Am I being a bit precious?

[thehelpfulghost]

It was my birthday on Monday and the night before my husband told me he hadn’t got me anything, I said it’s fine maybe thinking he was joking but no he didn’t give me anything and there was nothing from the children who are 4 and 7.
one of the children had suggested a birthday cake while doing the weekly shop so my husband put one in the trolly and it is still in the fridge 2 days later, even after one of the children asked when we were having the cake he replied it’s in the fridge so not wanting to put my own candles on and start singing it’s still in the box in the fridge.
In over 10 years I only get birthday presents if I choose them and only Christmas presents if I buy them and wrap them and put them under the tree (he will write from him or the children on the tag) otherwise nothing.

I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something. His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want.
I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents? Several people have asked me if I got anything nice for my birthday and I have said yes thank you and changed the subject so not to admit I didn’t get anything.

No, all men do not do that.

Well sadly he doesn't really care about you OP. That's who he is. You should tell him how that makes you feel. And think about whether he's worth staying with - what do you get out of the relationship and what does he give to it and you,

But you should have got the cake out of the fridge and had a little party with the kids. That would have made it more fun for you and them irrespective of him.

This happened on the first birthday after I got together with my then boyfriend now husband. I was really upset. But I told him that birthdays are really important to me and cards and gifts are too as it shows effort etc etc. It turns out that the problem was that birthdays were just not important in my husband’s family at all. They wouldn’t make a big deal out of them and he rarely gets cards or presents from his parents or siblings on his birthday. I’ve been brought up with a very different approach to birthdays. So there was a complete miscommunication.

After that first disappointment he always really tries as I set out the ground rules that I would like a card, cake and present (doesn’t have to be expensive and sometimes I’m happy picking it). Every now and then he panics at birthdays and Christmas and checks whether he is supposed to be getting a card or not in addition to a present.

It might just be what your husband is used to with his family. I’d suggest sitting him down and explaining how you feel and see if that changes things. Otherwise your children won’t buy presents for their partners and then in 20 years’ time there will be someone posting on mumsnet upset they didn’t get a present. Good luck

YANBU.

My husband is not my kids Dad and we don’t have any together - and he doesn’t have children. He wasn’t a big Christmas person before me, but I made it clear that I expected participation after the initial year when I didn’t realise how non Christmassy he was and now he gets me and the kids something every year - and he absolutely knows on my birthday to get a card, cake and makes dinner reservations. He usually books a night or two away as well. He also gets the kids a gift on their birthdays and a lot of thought goes into it.

It’s basic effort. You’re not asking the world.