Adult children having partners overnight

[Tempnamechanger53]

My DD is 19 and has just finished 1st year uni and is home for the Summer holidays. She split up with a long term boyfriend (over 2 years) last summer before they both went away. She has been doing a lot of OLD; very few have got to date 2 or 3.
About 6 weeks ago she went on a first date with someone who dm'd her on Insta. They have mutual friends. They have seen each other maybe 6 or 7 times since then. She is wanting him to now to stay over saying she is an adult and she has had a year at uni being able to live as she chooses. This is not a confirmed or committed relationship yet and what will happen when she returns to uni in October has not been discussed. Whether either or both will not really want a long distance relationship is debatable.
She thinks I ABVU to say that I'm not keen on this as it is so casual. She gives me long lectures on sex positivity and accuses me of slut shaming. She is very good at arguing and I feel I am being browbeaten. AIBU or is she?

YANBU. Long term boyfriends, fine otherwise no.

Your house your rules.

It's up to you. I had bought a house and lived with my fiancé and my parents made us have separate room when we visited !! I was 20 when I got married. This was early 90s

YANBU.

Can you unpack the problem a bit more?
Is the problem that she isnhavong sex, that you aren't comfortable with her having sex, you don't like casual sex, you're worried about hearing something, a carosel of men?

I would not feel comfortable. it’s still your house and therefore your rules.

just tell her you don’t feel comfortable and she’ll need her own accommodation.

I guess nothing to stop her going to his but you can set your own rules for your house and she needs to deal with it.

This!!

Once mine reached 18 I let them do what they wanted, they didn't abuse it, letting me know they were bringing someone home and it wasn't one night stands

She may not have sex with him straightaway.
It's part of getting close. She is an adult.
I'd let her have him over.

I would rather that my kids were having sex at my house where it is safe.

Neither of you ABU, yes she can live as she pleases when she is at uni, you dont have to allow her to live as she pleases in your home.

Personally, I dont think I'd have a problem with it, but as I'm not in that situation, its hard to be 100% sure

I am obviously a very indecisive person as I'm reading the different opinions and swaying from one viewpoint to the other still. I don't think there'd be a carousel of men as she hasn't brought any others anywhere near home in the year since she split up with long term bf.
I think her view is this might just be a summer romance of 3 months or so but that shouldn't bother me. He lives a fair drive away so I think she thinks it would be easier for him to stay rather than drive an hour home after they go out. She thinks not allowing him to stay will spoil her lovely summer fling.

I think it depends what your problem with it is. If it’s that you don’t like having people in the house then that’s fair enough as it’s your house. If it’s that you don’t agree with her having sex with someone she’s known for however long then that’s different and she’d be right to point out sex positivity/slut shaming etc

Long term relationship sleep overs only here. And been an acceptable rule according to the adult dc. They have younger siblings and accept me not wanting randoms staying here.

No younger siblings. Older sibling only ever had two very long term relationships while at home/uni until they moved out at 23 so never an issue.

I don’t want random people in my house overnight.

For an adult child, I would consider a very long term partner, who wanted to come visit while she was staying at home. Long term defined by a couple of years in a committed relationship.

My advice to you OP would be to pick your battles. As your DD has pointed out, she's been living life as an adult woman for the last year, making her own decisions, which you brought her up and taught her to do, so how can you now expect to put your foot down just because she wants to have sex with someone who she's not been seeing for long. Have you never heard of one night stands? Also, how do you feel about the prospect that they might have had sex in a club toilet before coming back to yours, but you're telling her she can't have sex in the safety of her own bed? Sorry, but your view seems rather old fashioned to me.

Is this someone you have met / been introduced to? I think you have a right to know who is staying in your house, but I would trust my dc to decide when to have a partner to stay. At uni she will be doing what she wants anyway.

What deems as a long term relationship though? It's a tricky one. I wouldn't like it because I wouldn't be keen on bumping into a chap I don't know/hardly know when going to the loo in the early hours etc. I would expect to be introduced and get to know him before welcoming him to the inner sanctum. Maybe if you have a huge house and en suite bathrooms?

For me, it’s not about them having sex under my roof, it’s that I wouldn’t be comfortable with a strange man sleeping in my house.

hm.. at least she has asked you and not just sneaked him in while you were asleep, so shes showing an elemet of respect.

but at the end of the day, your house, your rules

You're approaching it from the wrong angle. This isn't about judging her, her sex life, her choices, her relationships or really anything about her. Its about you feeling comfortable in your home and not wanting some man you barely know staying the night.
If you put it like that she really doesn't have an argument but right now she's doing the normal teenage thing of thinking its all about her when it's not.
Tell her she can have any kind of sex she likes with her boyfriend if she does it elsewhere and leaves your home out of it.

I have met him when he's come to the house to collect her or drop her off. They have some mutual friends and I know a bit of his background but don't know him very well, of course. DD has en-suite so won't be bumping in to him in the loo at night but a bit embarrassed about breakfast in morning. Had known both older DD's 2 partners very well so wasn't bothered by breakfasts etc. One had been friend since 13 before becoming boyfriend later on.

Your Gisele, if she doesn't like it she can find somewhere else. I'm not that old, but I'm so shocked at how people treat their parents these days!