To be annoyed at friend for dropping me quietly from her wedding?

[Mls1984btc]

Been a long time high school and uni friend.Sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over the past 20 years.

She got engaged a few months ago. We met up and chatted excitedly about the proposal and wedding. Plus she has also bought a new house. The wedding invite was extended there and then. It will be at a overseas venue. I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of. Despite the fact that I was going through an acrimonious divorce at that time, I was genuinely happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

She was okay about it and did not bring up the subject again.

However, as the wedding approaches, she has stopped mentioning the invitation. I have tried to invite her to a few dinner dates, all of which were turned down by her. I got the vibe that she is trying to avoid me, in hope of me forgetting about the wedding.

I could understand the stress in organising the wedding while holding down a full time job etc but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

This.

Take these replies as your sign to stop letting her treat you that way.

I find it quite embarrassing that I have to ask for further information. Is as if I am now begging to be invited.

A way to avoid that if you can't face it is to take the opposite approach.

'Hi [friend]
I'm assuming that I am no longer invited to your wedding. Is that correct?'

I think that avoids the looking like you're begging for an invitation but you'll know for definite and can think about how to proceed after the wedding.

And if you decide to back off but then start having a wobble, come back to MN. We'll stiffen your backbone for you.

No one having an overseas wedding on a month and a half hasn't sent out the invitations by now.

And got a wedding she can't afford..the begging bowl out for a few grand isn't exactly spare change.
Nope move along you mooching fucker.

@Mls1984btc You know deep down it’s going ahead without you. You said you see this woman for a meet up occasionally and you pay. You must realise this is sponging off you and wasn’t a great friendship. Do not ask her if you are still invited! Why even bother? You aren’t. So do something else with your time and money. Plenty of better things to do and stop chasing this “friendship”. It’s anything but. Concentrate on you and real friends.

Don't bother with her from now on. Fuck her. Just quietly ghost her. What the hell is she wanting to borrow several thousand pounds from you for? She's getting married and needs to borrow money from you? What the actual hell?

I must admit I had what I thought was a really close friend in my childhood and teens, and in my 20s. We did loads of stuff together, went clubbing and pubbing, dated boyfriends together, went clothes shopping together, went on day trips together, lived together for a short spell (about seven or eight months,) and went on several holidays together.

When we were 24, she met her boyfriend a few weeks after I met mine. (Now my husband.) She told me she was getting married after only being together with him for about 10 months. They were getting married in four months time. Kept blathering on about it. How excited she was, how amazing her wedding was going to be, how she loved her dress, how she loved the flowers she was having, told me what photographer she had booked etc......

At no point did she mention me coming. She did ask me to the hen do, which was just really a few rounds of drink in a couple of pubs with about 15 other women - which I went to 2 weeks before the wedding. Still no invite to the wedding.

I mentioned it to one of her 3 sisters and asked her if I was invited. She said 'oh, it's only really close family going, and you haven't had an invitation - so no...' So at that point, I had it confirmed that I hadn't been invited. I was really hurt.

I then found out 3 of my friend's husband's work colleagues had been invited (and their partners.) Also 2 of her neighbours and partners, and the 6 children they had between them. (She had lived in that house for 6 months, so hadn't known them 5 minutes.) And she invited 3 cousins and their boyfriends, and even one of the boyfriend's mothers - who she'd met just twice. Also, 5 of her work colleagues went.

Yet her so called best friend of the best part of 20 years (me) was excluded. I must admit our friendship never recovered from that. I was done. I moved 10 miles away from the area we lived/grew up in not long after, and never told her where I lived and never contacted her again. She didn't try to contact me either. I never found out what I did wrong/why I wasn't invited. I know, I know, I should have asked, but I didn't!

I see her from time to time in the place I used to live when I visit occasionally. I say 'hello' (she does too,) and I carry on walking..... To be honest with you, that was it for me. It was like a smack in the face - not being invited to her wedding. I know, people can invite who they want, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I should have been invited . I was her best friend. So I thought.......................

I have a friend who loaned another good friend a few k, when they were in a bind. Long story short, that person never paid it back, or even hinted at it. I suspect they never had any intention to. Both communication and the friendship went dead.

She is a long time friend and like I say, she has never asked me for a loan before l. I have no doubt that she will most certainly pay me back.

Wedding can incur huge expenses, especially when she just bought a house as well. If I could loan her some money to tide her over for the next few months (and I will be paid back), I really cannot see the issue here.

The aibu is related to her potentially dropping me quietly. The subject of loan never resurfaced after the conversation so who knows it might have nothing to do with the dropping out.

