Am I being a bit precious?

[thehelpfulghost]

It was my birthday on Monday and the night before my husband told me he hadn’t got me anything, I said it’s fine maybe thinking he was joking but no he didn’t give me anything and there was nothing from the children who are 4 and 7.
one of the children had suggested a birthday cake while doing the weekly shop so my husband put one in the trolly and it is still in the fridge 2 days later, even after one of the children asked when we were having the cake he replied it’s in the fridge so not wanting to put my own candles on and start singing it’s still in the box in the fridge.
In over 10 years I only get birthday presents if I choose them and only Christmas presents if I buy them and wrap them and put them under the tree (he will write from him or the children on the tag) otherwise nothing.

I always buy him presents and take the children out to buy him something. His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want.
I know I’m not entitled to gifts and shouldn’t expect anything, I’m considering not buying anything for him for birthday and Christmas but does this sound petty? Are men just rubbish at presents? Several people have asked me if I got anything nice for my birthday and I have said yes thank you and changed the subject so not to admit I didn’t get anything.

That’s really rubbish. Happy Birthday OP!
Get that cake out of the fridge. Eat some with your children. If they want to sing happy birthday and do candles do it. Don’t involve DH.
Sit him down and tell him how unloved this makes you feel and that it is a DEALBREAKER. If he doesn’t think about and buy you presents you will ignore his birthday and Christmas too in future ( and plan a divorce )

I think it all depends on what discussion/agreement you have with your DH about this. To me it’s not a given as neither DH/I ‘do’ birthday gifts/celebrations or Xmas gifts with each other and have not done with our kids as they hit high school. We think being ‘forced’ to celebrate a particular date is really naff, so instead we just get each other and kids gifts we think the other would like if and as we come across them. So someone will come home one day to an unexpected gift sitting on their bed or we will get something they NEED at that time. Therefore if you married one of my sons they would think you were a bit bonkers wanting a gift/cake on your birthday so you’d need to specify it was a thing you wanted.

I do think the whole being upset not getting gifts from your kids is off. They are little. They don’t earn $, drive to shops, have an idea of money/value etc. So it’s a gift not from them really, and an odd set of hoops to jump through for a gift pretending to be from them. I would have been a bit dumbstruck if someone put in that pretence in our household. The kids get us things here and there now but they work, have money, go to shops, choose thoughtfully, so it is actually from them which is normal.

I voted you're being unreasonable to not ever expect a card or a present from him, these are totally normal things to expect from your husband - he's making no effort and it's not good enough

Why is it ok for him to care so little for you? It doesn't matter what he thinks it only matters how you feel. Birthdays are a big deal for me. I do a fuck load for everyone. This is their chance to say thank you.

I send a link to the thing I want in ample time. And I make a huge fuss about any possibility of me being forgotten. I deserve more.

Please stop being a martyr. Spell it out for him. And tell him how it makes you feel.

This is awful on so many levels.
value yourself. Tell your husband this is unacceptable. Why you need to tell an adult this though is beyond me. I would be devastated. And why do you buy for him. Fuck sake have some self respect. When it’s his birthday I would actually buy myself something and make a big deal over my new piece of jewellery/clothes etc. no mention of his celebration at all.

He just can’t be bothered, can he? It takes minimal effort to buy a plant or chocolates or flowers and even if they aren’t what you would choose, they’re SOMETHING. But he didn’t. A bollocking is long overdue. I’d begin by waiting until he is out then eating the cake with the kids. Put what’s left back in the fridge. Don’t offer him any.

@HoppingPavlova Am I reading this correctly that you don’t celebrate your kids birthdays/christmas and instead just buy gifts you see that they will like at random times? Or is this purely how you and DH exchange gifts?

This is sad @thehelpfulghost - but I’m sure you know that already. He doesn’t value you. I don’t always believe that adults need to do gifts between each other - DH and I do gifts for each others birthdays but not for Christmas. He’s only here every 2nd Christmas due to working offshore so instead of physical gifts for Christmas we book a nice weekend away or whatever during Jan/Feb. This is a mutual decision. We always do a nice card.

Since having our DS thought (he’s now 4), DH was the one that came to me and suggested starting small gifts for Christmas so that DS wasn’t seeing us sitting opening nothing. We set a budget, and now DS is able to help select things that he thinks we’ll really like.

I would match his energy and stop buying or presents or making the effort on his birthday etc.

If I were you I would have got the cake out for the kids though.

I do think perhaps men just aren’t invested in that stuff but they don’t seem to understand that it’s not really about the gift itself, it’s about the thought and appreciation of you as a person.

