Adult children having partners overnight

[Tempnamechanger53]

My DD is 19 and has just finished 1st year uni and is home for the Summer holidays. She split up with a long term boyfriend (over 2 years) last summer before they both went away. She has been doing a lot of OLD; very few have got to date 2 or 3.
About 6 weeks ago she went on a first date with someone who dm'd her on Insta. They have mutual friends. They have seen each other maybe 6 or 7 times since then. She is wanting him to now to stay over saying she is an adult and she has had a year at uni being able to live as she chooses. This is not a confirmed or committed relationship yet and what will happen when she returns to uni in October has not been discussed. Whether either or both will not really want a long distance relationship is debatable.
She thinks I ABVU to say that I'm not keen on this as it is so casual. She gives me long lectures on sex positivity and accuses me of slut shaming. She is very good at arguing and I feel I am being browbeaten. AIBU or is she?

I didn’t want marriage. Everyone in my family had divorced: grandparents , parents, sibling, cousins, uncles so I didn’t see the point. My oh and I lived together , had children, but still had to have separate rooms when visiting his relatives 🤣

Randoms coming home from the pub/club at the spur of the moment- not a chance.

Someone who is not necessarily a long term relationship but is clearly a friend, you know and have met them- possibly yes I would allow it. I would have rules around being respectful though. No wandering around in boxers/underwear, keep the…er….noise down and you’d like to know in advance that they are going to be staying, just a text will do.

If you were someone who was in principle against all partners staying over or she was bringing home entirely casual partners/one night stands you’d have a point. But if it’s someone she’s seeing I’d let him stay. Otherwise you’re effectively declaring how long or serious a relationship should be before it’s suitable to have sex.

I was living with my bf but we were not allowed to sleep in the sane room until we married in 1990.

My 2 elder dd were not allowed to sleep in the same room as their partners at my parents until they were married. They respected it. I would have similar rules though might allow a long term partner (youngest dd is 16) but we dont really have the space for extra bodies.

I think it would be different if she were bringing different men home frequently but she isn't. And they may not be discussing the long term plan at the moment but that's part of the fun of young love and getting swept up in it. Who knows what's going to happen.

Personally I'd allow it, on the basis that it's just him and not a load of other guys. I'd much prefer it to happen under my roof, knowing my daughter is safe than feeling she has to sneak about. And it sounds like she's quite open in talking to you about this stuff which is great and you should encourage. For what it's worth, my folks always allowed me to live fairly freely but within certain rules, and because they gave me the respect of making my own decisions (to some extent) I never felt the need to go off the rails etc, whereas friends with stricter upbringings did.

It takes two to have an argument; stop having it. Don't engage. It's your house and you don't have to have anyone you haven't invited staying in it. You don't have to make decisions like that based on who's "good at arguing". Stop being a doormat.

I do think the OP is clear it’s more about someone she doesn’t know staying in her house which I understand.

I have a daughter the same age but she is in a same sex relationship and I think maybe this makes a difference. I am quite an open minded person and never had an issue with her partners staying over. I may have felt different if it was a boyfriend though and having a male stranger in my house?

At the end of the day it is your home and only you know what makes you feel
comfortable and she does need to respect that

I honestly don’t see this as a big issue and certainly not one that would alienate a parent/adult child. Have the bf to stay or don’t have the bf to stay-different families will have different responses.

I held the line with my older daughters, now with the youngest.
Put simply. This is our home and sanctuary. We are not going to share it with your boyfriend. At Uni, you can do what you like. Quite right. That is your private life and sanctuary.

It’s more about having a stranger in your house and the safety of your household. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having someone I didn’t know stay in my house.

As with any of their friends you would want to at least have met them a good few times during day times before they stayed over so you could ascertain if they were likely to rob/murder you in your sleep!

My DH’s parents made us sleep in separate rooms until we were engaged - by which point we’d been together for seven years and living together for six. We got engaged in 2016 so hardly the dark ages. Absolutely ridiculous, but it was their house so we put up with it (mostly - he did sometimes sneak into the guest room).

She’s an adult yes? Are you charging her adult rent? If not, your house your rules. If she’s in a flat share that’s different, then she can do as she pleases.

she is also free to visit him. LTR would be fine for me, summer fling would not be.

Pay for a hotel, like we all did in the 90s. Total disrespect to force your parents, when they’re not comfortable.

slut shaming is a great word to gaslight OP with. Tell her to be an adult somewhere else.

