
In over 10 years I only get birthday presents if I choose them and only Christmas presents if I buy them and wrap them and put them under the tree (he will write from him or the children on the tag) otherwise nothing.

I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something. His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want.
I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents? Several people have asked me if I got anything nice for my birthday and I have said yes thank you and changed the subject so not to admit I didn’t get anything.

Of course you’re not being precious. DH would not dream of not getting me anything for my birthday,wedding anniversary, Christmas or Valentines. We don’t have children so those milestones are important to us, but that does not excuse your DH.

I voted YABU because he's been a thoughtless lazy cunt for ten years, I'm not sure why you expected different this year? And please don't insult all the wonderful thoughtful men by tarring them with the same brush just because they're men!

I would absolutely be stopping getting him gifts for birthdays and Christmases, I would be telling him unless he actually takes interest let alone plays a part in gift buying he can bloody well let you hand them out.

I think you need to be vocal here or just accept it.

You ARE entitled to gifts OP!

I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents?

Honestly OP I didn’t vote because I wanted to put YABU for being a doormat. I know that’s mean to say. But honestly, you need to take a step back and look at your relationship from the outside. You are entitled to a basic reciprocity in your relationship. If he expects presents from you why on earth would you think you are unreasonable to expect presents from him?! You need to pick yourself up off the floor, and do whatever you have to to increase your own self worth. You are worth more than this.

And no, men are not just “rubbish at presents” - do you buy them using your vagina? Of course not.

My DH used to be rubbish at presents, because they weren’t a thing in his family. He grew up in poverty, and when they had money in later years, presents were just money. But presents are important to me, because that’s how I was brought up. So he asked me to make a list of ideas, I do this each year and he’s got pretty good at it and is even confident at going off list.

Hmmm to add some balance here some people are just not gift givers.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Acknowledging my birthday and Christmas is fundamental to how i know my family values and loves me. I also reciprocate. The present does not have to be expensive just thoughtful. Not everyone feels like this which is fine but if one of you claims they don't need to do this but weirdly expects presents on their birthday/Christmas then something is very wrong. He is taking you for granted and you are believing the message that you aren't worth it.

Some people aren't, you're right. But then those people shouldn't get married and accept gifts from the person they're supposed to love the most and who loves them, or allow them to purchase gifts for them to put their names on.

Because then those people aren't "just not gift givers" they are taking advantage.

And let's face it, even if you're not, doing the birthday cake for your wife even if it's just at the request of your children should be something you're willing to do?

OP has made it very clear that he expects gifts for his own birthday and Christmas, and he likes to play Santa by doling out all the gifts that she has picked, shopped for and wrapped. He clearly sees value in gifts for him just not for her.
Sorry OP, your post has made me quite angry. The sheer meanness from not even bothering to get the cake out of the fridge- that’s intentional, he wanted to make a point there.

They might not be. But if you know that something is important to the person you love wouldn't you do it anyway?

The general principle of it being nice to be nice, and that's apart from the issue of the children seeing that this is what we do on people's birthdays.

Those threads that come up when someone is devasted that their teenagers don't acknowledge their birthday at all, this is where it starts. Its not about money, a homemade card and someone making your tea and toast demonstrates that they are thinking of you and have not forgotten that you are important to.

Not angry at OP, angry on her behalf!

This is shitty behaviour. Tell him. This means a lot to you, its not difficult to get you a card, and take the kids out for something. Tell him and the kids a few things that you like (for the kids, some nice chocolates, toiletries you like etc).

With the cake, say "well daddy will help you get the cake out, the candles are whereever".

That's rubbish. DH don't really do presents but we'll always do breakfast in bed/cake/meal out etc
Stop buying him presents or making any kind of effort for his birthday.
How is he generally? Sounds really uncaring to me

You are entitled to a gift, and you should expect something,

Explain how it made you feel. If he really is doing anything other than being a lazy git and doesn't think birthday gifts are important for adults, then he won't be upset if you don't buy him gifts, and leave it to him to buy gifts for his relatives (which he should already be doing.)

You definitely are not being precious, he's not being thoughtful or nice and I can't believe you buy your own presents, or the fact he left the cake in the fridge and couldn't be arsed to put candles on it. Voice this to him and have a serious conversation, I'd genuinely be pining for a better life without him if this was how things were in my marriage. That might sound a bit much but it's no way to live. Where's the spontinuity, the care, love, thought, going into anything in your daily lives? Having kids and getting married isn't a reason to live a monotonous life with no passion, excitement, or surprises. You deserve better. Hash this out with him and if he doesn't improve, give him a taste of his own medicine by buying absolutely nothing for him ever again, or leave him if you don't want to grow older like this. I wouldn't blame you if this was the straw that broke the camels back (IF he doesn't see your point and put effort into changing his ways).

Also, why don't you book yourself a spa day or a weekend away and tell your husband you're off and he'll be looking after the kids - don't spare him a second thought and enjoy yourself. Birthday treat to yourself and let your hair down. Happy birthday too, for whenever it was 🎉

Don't hope, tell!

That way you are never disappointed. I usually give a few ideas to my partner. He has learned over years I'm happy when he sticks to it, there is a still a surprise in there usually and I usually get all my list.

YABU but only because yo have allowed this to go on for so long and you still buy him gifts, Ignore his birthday, then he will realise how it feels.

I am a 35+ adult woman who still gets a bag of "Father Christmas" presents from my mum parents at Christmas.

During lockdown, I couldn't get home for Christmas and told my then partner that missing the little things like the "Father Christmas" presents was really upsetting me. On Christmas day, I got up and gave his DS a little bag I'd put together for him, and my partner pulled out my own bag of little presents!

YANBU to want to feel loved/cherished/looked after. Often, people don't want/need a big, expensive gift. My Christmas sack had a pencil sharpener in FGS, but it was the fact that my partner had seen me be sad and thought "I can make this better".

I'd also say that by not demonstrably making a fuss of you in front of the kids, he is implying that you're not worth much. Again, it's not a big/expensive effort to put the candles on a cake and get the kids to sing for you, to say "ghost does so much for us and gives us so much love, let's give her a big kiss and a cuddle and have her make a birthday wish".

You need to tell him that his total absence of effort is hurtful, he should be mortified.

Has it hit you particularly hard this year for some reason? In your OP you say you usually buy your own and have done for ten years so what's changed this year? He's just being true to form.

This is so sad! He's setting a terrible example for your children and being a terrible partner.

My husband was pretty crap but he got shamed by his mum and later our kids. They nag him.

What a horrible man.

Is this the tip of a rather unpleasant and sad iceberg?

My husband gets me lovely, well thought out presents. It's not 'men'.

I feel sorry for you. Happy birthday :(

I couldn't be with someone who can't be bothered with the bear minimum to show I am appreciated once a year

You need to tell him how hurtful this is. It’s not the lack of presents per se, it’s the lack of thought and effort.

This year I didn’t get a present but that’s because funds were tight and my birthday is straight after Christmas so DH had exhausted his present ideas at Christmas. But I still got a card, breakfast in bed, generally made a fuss of during the day/evening.