Adult children having partners overnight

[Tempnamechanger53]

My DD is 19 and has just finished 1st year uni and is home for the Summer holidays. She split up with a long term boyfriend (over 2 years) last summer before they both went away. She has been doing a lot of OLD; very few have got to date 2 or 3.
About 6 weeks ago she went on a first date with someone who dm'd her on Insta. They have mutual friends. They have seen each other maybe 6 or 7 times since then. She is wanting him to now to stay over saying she is an adult and she has had a year at uni being able to live as she chooses. This is not a confirmed or committed relationship yet and what will happen when she returns to uni in October has not been discussed. Whether either or both will not really want a long distance relationship is debatable.
She thinks I ABVU to say that I'm not keen on this as it is so casual. She gives me long lectures on sex positivity and accuses me of slut shaming. She is very good at arguing and I feel I am being browbeaten. AIBU or is she?

With no younger siblings at home I think I would agree to this. At 6 weeks and coming back to the parents i would be a bit concerned about it not being exclusive. I'd have a couple of red flags about this which would mean the last thing I would do is ban them from coming

Can you be a bit more honest with us about what the issue actually is? The slut shaming comment does make me wonder if you're religious, traditional or just old fashioned etc.

Well yes so was I @Sladuf but there's no way I could have afforded to stump up for a hotel just to have sex though.

I guess I am quite traditional in some ways. I'm not religious and have no problems with either of my DDs having sex in relationships without being married or engaged. I guess it's because DD has openly said she's not sure it's going anywhere and what they'll do in September/October. Other bfs of both DDs have all been very long term and so have stayed over.
I also think there may be an element of her still being hurt about the breakup last summer of her first bf after more than 2 years and so this attitude of not sure iv it'll be one a relationship is a form of defence.

We have a dd aged 21 and she has never been allowed to have boyfriends stay over. Ever. She has gone to university and no doubt has people to stay there in her room / house share but I like my own space at home and I’m not prepared to put up with another adult in the house for the sake of dds sex life. No thanks.

Absolutely agree with this poster. I’ve now got 2 post uni young adults. They only bring back partners that they are committed to at the time and we welcome them. If my husband and I thought they were bringing randoms home it would be a big No, get a travel lodge. I think they understand the unwritten rules and the world has made bed on ax even as a married couple we were embarrassed to sleep together at our parents houses.

I'd be uncomfortable with a random male no-one has known very long staying at my house if it were me. My parents let my sister's boyfriend stay when we were that age and I found it creepy having him around.

This is not the case. My older DD literally came home every weekend to see her then bf when she had her first job and he basically lived with us the whole weekend until she went back Sunday night ready for work on Monday. But they had been going out for 2 years.

Well that’s fine; that’s your choice. But I’m just saying we have always said no. And that’s okay too. You can have whatever rules you like as long as you’re clear about it.

Could you compromise on him staying in a separate room?

@Happyearlyretirement That is a very good point. Same here. I've never had sex with my actual husband while we're staying at my parents' house.

I'm not sure I wouldn't find this more embarrassing! Like wait up to see them when they come in and usher him to another room.

Your house your rules !!!!

Even I would draw the line at having stay the night after only 6 weeks into a relationship especially as she keeps banging on about banging him

I'll spare you the lead up but it was a journey for us to work it out. I had no problem with committed partners staying over (I knew them then as well enough to feel comfortable with them) but, if you try the 'committed partners only' thing, you'll find them declaring themselves committed after a week!

In the end, I don't mind my daughter making her own decisions but it is my house and home (which I pay for), and I'm not comfortable having men staying over in my house overnight, while I'm sleeping, that I don't know. I had to get a bit draconian about definitions of committed relationship.

Agree this is a bit of a red flag and makes me think it's on the rebound/intended as some kind of message to ex bf

So what did you decide? How are you defining it? Would you see if they still see each other when term starts? Wait til Christmas holidays?

I told them six months relationship and I had to have met them and feel comfortable with it. I'd have been flexible about it, but didn't tell them that. It was only one child that made it necessary to lay down the law. It wasn't even about sex, because many were just friends.

The bottom line, I don't want strange men in my house overnight. My house, my rules.

They can stay at his or get a hotel if they want to bang. Your house your rules! Don’t explain- there’s really no need. « Sorry not comfortable with that. » No explanation gives no room for argument.

I am pretty relaxed about who my kids bring to stay as I would rather know who they are with and where they are, and not feeling they need to rush to move out to be an adult.

It's not about slut shaming, it's not about judging her relationship choices, it's about you not wanting virtual strangers staying overnight in your house. It's about the security of your home and belongings, it's about your personal safety (and hers), it's about your sense of privacy in your own home.

Your houze, your rulz.

This exactly. I just didn't want men I didn't know (or women, but especially men) in my house at night. I wouldn't do it myself for the same reason, so my DD can't either.

Definite your house your rules. But I allow the boyfriend of my much younger daughter stay. They’d been dating a long time.
My feeling was if he’s allowed to stay they’d be more likely to be here and I’d know she’s safe! I get what you mean about the breakfast situation but in reality, you’d likely be on lunch by the time they get up.

Well I was banned from having any friends, let alone boyfriends, stay over. Ever!
My father was very strict.
It didn't make me want to have sex any less. It just made me dislike my parents and withdraw from them.

If your daughter wants to have sex and casual relationships, she will do it anyway. Personally I'd rather she was in a safe place like her home.
I'll be allowing it for my DD when she is older.

Why not do like my MIL did? Say he can stay over in the guest room then turn a blind eye to the creaking floor boards in the middle of the night?