To be annoyed at friend for dropping me quietly from her wedding?

[Mls1984btc]

Been a long time high school and uni friend.Sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over the past 20 years.

She got engaged a few months ago. We met up and chatted excitedly about the proposal and wedding. Plus she has also bought a new house. The wedding invite was extended there and then. It will be at a overseas venue. I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of. Despite the fact that I was going through an acrimonious divorce at that time, I was genuinely happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

She was okay about it and did not bring up the subject again.

However, as the wedding approaches, she has stopped mentioning the invitation. I have tried to invite her to a few dinner dates, all of which were turned down by her. I got the vibe that she is trying to avoid me, in hope of me forgetting about the wedding.

I could understand the stress in organising the wedding while holding down a full time job etc but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

Only time will tell I guess. She is likely miffed at the loan refusal but she's being unreasonable. I'd wait and see what happens. But this is all her not you. Concentrate on rebuilding your own life with the people you can rely on.

She sounds like a user and a taker, withdrawing the wedding invitation and basically dropping you because you refused to lend her money.

Nobody here can tell you that. Maybe she’s turning down dinner because she’s broke?

Why don’t you ask her outright how her wedding planning is going? Then if she needs to tell you she has had to downsize her plans she can. If she was originally going to cover all of your costs bar the travel it sounds very costly for her.

She's a user. Who plans a wedding abroad and asks their friend for a loan? She's got champagne tastes and wants you to fund it.

If she needed a loan maybe she can’t afford to go for dinner… or afford the wedding she had been planning

This .. I'm sorry. My now ex best friend uninived me from her wedding where I was supposed to be a bridesmaid because I was pregnant. I was devastated, but actually, she did me a massive favour. she was a horrible friend and not a very nice peeson , it just took the fallout for me to see that.

Knowing the astronomical costs involved in wedding of such scale, I have mentioned to her about potentially funding my own stay at the wedding, if is too much for her. She was having none of it and insisted I just need to pay for my own flight.

The cost for the dinner dates is moot - we either split or I pay so that has never been an issue going out.

I am feeling slightly hurt that she can just dropped me quietly like that and no doubt will attempts to pick this up again after the wedding. Knowing her, she will claims ignorance and knowing me, I will just move on and continue being a part of her life.

Will someone please beats some sense into me to stop being such a people pleaser!

Funnily enough I can be hard when it comes to family but a softie when it comes to my friends.

With regard to the loan, she is keen to get it from me as it will be of a lower percentage (not sure what) than what the bank will charge. Plus that will also show up on her credit history.

She has never done this before (asking me for loan) so I do suspect that it is the doing of her fiance.

She's not your friend. She's a user. Do not lend her any money. You won't see it again

I would stop trying to contact her and wait to see what happens. If she doesn't make contact even to explain she's cut back on guests then draw a line under it all and move on.
I certainly wouldn't be picking back up with her again if she makes contact when the wedding is over.
A good friend wouldn't treat you like that

This
She is a user who is punishing you for saying no to her CRAZY request

I might ask a sibling or parent for money but i wouldnt even ask my best friend for thousands

Edit: whatever happens do NOT give her the money unless you are happy to never see it again

Only a few £k's?
Golly.

She’s a user.

Just because she’s an old friend, doesn’t mean she’s a good one.

Don’t chase her about it - I wouldn’t go to the wedding. If challenged, I’d say, oh I’d sent several messages about meeting up and didn’t get a response so assumed that you no longer wanted me to come.

Yes - big/expensive weddings are stressful for the bride/groom. They don’t have to do that - it’s their choice and absolutely not your problem financially. I went to the register office for £37. It was almost 25 years ago and I have never regretted it for a single second. Neither has DH.

You come across as a nice people pleaser OP. You need to quit that right away. If you don’t, menopause will do it for you anyway.

How much op? And she's dropped you because you said no, don't lend her anything, you'll never see it again

Did you mean to say that when you go out for dinner, either you pay for both of you or you each pay for yourself? So she's used to you being generous?
This isn't good.

That was my immediate reaction too.

Only a few thousand pounds. Easy come easy go, eh? 🤣

OP, are you sure she's even planning a wedding?

The cost for the dinner dates is moot - we either split or I pay so that has never been an issue going out.

She has never done this before (asking me for loan) so I do suspect that it is the doing of her fiance.

If you routinely pay for dinner, has she / they had the whiff that you may have a bit of money, or are quite generous? She always pays for dinner, she must be rolling in it - ask her for a couple of grand for the wedding, she probably won't mind!

Good friends should never be afraid to ask each other for help, even financial, but good friends should never be offended by an answer. Thank goodness you didn't agree to lend her money!
I'd suggest you don't push the conversation, and if it turns out that she's dropped you, move on with people that treat you with respect.

Why do you often pay for her dinner?

Knowing her, she will claims ignorance and knowing me, I will just move on and continue being a part of her life.

Seriously? You need to start having a bit of self-respect OP and not allowing others to pick you up and drop you on a whim. No wonder this woman asks you for loans and drops you when you say No if she knows you'll just be sitting there like a loyal puppy next time she needs you.

Sounds to me more likely that she is having second thoughts about the cost of the wedding abroad. Maybe she is trying to scale things down.

You regularly paying for both of you for meals and her never reciprocating shows that this isn’t an equal or balanced friendship. If she’s not well off she should be suggesting cheaper nights out that she can afford, not sponging off you. And also not planning a wedding she can’t afford!

How do you know whether she even likes and respects you if you’re essentially paying for her to spend time with you?

She is very cheeky to assume you can give her a loan of money then go intro a huff because you actually can:’t afford it.

She's planning an expensive wedding but needs to tap a friend up for a loan? Why do people do things they just can't afford?

She a horrible user. I wouldn’t be bothering with her again. You sound like a lovely friend but don’t be taken for a fool.

The cost for the dinner dates is moot - we either split or I pay

Why? Why doesn’t she ever pay? Do you earn loads more than her or something?