Adult children having partners overnight

[Tempnamechanger53]

My DD is 19 and has just finished 1st year uni and is home for the Summer holidays. She split up with a long term boyfriend (over 2 years) last summer before they both went away. She has been doing a lot of OLD; very few have got to date 2 or 3.
About 6 weeks ago she went on a first date with someone who dm'd her on Insta. They have mutual friends. They have seen each other maybe 6 or 7 times since then. She is wanting him to now to stay over saying she is an adult and she has had a year at uni being able to live as she chooses. This is not a confirmed or committed relationship yet and what will happen when she returns to uni in October has not been discussed. Whether either or both will not really want a long distance relationship is debatable.
She thinks I ABVU to say that I'm not keen on this as it is so casual. She gives me long lectures on sex positivity and accuses me of slut shaming. She is very good at arguing and I feel I am being browbeaten. AIBU or is she?

I would be mortified if my parents knew I was having sex and with whom and when.
It is almost as if they need their parents to know.
When my brother's girlfriend slept over it was because she was visiting my sister and shared a room with her.
Some good advice about maintaining your boundaries here OP.
Your home is not a flop house. However you do seem to have established a precedent with her sisters boyfriends.

My way of thinking is it is also the daughter's home and I guess it just tells her you don't trust her judgement if she isn't allowed to bring people back to stay. I would prefer to meet him before he stayed over rather than them coming back home after they have been out and the first time being at the breakfast table. But OP says she has met him already so he isn't a total random stranger but someone her daughter trusts and likes.

When DS1 got to that age our rule was that only people we have met can stay over. That includes female and male (eg friends we'd never met). I don't want to get up in the night to use the loo and bump into some randomer on the landing!!

This is absolutely how I'd feel.

Tip for discouraging your children bringing very new partners over… paint your hallway orange!

I painted mine that colour years ago and it wasn’t a nice orange and needs changing. My children have been so embarrassed by the colour they only bring boyfriends over once they have got to know them well and I’ve already met them elsewhere.

I have delayed repainting… 😜

More seriously I have always allowed them to bring boyfriends over to stay as we are very rural so limited other places to stay and someone always has a commute. We have a busy full house so they don’t get much privacy away (shared room with stud wall).

Unless she's paying 50% of the bills and is living and contributing to all household requirements equally with room mate status, she doesn't have an equal say regarding how the household runs. My kids are welcome in my home for as long as they need or want but they don't get to choose the terms. If they want equal rights, they pay equal bills and do equal housework.

My daughter is strong willed and If I were in that situation and I said no to my daughter, she would end up going to stay with him often and I would see her less. I would prefer her under my roof in this situation. I would have to make a judgement call on the lesser of the two evils.

I think you need to draw a distinction between it being her body, her choice and your home, your boundaries.

Its hardly slut shaming if really you are saying you don’t let men you both barely know into the home. If she moves out, stays with a friend or goes to a hotel she can do as she wishes.

It isn't a matter of morals, more of property rights.

You and she have very different ideas about relationships, neither of you are right or wrong. It's up to each person to navigate them as they please as long as they are safe and hurt no one. Neither of you should really be trying to impose your own values on the other. So you need to stop with the disapproving undertone and she needs to stop with the sex positivity lectures. It's personal and you don't need agreement. What you do need however when conflicting attitudes collide is compromise (not really possible here as he stays or he doesn't!) Or one of you to give way. In this case, I think for a variety of reasons, it should be you. You will be putting a huge dampener on her summer if you say no. You are presumably the one with the greatest stake because you want her home whereas she will no doubt have other options. So it's in your interests to facilitate her enjoying being at home. Obviously there are limits, you don't agree to anything just to keep her happy, but this is a big deal for her which with house rules shouldn't impact you, so I would agree.

Your house, your rules. If you're not comfortable then it's a no. If she's such an adult she can get her own house or book a hotel.

For me, with my now 24 yo DD it was the my relationship with their partners that was important. I didn't want people I didn't know that well, yes made worse as they're men, in my home. Our rule is we meet them first, they come for a cuppa - while we're watching TV it's relaxed! If we feel comfy then they can stay over. But no randoms.

She did say on a couple of occasions that she felt uncomfortable asking them for tea, well in that case you are not at the right place to shag them in our home.

Property rights...DD can do as she likes, she is an adult etc. If she wishes, she can go dogging and have sex with 10 or 15 people a day. All you need to object to is the fact that she wants any of them to sleep in your house.

Presumably you paid for the house, so you can choose who stays there. DD could go off play tennis all day of she wants, but that doesn't mean she has the right to have her tennis partner staying over in your house.

They could be mentally ill, a drug abuser, a habitual thief, a narcissist. Or they could be the nicest person ever. But before you have them staying in your house, surely you should meet them first? Your DD needs advising that this one of the points about being an adult is that you get to make choices, and your choices are being made as the property owner.

And possibly one fsy you won't be welcome in their homes because they will remember that they weren't treated as a responsible adult by their parent.

I am very welcome in the homes of my grown children who have left home on a frequent basis. I respect their preferences for their home the same way they respect my preferences for mine.

I also have three adult children at home who are quite happy and in no rush to leave. See if you can say the same later?

No guilt trip. Just my preference.

A young woman is safer in her family home than in a hotel or the home of a new man.

Who's unsafe in a hotel??

I wouldn't have wanted to have sex anywhere near my parents. It's pretty crass.

Your house your rules.

If she doesn’t like it she will probably just not visit as much.

And what about when she returns to university accommodation in just over a month?

Will she be unsafe there too? Do you think she should travel back home to OP whenever she wants to have sex?

I guess, but it’s not a constant stream is it? This is the first time she’s asked? My dd is 23yo lives at home, she’s had 3 guys back here since she was 16/17yo. The first time I’ve met two of them have been at breakfast 😁.

Dd is an adult and from my pov it’s also DDs home. She can’t afford her own house like I could at her age. But I don’t want her to feel like a child still.

Honestly, you do seem to want to pick away at this one.

I said what my preference would be.

Other preferences are available.

And your preference is absolutely fine.

I just thought it was a bit strange how you implied the best place for an adult to have sex would be in their parents home. So just wondered what your thoughts were when the OP’s DD were to return to university accommodation and if she would be safe to have sex there, that’s all. Not picking away.

It's a really tricky question, I think. I broadly agree with this: My kids are welcome in my home for as long as they need or want but they don't get to choose the terms from* *@IneedAbiggerWindchime and I say that as someone who currently has 2 grown-up, post-university DCs living at home.

There are definitely some house 'rules', whether bringing a boy/girlfriend back overnight was outside those rules would depend on the individual circumstances, I think. If the relationship had only been a few weeks but my DC was clearly serious about it and was expecting it to become something more than casual, I would be OK with it, particularly if they were introduced to me properly (ie not just in passing); if my DC said quite honestly that it was a summer fling and was not something they saw lasting very long, then I'm not sure I'd be facilitating that. This would apply to both my DS and my DD.

Usually I would say no as it's not her bf. He can come round but not stay over. However I see you say he lives a fair distance away so I'd probably allow it in these circumstances.

I have 2 who have their own homes with their partners and can say exactly the same. I also gave one adult son at home whose visitors are always welcome in my home because I love him and trust his judgment.

Different strokes for different folks. The adult daughter in this case is already falling out with her mother and has said that the mother is slut shaming her. If she is making her daughter feel this way then the mother shouldn't be surprised in future if she isn't as welcome as we both are.