To be annoyed at friend for dropping me quietly from her wedding?

[Mls1984btc]

Been a long time high school and uni friend.Sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over the past 20 years.

She got engaged a few months ago. We met up and chatted excitedly about the proposal and wedding. Plus she has also bought a new house. The wedding invite was extended there and then. It will be at a overseas venue. I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of. Despite the fact that I was going through an acrimonious divorce at that time, I was genuinely happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

She was okay about it and did not bring up the subject again.

However, as the wedding approaches, she has stopped mentioning the invitation. I have tried to invite her to a few dinner dates, all of which were turned down by her. I got the vibe that she is trying to avoid me, in hope of me forgetting about the wedding.

I could understand the stress in organising the wedding while holding down a full time job etc but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

My goodness, just move on please!!!

She clearly doesn't really want you at the wedding. She sounds like she wants your money. A true friend does not blank you or ignore you.

If she missed you she'd be in touch. Sorry to be so blunt but maybe wise up a bit.

I don’t get why someone would say they were having an abroad wedding and say you only have to pay travel costs, and then try to ask for a loan. Sounds like she can’t afford the wedding was chancing her arm! She might have had to downsize and be embarrassed about telling you or she’s annoyed with you for not loaning her the money. Either way she’s in the wrong. So you haven’t received a formal invite? When is the wedding?
I would just leave it for now. You’ve tried to reach out and been rejected. She would
know if it’s an abroad wedding you’d need time to make arrangements. If the weddings not for two years or something I’d leave it. However if it’s in like three months perhaps a casual ‘hey, haven’t heard from you in ages! Fancy a catch up? How’s the wedding planning going?’ Is in order. Don’t be surprised if she ignores you though.

I’d ask 💯🙂

Why should she? It's very obvious that she hasn't been invited. The wedding is in 6 weeks time, if she had wanted to invite the OP she would have done so by now.

It would cause embarrassment all round if the OP went cap in hand asking for an invitation

I agree with you that she should've shown you the respect of clarity either way with 6 weeks left until the destination wedding, knowing it involved flights and time off work etc.
Focus on those people in your life that reciprocate your kindness, and that can be in many ways.

It’s taken 8 pages for everyone to say the same thing! Not invited and don’t lend any money. Get something else to do that weekend.

Hi thanks everyone I will not be contacting her unless she got back with wedding info.

I bet its her fiance behind dropping you. He wanted your money, didn't get it and has convinced her that you are no friend to her so he doesn't want you there.
if he is as manipulative and calculating as you say, I think that's the most likely.

Sorry but you might have been friends years but you’re not as close as you think!!…

She feels comfortable asking you for a few £k, but you can’t even ask her whether you’re invited to her big day?! It’s not begging, it’s a simple ‘hey friend, I haven’t heard from you, am I still invited as I really need to book flights asap!!’…

I don’t think you’ve got anything to loose .. she seems to take and you seem to give!!… I think you need to take a step back and actually look at who’s benefitting from this…. It certainly isn’t you!!! … meals are either split or you pay… she never repays the favour?!? REALLY???? Quite frankly she sounds like a leach!! She butters you up with a promise of an invite then sneaks in a request for a loan… then when you say no the invite (as you say) is quietly withdrawn… She sounds awful… you’re her friend because you’re useful !!
Text and ask her, if she doesn’t reply or isn’t inviting you then please have some courage to walk away!

You sound like a truly lovely and kind person. I’ve been cheering for you, reading your replies, as you come to the realization that you deserve better.
realizing that is the first step to much better relationships.
it’s not that they treat you a certain way and not others - it’s that many other people won’t stand for this. These kinds of people tend to find the kindhearted ones who will give and give and give.
I used to think I had a sign on my head or something, for all my friendships to be so one-sided -
and I can imagine how awful you’re feeling right now.
but remember this feeling. As you get stronger and imagine the kind of friendships that are more equal, these kind of people will seem to obvious to you, and you won’t put energy into their bullshit.

therapy helped me a ton - I highly recommend a good therapist (plenty of bad ones out there though) -

but you already sound like you’re getting quite clear about it all.

this kind of thing is such a let down -

but good for you for being strong !

As someone said - time will tell- you’d hope someone hasn’t told her her well off friend chose not to help her (you said ‘only a few k and I regularly see people on here talking like this)..

