Adult children having partners overnight

[Tempnamechanger53]

My DD is 19 and has just finished 1st year uni and is home for the Summer holidays. She split up with a long term boyfriend (over 2 years) last summer before they both went away. She has been doing a lot of OLD; very few have got to date 2 or 3.
About 6 weeks ago she went on a first date with someone who dm'd her on Insta. They have mutual friends. They have seen each other maybe 6 or 7 times since then. She is wanting him to now to stay over saying she is an adult and she has had a year at uni being able to live as she chooses. This is not a confirmed or committed relationship yet and what will happen when she returns to uni in October has not been discussed. Whether either or both will not really want a long distance relationship is debatable.
She thinks I ABVU to say that I'm not keen on this as it is so casual. She gives me long lectures on sex positivity and accuses me of slut shaming. She is very good at arguing and I feel I am being browbeaten. AIBU or is she?

@Spirallingdownwards Tbh, I’m surprised that her DD is arguing about this and saying that she’s being slut shamed, it implies a lack of respect for her Mum.

Neither my DH and nor I were allowed to have partners stay until we were in established relationships. It never occurred to us to argue about it with our parents, because we respected their house rules. Decades later, it hasn’t damaged our relationships nor made us not want to see them. Why would it?

If she is slut shaming her you don't see how that may affect her relationship? You don't see how she may potentially always remember how her parents wouldn't let her partner stay so therefore she had to go to the expense of a hotel room. My ex MIL didn't let me stay over at the age of 19 in Christmas Eve even though my family lived abroad because it was family only. Believe me even when I was married for 15 years I didn't stay and when she asked why not one time. I told her it was family only.

She needs to take care in the manner she expresses her refusal so as not to permanently damage the relationship

I’m 34 and sorry but you seem rather old fashioned. It’s hardly a one night stand now that she’s seen him 7 times, your limiting her future with this guy if you don’t allow it as what she going to have to do is either go round his or go to a hotel to have sex, all rather unnecessary and you will just breed resentment. If she’s living in your house and she’s a grown up , let her live her life as a grown up or if you don’t like it tell her to find her own place because as she’s now an adult you can’t control her sex life/ relationships, bit weird and controlling at her age for you to do that.

I'd be fine with this so I think YABU.

Is she really slut shaming her DD though, @Spirallingdownwards , or stating her house rules?

This situation isn’t really comparable to yours that Christmas, as you genuinely didn’t have anywhere to go without getting on a plane. Hosting you in that instance would’ve been the kind thing to do and I think that most people would, albeit you’d be staying in the spare room (at least in my parent’s house).

This isn’t that type of exceptional situation though and the OP has made her house rules.

Thanks for all the replies. They seem to divide into either people who feel it's absolutely not acceptable and I should only allow fiancées or very serious bfs to sleep
over to the complete opposite saying I'm really old fashioned and risk ruining our relationship. She's off on holiday next week (with a female friend) so I might say that I will be ok with him staying when he drives over to see her once she's back from holiday. That will be 2 months then since their first date and will probs be another 1-2 times they'll have seen each other.

@wellington77 How is it controlling? Doesn’t the OP get to decide what happens in her own house? If she asks people to take their shoes off in the hall, for example, should they argue with her about it?!

Part of being an adult is respecting other adults’ boundaries and if they seem old-fashioned to you, so be it. You can behave differently in your own house.

Could you give him a spare room?

Always much more fun sneaking across the hall!

Do whatever feels right to you, @Tempnamechanger53 , there isn’t a wrong answer.

But don’t let yourself be bullied either. It’s your house and you do what feels comfortable to you. 💐

My Dad didn't want me and my boyfriend staying over at my parents house and sharing a bed for one night, after a long drive back from the airport. I was 32!!! 🤣🤣 My Mum had to have words with him!! I can see both sides to be honest, on one hand your daughter has been living independently for a year, whilst away at University but on the other you are uncomfortable and it's still your house. If you are really unhappy about a stranger staying in your home, then you have to say No.

I'm a bit the same, @IneedAbiggerWindchime

We've only one 18 year old at home currently (youngest DS) and it took a while for me to let his gf stay over. He spent a long time denying they were dating - 'she's not my girlfriend' whilst stopping at her place - her parents are clearly 'cooler' than me. Finally introduced me briefly, 5 mins before they were going out and then texted later to say 'Can she stay the night?'.

