Adult children having partners overnight

[Tempnamechanger53]

My DD is 19 and has just finished 1st year uni and is home for the Summer holidays. She split up with a long term boyfriend (over 2 years) last summer before they both went away. She has been doing a lot of OLD; very few have got to date 2 or 3.
About 6 weeks ago she went on a first date with someone who dm'd her on Insta. They have mutual friends. They have seen each other maybe 6 or 7 times since then. She is wanting him to now to stay over saying she is an adult and she has had a year at uni being able to live as she chooses. This is not a confirmed or committed relationship yet and what will happen when she returns to uni in October has not been discussed. Whether either or both will not really want a long distance relationship is debatable.
She thinks I ABVU to say that I'm not keen on this as it is so casual. She gives me long lectures on sex positivity and accuses me of slut shaming. She is very good at arguing and I feel I am being browbeaten. AIBU or is she?

I was in your daughter’s position about 17 years ago . I don’t think you’re unreasonable. Ar the end of the day you and she don’t know this person really and you’d have valid concerns about strangers in the house. That would be the line I’d take.

Every friend I had either had to book a hotel for a night or the other half/person had their own place - not their parents’ place. That’s the way it was and I don’t think things have moved on that much in this respect since 2007!

I think her saying you’re slut shaming her is a load of twaddle. All you can do is give her advice but she may well in a few years regret certain encounters. I know I do! 😊

His car would be parked in my drive so unless he made a very early getaway I'd see it there!

It's a no from me. It's not a carousel yet but could well become one. Long term relationship, fine, but it's really up to you who you have in your house.

Tell her to take him to her own place if she wants a lovely summer fling. Oh she doesn't have her own place? She wants to continue her education while staying with you, presumably for free or very cheaply? well then she lives by your rules until she can have her own place. Until then she puts up with it in order to get to the place she wants to be. That's life poppet. Suck it up. She might want to think about showing a little gratitude too.

@Sladuf so was I, but my parents were ok with boyfriends staying and so were most of my friends’ parents. We often didn’t want our bf/gf to stay though as didn’t want them getting the third degree from parents 😂

ok

I think it's up to you, it's your house and your rules. If you're not comfortable with him staying over, you're perfectly within your rights to say no. Can't she stay at his place?

I think YABU. You've met him, she knows him, he lives far away, it's her home too. I think you should let her have a summer romance.

I don't relate to this banning of boyfriends/lovers (casual or otherwise) from staying overnight with adult children and I am quite old (50). My mother would allow me to have casual boyfriends overnight and so would my friends' parents with them. My children aren't at this stage yet but I can't imagine me, nor any of my friends with teen children, applying this rule.

But I guess it's your house, you can do what you like.

Honestly, I wish to god I could have stayed with my parents to that age and beyond. I was struggling to afford to feed myself at 19 and her biggest worry is her lovely summer fling being ruined by mean old mummy. You've done that for her, you have been a decent supportive parent and made her life easy so that she can a university education that will make her entire life better and easier and she wants to disrespect you and argue with you about not wanting to bring a stranger into your home to stay the night? Stand your ground.

I think this is so difficult. You want DC to be safe, but also don't want your home to be used as a knocking shop.

I've never actually said no when my DSs wanted to bring someone home, but they've never asked until things were getting serious. I don't get introduced to casual GFs!

Does the man want to come to her parents' house for sex?!

I think you’re being unreasonable. She’s an adult, she can sleep with someone after a few weeks. You are judging her decisions. Banning him from overnight stays won’t stop the sex anyway.

This is not really about her.
I would not want a stranger in my house so no reason why you should feel guilty not wanting one either!

I’d been with my now dh 5 years before I was allowed to stay over with him. We were both 23. I think this is a bit extreme, but I also think your dd is unreasonable here. I can understand you not wanting a string of men staying over. What she does at uni is her business, but this isn’t uni so she needs to show a bit more respect for your feelings.

You don't want a revolving door of random now that she's OLD. She can't invite him up to uni if she wants him to stay over so badly or go stay with him. She's 19, I don't think she's an adult who can do whatever she wants. She's just barely one who still needs to have respect for others at home.

Oh guys you're confusing me. I kind of agree 'my house,my rules' but when is a relationship long term enough? If they see each other again over Christmas/New Year do I say as that will be 6-7 months?

Definitely that factor affected my decisions too and also the whole awkwardness of other people overhearing!! Bad enough if you ever overheard your parents. 😱

I don't think it's about DD having sex, but about OP's home having a constant steam of strangers.

It is your house your rules - and I do sympathise as a parent - but do be aware that if you don't let them stay over and they don't have anywhere else to go (what's his living situation?) then they'll end up banging in a field or on a car in a supermarket car park. I'm afraid I'm speaking from experience here. As the former 19 year old with strict parents.

You shouldn't feel uncomfortable in your own home and if it might make you feel uncomfortable to have a relative stranger staying in the house, then it's ok to say no and it shouldn't be considered unreasonable.

For me I wouldn’t give a toss about the sex part, I just wouldn’t want some randomer staying in MY house.

No I wouldn't have him stay. Once she goes back to uni she can do what she likes. My oldest is 23 and she's not allowed boys to stay

YANBU

you need to think about why it bothers YOU.

your daughters sex life is none of your business, she is an adult and can sleep with as many men as she choses her reputation is her business.

personally i would be inclinded to say yes as she has asked and also becuase now youve said you do know him.

Your house your rules.

I don't think it's anything to do with sex.vits to do with having people in your home for prolonged periods of time who you don't know very well. In the same way that I have a number of friends but only a handful where we'd go and. stay in each others houses for the weekend. Its uncomfortable having people in your house who you have to make small talk with especially when it's not just over breakfast. Its bad of her to expect you to put in the effort to get to know someone to the point of being comfortable enough with them to have them stay over, knowing that you're not likley to be around for long. That would be the same if they were having sex or just lying around all night talking. She is making it all about her when it's about how you feel about people in your home