Am I being a bit precious?

[thehelpfulghost]

It was my birthday on Monday and the night before my husband told me he hadn’t got me anything, I said it’s fine maybe thinking he was joking but no he didn’t give me anything and there was nothing from the children who are 4 and 7.
one of the children had suggested a birthday cake while doing the weekly shop so my husband put one in the trolly and it is still in the fridge 2 days later, even after one of the children asked when we were having the cake he replied it’s in the fridge so not wanting to put my own candles on and start singing it’s still in the box in the fridge.
In over 10 years I only get birthday presents if I choose them and only Christmas presents if I buy them and wrap them and put them under the tree (he will write from him or the children on the tag) otherwise nothing.

I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something. His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want.
I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents? Several people have asked me if I got anything nice for my birthday and I have said yes thank you and changed the subject so not to admit I didn’t get anything.

I don't know and obviously our circumstances are quite different, but I have been with DH for a very long time and we do this. I usually buy everyone's Christmas and birthday pressies, even mine and I wrap them all.... again even mine. DH never has any idea what's under the tree. But I love this though. I love the whole ritual and it scratches my shopping itch, which makes DH happy. Maybe that's what your DH thinks you like to do? At least, then, maybe (like me) you wouldn't get like a Steven Fry biography because one random day, five years ago, you mentioned something he said you thought was funny (I only read fantasy and horror and everyone knows that!! 🤣) 🙂

I used to have this with my husband, his family don’t really do birthdays, mine do. Once I explained that I really did expect presents and cards at birthdays, Xmas and anniversaries and it was a really big deal to me and upset me hugely when it didn’t happen he stepped up. He still needs a few pointers on presents at times and there’s been some interesting ones over the years 😂. Just explain it to him, if it’s not what he’s used to it will need to be spelt out to him! He needs to understand that if it’s important to you, it should be important to him too….

That is so shit. Just lazy & thoughtless.

Usually, I "pick" my own mother's day/birthday/Christmas gift, but this year on my birthday, I read husband the riot act. Told him after 18 years, he should know me well enough to pick something I'd like, by himself. He used to buy shitty, thoughtless gifts, then blame our young children (the kids picked it).

This year, I cracked the shits at having to pick or point out my own gift! No more

First of all, so sorry to read of your miserable birthday and sending you belated Happy Birthday wishes for good things for the coming year. It can only get better when starting from a low place.

I'm scratching my head here and wondering what motivates some people or in this case, doesn't motivate them? Why on earth would he not get the cake out of the fridge, stick on a candle and sing Happy Birthday with the children? That's seems incredible to me. Of course I don't know what he's like or whether it's ineptitude or indifference but it seems mean spirited and almost like an act of ill will.

You are not being precious in the least. I would be very very upset about that in your place but then I don't know your relationship or his character. Not for the first time in my life I find myself saying I just don't understand people. Hoping something nice comes your way. It does happen sometimes out of the blue or things that seemed bad can be turned into good.

A friend had a DH like this. One Christmas she bought all the Christmas presents for the children. The presents in the stocking were signed love from Father Christmas, the rest of the presents she signed as lots of love from Mum. He was so cross that his name wasn’t on any of the presents but she told him that seeing that he hadn’t made any effort then there you go. It worked!

Hi OP, you are definitely not being precious. You have every right to be upset with his thoughtlessness. Time for a serious conversation re how you feel.
Take care and Happy Birthday to you; you sooooooo deserve it.

What a lazy, thoughtless arse! I suggest you treat him the same way and see how he likes it

I’ve never really got good gifts from my significant other. My 40th was good but even Mother’s Day; I love daffodils and yet don’t get them. Usually it’s nothing although I got tulips this year.

I told him that I feel as though I’m undeserving of any gift and does he really believe I don’t deserve it. He said yes but that he had no money (he wasn’t working prior to this year, stay at home parent). I told him it was no excuse as he has parents to ask for help or my mum even.

He’s now recognised that getting nothing hurts me and is now working a good job with good money so let’s see what happens next month (my birthday).

I now make sure though that I give myself the best birthdays as my happiness is down to me at the end of the day

I can’t work out which way to vote, as you’re not unreasonable to think this is awful behaviour. But you are unreasonable to think this is a male thing. My husband and all the men I know buy their partners gifts, yes often the woman sends a link. And vice Versa, but everyone buys gifts.

your situation is very sad, but made more sad that you can’t use your words and communicate effectively in your own marriage.

Don’t buy him anything for birthdays or Christmas until he starts buying you and you’ll probably find he won’t even bother or if he does bother it still won’t make him buy you anything. I used to buy for my partner for every occasion and he’d hardly buy me i eventually stopped and he never bothered or said anything 🤷🏻‍♀️

No words to be honest.

why do you put up with this? Your self esteem must be zero.

stop doing his birthday. Stop buying him things for Christmas. Buy yourself loads.

but honestly I would not have married him for this reason along.

