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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children having partners overnight

210 replies

Tempnamechanger53 · 29/07/2024 21:52

My DD is 19 and has just finished 1st year uni and is home for the Summer holidays. She split up with a long term boyfriend (over 2 years) last summer before they both went away. She has been doing a lot of OLD; very few have got to date 2 or 3.
About 6 weeks ago she went on a first date with someone who dm'd her on Insta. They have mutual friends. They have seen each other maybe 6 or 7 times since then. She is wanting him to now to stay over saying she is an adult and she has had a year at uni being able to live as she chooses. This is not a confirmed or committed relationship yet and what will happen when she returns to uni in October has not been discussed. Whether either or both will not really want a long distance relationship is debatable.
She thinks I ABVU to say that I'm not keen on this as it is so casual. She gives me long lectures on sex positivity and accuses me of slut shaming. She is very good at arguing and I feel I am being browbeaten. AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
mrlistersgelfbride · 29/07/2024 23:49

Sorry I should have RTFT.
It seems you let you DDs have boyfriends over but aren't keen on this short relationship.
I agree with: your house your rules.

IneedAbiggerWindchime · 29/07/2024 23:50

mrlistersgelfbride · 29/07/2024 23:47

Well I was banned from having any friends, let alone boyfriends, stay over. Ever!
My father was very strict.
It didn't make me want to have sex any less. It just made me dislike my parents and withdraw from them.

If your daughter wants to have sex and casual relationships, she will do it anyway. Personally I'd rather she was in a safe place like her home.
I'll be allowing it for my DD when she is older.

Even if she wants a new guy staying over every week, including the guys she's just met on the dating app? Aren't you worried about your and her personal safety?

AgathaMystery · 29/07/2024 23:53

I would not allow a man I didn’t know very very well to stay overnight in my home. I don’t care who he’s banging.

Original poster
Tempnamechanger53 · 29/07/2024 23:57

If this makes a difference, she'll be 20 in a few months in Autumn. There have been no randoms brought home in the year since the split. This is the first guy she's dated she seems pretty keen on.

OP posts:
Treesnbirds · 29/07/2024 23:57

I would definitely allow this. I'm surprised by so many who wouldn't. She's an adult. And she's your daughter. It'll make her life so difficult if you say no. Where will she go instead? You never know he might end up being a LTR or who she settles down with.

Unless I had a bad feeling about him in which case a definite no.

BlueyInsideVoice · 29/07/2024 23:57

He lives a fair drive away so I think she thinks it would be easier for him to stay rather than drive an hour home after they go out. She thinks not allowing him to stay will spoil her lovely summer fling.

After reading this part I'd say YAB a bit U.

It would be easier for him to stay rather than drive an hour home. If they're going out, will they be drinking?
If he got a hotel for the night would you be bothered about her going to stay with him then?

When you add that to the fact that she hasn't brought a man to your house since the break up (meaning this isn't a pattern, and unlikely to be a ONS) I'd say let him stay.

Gives you a chance to get to know him, see what he's like. Even if it's a summer fling at the minute, that could all change once they spend a bit more time together.

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/07/2024 23:59

If shes not the one night stand/parade of lads type, she's not going to suddenly turn into one now.

Summer fling with the convenience of staying at yours... or she spends much MUCH more of her time elsewhere with him and skint...

She's going to spend time with him whatever... where would you rather that be? Won't be long before she never spends long periods at your home again.

Original poster
Tempnamechanger53 · 30/07/2024 00:01

BlueyInsideVoice · 29/07/2024 23:57

He lives a fair drive away so I think she thinks it would be easier for him to stay rather than drive an hour home after they go out. She thinks not allowing him to stay will spoil her lovely summer fling.

After reading this part I'd say YAB a bit U.

It would be easier for him to stay rather than drive an hour home. If they're going out, will they be drinking?
If he got a hotel for the night would you be bothered about her going to stay with him then?

When you add that to the fact that she hasn't brought a man to your house since the break up (meaning this isn't a pattern, and unlikely to be a ONS) I'd say let him stay.

Gives you a chance to get to know him, see what he's like. Even if it's a summer fling at the minute, that could all change once they spend a bit more time together.

No he doesn't drink as he has to drive home. I think once they went out to a pub with a group of friends and he stayed at one of the male friends' houses after.

OP posts:
IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 30/07/2024 00:01

Anonym00se · 29/07/2024 22:11

For me, it’s not about them having sex under my roof, it’s that I wouldn’t be comfortable with a strange man sleeping in my house.

This.

DD is same age and i don't want a carosel of strangers in my home.

IneedAbiggerWindchime · 30/07/2024 00:02

Tempnamechanger53 · 29/07/2024 23:57

If this makes a difference, she'll be 20 in a few months in Autumn. There have been no randoms brought home in the year since the split. This is the first guy she's dated she seems pretty keen on.

If she's not got form for bringing home randoms and this is the first guy, I'd be more relaxed about it. Does she generally have good judgement?

Like I said, it was only one of mine that made me have to become less relaxed. You can change things if it isn't working out, but it's harder to go back.

