Adult children having partners overnight

[Tempnamechanger53]

My DD is 19 and has just finished 1st year uni and is home for the Summer holidays. She split up with a long term boyfriend (over 2 years) last summer before they both went away. She has been doing a lot of OLD; very few have got to date 2 or 3.
About 6 weeks ago she went on a first date with someone who dm'd her on Insta. They have mutual friends. They have seen each other maybe 6 or 7 times since then. She is wanting him to now to stay over saying she is an adult and she has had a year at uni being able to live as she chooses. This is not a confirmed or committed relationship yet and what will happen when she returns to uni in October has not been discussed. Whether either or both will not really want a long distance relationship is debatable.
She thinks I ABVU to say that I'm not keen on this as it is so casual. She gives me long lectures on sex positivity and accuses me of slut shaming. She is very good at arguing and I feel I am being browbeaten. AIBU or is she?

When you are comfortable.

It's as simple as that. You really need to trust your own feelings and judgement here.

It's NOT unreasonable to not want an adult man you do not know sleeping overnight in your house. This is not about casual sex or slut shaming or any of those ideas your daughter wants to throw at you thinking she is cleverer than you and can shame you into doing something you don't want to do. It's about how you feel. And those feelings are valid. Tell her to stop invalidating you.

Well, I can relate to this. That’s one encounter I regret!! The guy should stump up and book a hotel in my opinion and it says a lot if he doesn’t/won’t but that’s my opinion.

I’m hearing a certain Beatles song while reading this thread… Why Don’t We Do It In The Road! Sorry, OP!

I consider myself very old fashioned and never brought anyone home to stay. However if I were you I would think really hard before saying “no”.
Since meeting him first time your DD decided to see him
again and again. Yes, it looks like a summer fling atm but there is no guarantee it will stay like this. Who knows, it might be your future SIL.
I would use this as an opportunity to meet him and get to know him better. Ask him lots of questions during breakfast about his past, his family, his life goals etc. If this relationship has some future they will survive, if not … you won’t lose much.
And if your DD won’t like it, fair enough, she won’t do it again

I agree with this. And I'm only in my early 30s and have been with my DH since we were 18 so it's not too distant a memory that we had these sorts of conversations with my DPs!

We got engaged pretty quickly and he was then allowed to stay over at my DPs with me in the summer break, but they insisted on separate rooms...their prerogative though and we respected and accepted that (they are religious). Another 18m later and we lived together and had gotten married but as students we still had the odd month here or there in between lets where we mostly stayed with my DPs. No way would they have let me have a short term love interest stay over in their house and I would never have even asked them for that. I wouldn't want a random person staying in my house now tbh! It's perfectly fine that you don't feel comfortable with it. It's not necessarily got anything to do with views on sex or relationships just your own comfort in your own house, that's not unreasonable.

Not a chance!!! Some bloke she's known 5 minutes? No way!

YANBU
Once she's back at uni he can pop over there and stay with her. It's not long to wait. In the meantime there's hotels or she can go to his place.
Otherwise you're pretty much opening the door to her bringing numerous future boyfriends back. It will be hard to say no once you've allowed this on to stay over. You have a right to feel comfortable in your own house.

I think everyone's different and you have to go with what you think is right - if you ask for opinions you are going to get 20 different opinions! She's your daughter, it's your house, you have to do what YOU feel comfortable with. It sounds like you don't really want him to stay over so you can just say no. You don't have to justify it to her or anyone else.

Tell her that if she wants to share her bed with men who are strangers to you then she needs to either rent her own place through the summer or book a hotel.

Does she pay rent?

@Sladuf But we're thinking about this as adults. Two 19 year old students probably can't afford a hotel room for a night, and certainly not on the regular to start a relationship.

It's a difficult situation, there's no right answer. But it's just important to remember that if they don't have anywhere to go they'll just find somewhere and that place will likely be inappropriate.