I don't think responding in kind is a good idea. You'll just fester with resentment and it's not good for you or your children. I'd just tell him how upset you are. If he cares about you and your marriage I hope he'll start trying to make an effort. Good luck xxxx

My ex husband was exactly the same go had to buy my own presents if I wanted one 🙄

My 40th he did manage to buy me a McDonald's - I have a photo and you can see how upset I really am.

I pointed out numerous times that he's teaching our 3 children the same but he couldn't see the issue.

It wasn't just the gifts that were missing - it was the affection, the attention, the kindness - everything really.

We're now divorced thankfully, I now have the most thoughtful and loving husband and I'm genuinely the happiest I've ever been.

I would've cut the cake for me and the kids and put it back in the fridge for him to get his own piece.
Alot of men are useless at this kind of thing and need to be told straight. I'm surprised you've let it go on this long. Next time give him a list in advance and tell him you expect 1 or 2 things of the list wrapped and under the tree. Make it easy for him. Good luck.

Stop buying for his birthday and Christmas and if he says anything just say I thought we did not give gifts to each other after my birthday.

Tell people he bought u f all don’t lie for him
if there was a mutual conversation somewhere in your relationship, where are you both agreed you wouldn’t buy each other birthday and Christmas presents to save money than fair enough, even though I think that’s weird
but the fact he has been totally unbothered by your birthday, doesn’t make any kind of special gesture left your cake in the fridge like you were some nobody is actually upsetting to read
he sounds like a right child as well, I would be having a conversation with him about the cake left in the fridge the way it’s made you feel and the fact that he does nothing for your birthday and yes, you are entitled to gifts from your husband
It’s not being entitled to expect something it can be small even something cheap and thoughtful but he hasn’t even managed to do that. It’s not the gift it to the gesture. Did he do anything else for your birthday? Like take you out buy you a nice card?

My ND ds (21) was so happy with his present to me this year! All natural multi surface cleaner that is so concentrated it will make 20 litres. He has carefully told me how versatile the product is and how good for the environment.

You should expect something.
Match energy, tell him how it makes you feel, and start treating him the way he treats you. Please talk to a friend/family member that can help your kuds get a small gift for you and do the cake thing, it's clear they've noticed and want to celebrate your birthday, the fact they're asking and he doesn't care would annoy me more than anything else.

This is awful. Do not excuse him by saying "are men like this?" because, no, they are not.
I really think you need to sit down and communicate very clearly that he disappointed you. Be crystal clear: you do not want to unbox, put candles on and be in charge of when your birthday cake gets presented but that HE should want to do that, on YOUR birthday because it makes you happy (plus, it is kind of obvious and even the 7oy knew that).
I recently celebrated a birthday. I am not a fan of getting "stuff". I will smile, say "thank you" and donate if it's people who do not know.
My family and close friends know I am happy to be gifted things like a birthday cake, treat food/drink and maybe certain things if I drop hints before hand but I don't like people wasting their money on things I wouldn't appreciate. Honestly, a single bar of choc, would be more than enough- I prefer people to visit me and share a cuppa and a chat. But communicating my preferences is important or I get unwanted stuff and then feel guilty about donating it.
Point out what he receives/expects from his birthday and Christmas - or ask him cos maybe he doesn't want that- and then get him to compare that to what you get/receive.
I agree that pointing out how the kids are picking up on it is important too.
I love the comment about how you would feel if your daughter told you this is how her partner treated her and what would you say or advise.
It's not about the birthday or Christmas or presents it's about respect, love and appreciation.

@Manthide I can SO easily imagine this.
On the positive side, there's a great chance he'll do better next year!

I would understand if he genuinely didn’t want to participate in gift swapping but he loves Christmas and is the first to put the decorations up and wants presents under the tree for himself and the children but I’m expected to use the joint account to buy myself something if I want anything and he’ll write on the tag and then give it to me with no idea what it is and then he plays Santa handing all the gifts out that I’ve bought.

He is a massive twat. You need to stop playing this game and make him participate properly. Give him a list of ideas beforehand so he has no excuse. And tell him you expect him to take the children shopping for presents for their mum too.

My husband moans every year that he doesn't know what to buy me because I'm hard to buy for, (I don't dispute this and anything I ever want I generally buy for myself) but he has NEVER not got me a present!

Don't even wait until his birthday/Christmas, tell him now you will no longer be partaking in gift buying since this is his stance on. If he wants to play Santa then he can start shopping for gifts! And I know you probably want to save face, but next time you are asked I would straight up Infront of him say he didn't buy you a thing and never does. See how is attitude changes then and how embarrassed he will be!

No that’s not men. Your DH is a twat.

Then stop it!!

Is the writer a JW I wonder