Nope. I need to know someone better than a 5 min conversation in my hall earlier that evening. This is my sanctuary and I only want people I know fairly well here when I'm asleep. Male or female.

She was allowed to stay once I knew her much better and they seemed to be actually exclusively dating.

I think the key is that I refuse to be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home. And bringing home a random shag for the night would make me feel uncomfortable.

This.

I think it's absolutely fine to stay over
It's her choice. Would you rather she slept over at guys houses? That's more dangerous. You risk that by refusing.

I have a pretty large house, multiple bathrooms and would absolutely NOT be ok with sharing my home with a strange man. I just wouldn’t.

And along with the no slut shaming etc also comes the ‘no is a complete sentence’.

You shouldn’t judge her on how quickly she has sex with someone, but she also shouldn’t emotionally blackmail you into pretending you’re comfortable with an adult stranger of the opposite sex staying in your home if you’re actual not.

You are perfectly entitled to just say no.

This!

Tell her she can have any kind* of sex she likes with her boyfriend if she does it elsewhere and leaves your home out of it.*

And this!

My children's visitors are always welcome in my home but I'm not having a steady stream of men staying the night in my home, especially when I don't know them. In this case, the daughter is failing to show any consideration for her mother's concerns and sense of security, which is really thoughtless of her.

I do understand what you mean when you say you trust your child's judgement. So you only have three kids. I have a bit more than that and it's only ever one child I had to put my foot down regarding overnight visitors for. Maybe the difference was that she was not showing such good judgement and wanting thing that I didn't think were safe for the household, including younger children. Otherwise I'd never have faced that issue myself, or had to take a stand on it because the rest, it has been easy to trust their judgement and their conduct has been easy.

If OP isn't welcome in her DD's home in future, it might say more about the DD who is showing an uncaring and selfish attitude. "I want and don't care how you feel." Hopefully she outgrows it.

I wouldn't alienate your daughter. If it was a girl sleeping over would you be upset? Probably not.
Trust her.

@NChange10

why would not being able to have this guy sleep over at her parents house alienate her? I’m sure the relationship between op and her daughter isn’t so tenuous that that would happen.

We're talking about two grown adults!

I dated my now Husband for 8 years before we married. My parents are very traditional and wouldn’t let us sleep in the same room at their house until we were married. We lived together, bought a house, had a mortgage, were in our late twenties! But I respected that in their home it was their rules.

Your rules stand. If she doesn’t like it then she can pay for a hotel.

I guess I’ve always trusted my daughter’s judgement in friends and men that she wouldn’t bring anyone back who would likely steal or hurt me/her in some way. Maybe that’s naivety and I get that people can hide their true selves well.

But look at the two daughters and mother who were recently killed by one of the boyfriends, I believe he was a long term boyfriend, so i don’t know at what stage you ever can truly think you know someone.

I must admit I like my own space, I’d rather someone who wasn’t family wasn’t here. Especially in the early days when I don’t know them that well and I feel the house has to be spotless and I can’t be in my PJs at 6pm! 😁

Sorry but fair enough you have a house and are welcoming but it sounds like YOU are being manipulated against your better judgement. Yiu maybe think its wrong. Sorry but when I was a married woman visiting my parents I could not in a million years shack up in same room and get it on in my parents house; you are being taken for a ride. Tell em to get a hotel if thats all they want.Surely your daughters worth it?????

I can see where you are coming from. When I was 19-22 coming home from uni, my boyfriend stayed over as he lived over an hr away but it's not like we were having loud sex every night or anything. It was also a good time for parents to get to know him. If they've had a few dates for a while and you get to know more about him and feel safe having him there, fine. But do not feel pressured by her either. Explain your concerns about feeling comfortable/safe in your own home. It is your home, your rules but hoe would she feel if it was reversed and you had dated a guy this long and had him over while she was there? I'm sure you can approach the conversation as adults. If she can't have the conversation as an adult then she probably shouldn't be having him over.

YABVU. I can’t imagine sticking my nose in an adult daughters business like this. She is right. Are you going to try and remotely police her life when she is away at Uni again? That is absurd.

The one thing I will say is that you don’t have to invite anyone to stay in your home that you aren’t comfortable with. But your reasoning is just a bit off on this one.