Then again, that might also provide her with amusing memories when she's a 42 year old married mother of two 😂

Feels very old fashioned, my folks said rather you’re safe. I’d try to discourage short relationships sleeping over but if she wanted I’d accept.

I wouldn’t mind, but my mum was fine with it too. She’s old enough to make her own decisions.

Nope. Only allowed eldest dd when she was in a committed relationship. And it kept her in good stead.

The dating scene has a very quick turn around these days. Ignore the slut Shane and sex positivity bull shit. It’s your home and you don’t want different lads traipsing through your home. She can do what she likes else where.

Why cant she stay his? Or does he still live with mummy too?

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest. My adult children are free to have overnight guests whenever they like as long as they give us a heads up that there's someone else here (so we don't go to the loo in our pants). If I thought one of mine was behaving in an unhealthy or unsafe way I would talk to them about it, but policing their relationships isn't something I would do. And I understand that some people don't want "strangers" in the house, but with two young adult kids that ship sailed long ago. There's usually a spare youth or two upstairs, or a gaggle of them in the garden or whatever. They won't be here forever, I want them to feel at home here and I'd much rather they were safe.

Yes both home from uni for Summer and living with parents. They live about 2 hours apart.

actually i disagree with your comment about the dating scene having a quick turn around, but i can only base this on my own DD.

at 22 she still lives at home, saving for a house and just finished uni. she explained the complexities of dating to me, and its not all wham, bam thank you mam now for teens.

there's a whole criteria she has to go through before she considers sleeping with a partner! its all very complicated and seems to be the rule not the exception

Your house your rules, if you don’t feel comfortable with it that’s final. No explanation needed. If she doesn’t like it she can work and pay for lodgings elsewhere. She’s an adult now.

I don’t think either of yous are particularly in the wrong, she likes a new guy and wants to spend time with him. You don’t want a strange man in your home overnight. I would just have an adult chat with her and come to a compromise, he can come over for dinner, they can hang in her room and do as they please (but keep the noise down) but you don’t particularly want an unknown man in YOUR home overnight where you feel more vulnerable walking about in night clothes, potentially having awkward run ins at the bathroom in the middle of the night or in the morning. If it ends up a longer term thing and you get to know him you will re-assess. If they are desperate to spend the night together, go to his or a hotel.

As it's your home it's whatever you feel comfortable with.

The problem is she’s choosing to date someone who lives 2 hours away when she doesn’t have her own place. If he lived locally it’d be much easier and he wouldn’t need to stay. You don’t need to bend your own rules because she’s made a poor choice of holiday romance.

Why cant she stay his? Or does he still live with mummy too?

I don't really get the reasons for the sneer here. Surely most teenage university students go home to their parent(s) in the holidays? OP's DD and the boy involved have both done the same thing – this is the norm, isn't it?

Well that is true! 😉

Re the lack of finances, I tell you students these days don’t know they’re born. I was working 2 part time jobs and doing paid project work for the university during the summer months between years 1 and 2 and 2 and 3.

I met my husband very shortly after my previous relationship ended (that lasted a year). I was 19, and about to go to uni. My parents let him visit during the day (one time we were home alone), and by christmas he was staying over night. It could have been a summer fling since we met on Tinder, but we made long distance work (we're still together 7 years on).

Just offering some younger perspective.

You could offer to have him stay for dinner (but not stay the night) and get to know him more? It could be a no for now, and then you can agree once you feel like you know him enough to feel comfortable with it.

Imo, they're going to have sex regardless. Wouldn't you prefer that they'd do it somewhere safe? That's why my mum let me have boyfriends stay over (after meeting them beforehand of course).

She goes away with a female friend next week so I think I'll say keep seeing him and bring him round to get to know him more and I'll reassess when they've been seeing each other a bit longer and know whether it'll fizzle out or whether they intend to keep seeing each other when summer ends.

I don't think it is about her knowing him longer it is about when you know him better so that will be when he has spent some time with you.