RM2013 · 30/07/2024 00:05

I have a 19 year old and am finding it hard to navigate this too. I do very much feel that it’s our house and our DC should respect our wishes but I also don’t want to alienate them and I want them to feel safe in their own home. DS has been seeing his GF a few months and she stays occasionally and he also stays over at her house. He knows that we expect him to be respectful Nd he always asks if we mind her staying over.
i moved out and bought my first house when i was 19. Life was so different back then!!

Original poster
Tempnamechanger53 · 30/07/2024 00:06

I'm pretty sure the OLD hasn't involved ONS. At Christmas when home for the holidays, she was still upset over break up. I think she thought they might get back together on NYE but then he was a no show at the party she thought they'd both go to. No dates at all when home at Easter. She went on 2 dates with another boy at the very start of the holiday in May but he wasn't brought in to meet me and she was home quite early from both so think it was just drinks both times.

OP posts:
Jellytotsandwinegums · 30/07/2024 00:08

They've been seeing each other for 6 weeks,6 or 7 dates, friends in common, so it's not a carousel of unknown men visiting, it's your daughters boyfriend.

i would say yes to him staying over -I think YABU to refuse on the grounds that you don't think it will last.

SD1978 · 30/07/2024 00:17

She's not in a relationship, it's a (currently) casual fling, and you're not comfortable having a shagging partner in your house- fair. She needs to respect that, and it's not up to you to compromise- she's in your house for the summer. Sue can have sex with who she wants when she wants when she goes back, but she should be accepting no from you. Why isn't she going to stay at his parents? Why are you expected to be the one who compromises?

Original poster
Tempnamechanger53 · 30/07/2024 00:18

SD1978 · 30/07/2024 00:17

She's not in a relationship, it's a (currently) casual fling, and you're not comfortable having a shagging partner in your house- fair. She needs to respect that, and it's not up to you to compromise- she's in your house for the summer. Sue can have sex with who she wants when she wants when she goes back, but she should be accepting no from you. Why isn't she going to stay at his parents? Why are you expected to be the one who compromises?

I think because he drives here to see her and take her out.

OP posts:
BruFord · 30/07/2024 00:51

Similar situation here, my DD (19) finished her first year of uni and started seeing someone over the summer. They’ve been out about about five times, I think. They also met through mutual friends.

I don’t think I’d be comfortable with him staying over yet and DH absolutely wouldn’t, I’ve barely spoken to him so far. If their relationship continues, that’s different.

If they decide to have a weekend away in a hotel of course, that’s up to them. But we’re not quite ready to host him. I don’t know whether that’s old-fashioned/uptight or what, but that’s how we feel right now. 🤷

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/07/2024 00:53

Nope.

No reason you should put up with randos and strangers. Let her get her own place if she wants that.

Pathetic that she thinks a few dates merits shagging guys under her mother's roof. She needs to work on her self respect and not be so desperate to please them.

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/07/2024 00:54

Jellytotsandwinegums · 30/07/2024 00:08

They've been seeing each other for 6 weeks,6 or 7 dates, friends in common, so it's not a carousel of unknown men visiting, it's your daughters boyfriend.

i would say yes to him staying over -I think YABU to refuse on the grounds that you don't think it will last.

It's not a boyfriend after six dates.

Whatever happened to having standards?

BettyBardMacDonald · 30/07/2024 00:56

Treesnbirds · 29/07/2024 23:57

I would definitely allow this. I'm surprised by so many who wouldn't. She's an adult. And she's your daughter. It'll make her life so difficult if you say no. Where will she go instead? You never know he might end up being a LTR or who she settles down with.

Unless I had a bad feeling about him in which case a definite no.

She's a teenager, very barely a legal adult. She's not self-supporting and she doesn't run her own household.

theduchessofspork · 30/07/2024 01:01

She is. He isn’t a long term partner so why would you want him in your space. Just tell her you are delighted for her to have all the sex with all the people she likes - but you don’t want to look at her summer fling over your smoothie. Slut shaming my arse, she is being a stroppy teen, just be firm.

BruFord · 30/07/2024 01:12

@Treesnbirds Yes, they’re young adults living for free in their parent’s homes over the summer. So the parents make the house rules!

My DD can do what she likes once she moves into her apartment (sharing with friends) in a few weeks or they can go to a hotel in the meantime. Or his parents can host her.

But we’re not ready to host a 20-year-old whom we don’t know and it’s our house.

StupendousConfectionary · 30/07/2024 01:59

SpanThatWorld · 29/07/2024 22:01

I would rather that my kids were having sex at my house where it is safe.

Im sure two consenting adults are capable of finding a safe space to have sex in. (E.g his place or a hotel) Don’t try and guilt trip the OP into allowing this man to stay overnight in her home.

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/07/2024 02:03

I would not want strange people in my home.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 30/07/2024 06:26

She sounds rather spoilt and entitled.
This is your house and you are not having random strangers staying in it.
If she is so grown up they can pay for a hotel and she can live her grown up life 24/7 there.
Your house, your rules.
Don't argue with her. No is the answer.

Valeriekat · 30/07/2024 06:29

LadyWhistled0wn · 29/07/2024 21:54

YANBU. Long term boyfriends, fine otherwise no.

No, your house your rules.