As others said she might be having second thoughts about a big wedding and they might just be putting her under pressure. Hopefully it’s nothing worse than that x

@Mls1984btc - would be interested to find out if she has invited your ex. She seems the type.

Sorry. That's crap of her.
While I like the thought of hearing what she would say if you asked her, letting it be something that she failed to inform you is far more dignified from your point of view.
You'll make better friends. Sounds like the relationship with her has run its course and you'll better of without her.

I'm slightly confused about why wedding invitations haven't been sent six weeks before a wedding?

Or do you have the invitation.but now.think that she doesn't want you to actually come

I think that you could be bright and breezy.

Hello x seems the post is playing up, I haven't received my wedding invitation and obviously the wedding is only six weeks away .

Could you please resend

Hi @Mls1984btc youve dodged a bullet here. Never easy getting money back. It took me over 3 years to get my money back. By you mentioning your friend never paying for your meal is also a sign even though she’s not a student anymore she’s never reciprocated your kindness towards her. Have you now noticed that this was always one sided?

It could be that she’s embarrassed herself by asking you for the loan and doesn’t want to see you or interact with you for fear you might bring the subject up — and she’s got no defense for her actions.
Which for anyone would be quite embarrassing.

Just a thought.

Did she possibly ask for a loan knowing about the divorce she probably assumed you’d got a large payout from the divorce and thought you’d happily provide. I always think it’s strange for brides to throw expensive weddings then expect people to pay to travel their out of their own pocket for an amazing “experience”

Common, you send formal invitations to everybody you plan inviting, irrespective of how easy or not they are.
At the end of the day giving time and notice to book flights is a common courtesy.

In any normal friendship it would be normal for you to ask her the details…long before now in fact.

This!

I got back in touch with an old school friend and, having had several great evenings catching up, invited her to our wedding. Invitations went out - heard nothing. I was a bit put out but, frankly, too busy to chase it up. In the meantime, she was waiting for the invitation, all ready to accept…..and the damn thing never arrived!! At the time there was a bit of a hoo-haa - sacks of mail being dumped, postman fired etc etc. But because I never knew and she was too embarrassed to ask, she didnt come to the wedding which I am sad about and regret.

Your friend’s silence may not indicate a ‘don’t give a shit’ attitude towards you. It may be that she is embarrassed to have gone excitedly OTT and asked you when, really, it now transpires that all they can afford is immediate family only! Maybe she is having a wobble regarding her fiance? Who knows….

But I think you deserve to know! One way or another. If she is a shit friend or just got stupidly excited. I think you should send her a text “how are you? How is all the wedding prep going? I haven’t heard anything further, since you asked me so can I assume that it’s now close family only? No worries, if so!”

The invitation was extended at the beginning of the meet-up, when she broke the news and showed me the ring. I wasn't hallucinating (though giddy with joy for her) as she actually say "I want you to be there. Of course you will have your own room, you can bring a plus one. Just book the flight. Xxx is beautiful you will love it etc. She also briefly mentioned the month and the new house they bought.

Then came the loan. She only mentioned the loan once during the lunch (of which I paid because that's like a celebratory lunch for her engagement).

Naively at that time, I really did not think it was such a big deal that I rejected the request - I explained to her the intricacies of financial remedy, how I actually need a lump sum to buy my ex out of the marital home etc so I cannot be seen handing out unsecured loan to friends. She seems to accept my explanation and dropped the subject for the rest of afternoon.

On reflection, I could now see how the refusal has lowered her mood and became less enthusiastic towards the end of the meet-up.

I started going through our texts and whatsapp history after the responses from this thread. It is clear now in terms of where I stand in her life- I have overestimated my position. She has never once asked me about my separation, divorce and difficult ex.

Strangely enough I feel relieved instead of sad. I am glad that she has shown me her true colour. Life goes on and I wish her the best but I need to start focusing on my post divorce life instead of ruminating on why she decided to drop me.

Now the question is whether I should block her or mute her or do nothing. I am actually curious to see what sort of opening gambit she will use.

That's exactly what I was trying to avoid - embarrassing both parties!

And I do not need to beg for a place at someone's wedding.

Her loss OP, such a trite phrase, but very true in this case OP. This was a friendship totally slanted in her favour and you being a kindly soul hadn't really noticed or been bothered by it until now. So I repeat, her loss.