My ex husband was like this, although always expected and enjoyed me making a fuss of him on his birthdays etc.

Your poor seven year old! What about you poor women. He didn't get the cake out so really you're saying she should have and done the candles and song, while he sits on his arse. How soul destroying. I honestly would go mental about this. You are entitled to gifts and to be made to feel special on your birthday. Your husband is a lazy, selfish bastard. Definitely stop getting him anything. I would also consider what you get out of this relationship, as I bet it's not the only way he's a crap partner.

This has blown my mind. How completely odd. Why are birthdays naff? It's a special day to look forward to and is all about you. You have a party, people come celebrate with you. It's special. It's not replaced by some random present left on your bed. Have you really not let your kids have this moment for themselves because you think it's uncool. Wow.

Stop stop stop buying him anything. Don’t tell him, just stop. See how he likes being ignored and disrespected. Wants presents under the tree for himself, but can’t be arsed to buy his wife a birthday present? Jesus, what a lazy, embarrassing shit.

Why didn't you get the cake out on your birthday? Stop being a martyr.

And stop buying presents for your husband.

Your dh is a twat. Why buy a cake and shove it in the fridge? Why not take it out at least for the kids. Stop buying your dh presents and cards.

Have you ever actually told him how you feel about his behaviour @thehelpfulghost ?
Definitely YANBU to never want to buy him anything again, but to do so without first having a conversation about it will be a hollow sort of victory. You need to speak up

I would continue getting gifts for him from your children and include them more and more in the process as they get older. Not for his benefit but to teach them about giving thoughtful presents.

That presents are important to him given his performance at Christmas, his attitude to presents for you is dismal. To some they might just be gifts or no gifts, but to me it speaks loud and clear on his view of you.

Never buy him a gift from you again

@thehelpfulghost don't buy him a single present for his birthday or Xmas make him do what you've had to do for years and when he complains tell him that you will only put the same level of gift giving and effort as he does for you and stick to it, what's good for the goose is good for the gander

Wow, your husband sounds like a complete dick. Do you really think this little of yourself, OP.

Match the energy he gives you. Stop making any effort with birthdays, his Christmas things, Father’s Day and absolutely anything else that you step up for him for.

Unless he immediately apologises then this is going to be a very tricky marriage. Sounds like it is already.

His excuse will be that he doesn’t know what I want

maybe you don’t know what he wants for Christmas or his birthday… use it right back at him and keep doing it until he can work out what you want.

he is a complete dick candles on a cake is the lowest energy thing I can think of…
I would hate to be married to someone like this.
I really think you will have to stoop to his level to make him realise what a prick he is

and I would only buy children gifts from either me or “mum and dad” none exclusively from dad since it’s a total lie.

Tell him in advance what you want for your birthday and see if he will deliver.
Don't invest more into relationship, men never appreciate it. Invest into yourself.

You need a serious chat about it.
Don't leave men to guess, or to pick up on your sadness.. it will never end well. I saw my mum do it all the time. My dad just put up with the passive aggressive sulking for the week after.
He won't change unless you properly tell him.

You are entitled to a gift and card from your husband, he should have made an effort no matter what.
He's your husband and whether you share small token gifts or larger gifts he should've bought you something and he should've helped the children do that too.
He's thoughtless at the very least and needs to be called out on it.
If that doesn't change him stop doing it for him, but that's a sad relationship when you don't acknowledge each others special day

@Cornflakes44 Have you really not let your kids have this moment for themselves because you think it's uncool

If you read what I wrote, you would have comprehended that we did do it for the kids when they were kids. We stopped it at high school age because we think it’s really odd adults need to have some special day on the day they were born. It’s playing into the whole Hallmark thing, that’s the naff thing about it. So, instead we chose to teach our kids the philosophy of not playing to Hallmark scenarios but rather considering people all the time. So not just buying a present on a designated day ‘because I have to, because it’s an artificial day’ but doing it a way we believe holds more meaning than that.

I definitely would have a word, and then give his own energy back

As horrible as it is I just wouldn't make any fuss whatsoever for him and I certainly wouldn't buy any then allow him to just put his name on the ticket. When your children ask where your presents are be honest and say dad doesn't bother to get any.
My dad was appalling and my mum used to write a list and my dad would send one of us kids out to buy a present off the list, wrap it and he would sign the ticket like he'd bought it. I used to think what a farce even though I was young.
My Dh is the total opposite to this and is the most amazing present buyer and makes a huge fuss of me. He even buys surprise presents "just because it's Friday". Some men are just useless.