In this case, she’s either having sex with him in your house or in his car. I’m guessing at 19 they can’t quite afford to splash out on a Holiday Inn yet!
I’ve been the teenager having sex in the car or in the cheapest hotel we could find, all very awkward and uncomfortable (a moment that really stands out was a police officer tapped on the window as we’d unknowingly parked illegally - I still go red in the face at that 20-year old memory!) but my Mum was a very strong no on boyfriends overnight. So that was that.
It was my biggest push to move out after Uni and I was gone for good at 22. Hasn’t affected my relationship with Mum at all, and I have some… interesting memories from my early dating years!!
She’ll be fine either way.

Christ, all these comments about a “constant stream of men” and a “carousel” of men.

Your daughter is 19 and, I guess depending on what this relationship is, technically single. There’s such an undertone of judgement on this thread which is just so unnecessary, and quite frankly, is a bit ‘slut shaming’ if you want to put it like that.

Onto the case in point, OP, it’s your house and therefore your rules. It is perfectly fine for you not to want a strange man in your house overnight, and therefore request that you meet him a few times first. Whether this would be logistically possible given the distance, I’m not sure. The actual timing/ labelling of the relationship is none of your business. Some people have casual flings that last a year, some people know they’ve met the love of their life after 2 months. I think you’re focussing on the wrong thing here.

But to follow on from that, yes, I would have a problem with having a stranger stay over in my house. No, I wouldn't have an issue if I’d met him a few times and he had seemed ok.

Same here

I'm a single parent to a 21-year-old, so I have a few ground rules.
No strangers, as I'd feel unsafe if there was a strange man in my house and I was asleep and vulnerable.
If I've met them and I know them, it's okay as long as she texts me first.

My issue is less about the judgement of sex and more about my own safety.

Supposing this was a female friend she’d made who she hadn’t known very long. Would you let her stay? If he’s travelling some way to see her it sounds like he really likes her. She’s 19, she’s in her home which must always be a safe and welcoming place for her. I am a really old fashioned when it comes to sex and would never have a one night stand but my dc are adults like your dd and they are free to make their own choices. I wouldn’t let a one night stand stay over as you know nothing about the person but 6 weeks sounds like they know a bit about each other.

If they’re that sensitive I’ve already done a bad job. My DH never stayed over till we were engaged and then was allowed upstairs (22yrs) Any of my ONSs we’d go elsewhere simple.

My DH’s parents kept us separate even after our engagement but that’s not why I don’t like them.😂 Lots of history.

My DS has never bought a girl to our house. He knows our expectations. 22yrs. I think the difference here is the boundaries are well established and known. Uni has convinced this YA that she has a real say without any real responsibility.

As an adult I would have no issues what does it actually matter to you whether it is long term or not, it is not your relationship

Admittedly I haven’t got to this stage with my kids yet- the oldest isn’t quite an adult. But while longterm boyfriends/girlfriends would be welcome to stay over, ONS and casual dating partners would not. It’s not about slut shaming, it’s about not having people I don’t know (and adult son/daughter) in my home. In her shoes I’d go to either his place or get a cheap hotel room.

As an aside, I’d be really pissed off with my daughter if she accused me of slut shaming her.

I'd want to meet someone who was staying in my house overnight at least once first. That way if I was dubious about them or got bad vibes, I could say no. This is also a good lesson for her about boundaries, especially as she's off to uni. (Less of an issue if it's a female friend because woman are inherently far less dangerous.)

Invite him over for dinner. If it's casual he probably won't want to come.

I wouldn't put up with her accusing you of slut-shaming her though. That would be dealt with by a reminder that Mum was young once and did everything she's up to and more... no judgement, just wanting to keep her and the family safe.

ETA - tell her to get a boyfriend with a camper van. Brilliant things, much easier all round 😂

We’re in a similar position, other way round as we’re the boy’s parents. Him and his girlfriend meet at uni, but it’s fairly new and had only been a month but the time he came home. I knew she’d stayed in his room at uni and remember having strict parents when I was that age (my now husband wasn’t allowed to stay in my room at all right up till we got married) so we allowed her to stay in his room.
I’ve subsequently found out that he’s not allowed to stay in her room when he good there.
it is your house, your rules but if you know they’re sleeping together anyway isn’t it better that they do it safely?