“The wedding is getting close, are you going to send me the details soon so I can book my flights?”

That should force her hand.

@HungryLittleCrocodile wow that's a shame. Years of relationship down the drain. And for you to found out that way makes it even more cruel.

I am very sorry for you. Like I say our friendship dynamic has always been pretty laid back. She knew I will be there when she is ready hence I am not surprised that no formal invitation has been sent my way.

But if she is dropping me quietly there's no way I will let her back in. I deserve that little bit of respect.

Just send a breezy
”Hi how are you? How’s all the plans going for the big day?”

Then you haven’t asked about yourself going or no need to be embarrassed- you haven’t set yourself up for rejection. Then when/if she replies with a v sorry we had to curtail numbers blah blah - I would then say , “ well you should have let me know instead of keeping me wondering , I’m sorry that my invite was dependent on me loaning your money, how disappointing. Have a great day anyway.” Then I’d move on and contact her again.
stand up for yourself - it’ll set you in good stead for future friendships/relationships.

I mean NOT contact her again obviously

Wedding can incur huge expenses, especially when she just bought a house as well

Yes, which is why you dont plan an extravagant overseas wedding if you cannot afford it- its this kind of justifying her behaviour that has led you into people pleasing mode.

Would YOU do this? my guess is you'd plan your wedding according to your budget, not plan something hugely expensive and then try to borrow off your friends to fund it.

Stop making excuses for her. It doesnt matter how great she's been as a friend up until now, what she's asking is outrageous and completely out of order. The fact she seems to have dropped you after you said no is even worse and solidifies the fact she is bloody using you.

Stop making excuses for her- we cant all have what we want all the time, thats life and it applies to all of us, not just her. Stop being a mug and recognise her for what she is - a user.

Not a friend. Forget about it. Move on.

I’d ask. You needn’t say it’s because you have to book the flights (as that implies you expect to go and could be awkward). Just a quick message like: ‘How are the wedding plans going?’. Otherwise, she might think it odd you’ve not asked or offered to help with arrangements etc.

If it was me, I wouldn’t feel snubbed if not invited. I’ve never married and don’t think weddings are a big deal. But I appreciate how difficult it can be to invite everyone you want to, especially if families are expecting every last cousin and partner to attend.

IMHO it shouldn’t mean the end of your friendship if you’re not invited. It really depends on the reason and how honest she is. If she can’t have everyone there and explains that to you, that’s surely fair enough. But if she keeps avoiding you, or invites similar friends and not you, that’s more of an issue.

Also depends how much you value her friendship. No point remaining close for old times sake. Life moves on.

I have no doubt that she will pay me back this statement seems entirely at odds with this:

started off when I was earning and she was still a student. Then the pattern continues - either I paid for my own or for both. She has never paid for mine

and this

Knowing her, she will claims ignorance and knowing me, I will just move on and continue being a part of her life

Does this really sound like someone reliable who will pay you back?! 🙄

So I would just have to ask her outright, no beating around the bush! If you’re uninvited then that would be it for me. And I imagine that it would be as a result of the loan refusal which is disgusting of her.

‘Hey X, how are the plans going for the wedding? As you had said about me booking flights when we met up in April, and now the big day is not far away, I wanted to double-check that I wasn’t missing anything.’

I hate to point this out but you keep saying, confidently, that this person who “never asked for a loan before” would “definitely pay you back.” There is simply no reason to believe that. She has never been tested before.

And, in fact, you now know that when she gets s embarrassed or disobliged she will ghost you. If you did loan her the money Im pretty sure she would ghost you or try to get you to convert it into s wedding gift rather than pay you.

These are my thoughts too. According to OP she has a pattern of pretending difficult issues dont exist and ghosting/denying all knowledge as a result. It's pretty obvious how any potential loan re-payment is going to pan out.....

@pikkumyy77 @silentassassin thanks for highlighting this. As I am replying to all posters who have kindly provided their insights, I have now started to see the flaws of me thinking that she will most certainly pay me back.

That wasn't my intention when I started this thread. I was more annoyed at the fact that my friend can just dropped me without a second thought to me.

And in turns, I was actually more annoyed at myself for allowing this.

I will not be contacting her anymore unless she made good on her promise of the invitation.

I just need to contemplate on whether to block her completely or send her a mature reply indicating the reason why I do not want to have anything to do with her anymore, after the wedding, should she decide to contact me.

WTF?

Not a friend.
A user.

Unless you are a troll because this is an insane thing for anyone to do.

I think you do need to contact her and get a response about the wedding. Because if you don't and act as though you're no longer invited and don't turn up, she will likely act hurt and surprised and go down the line of "you KNEW you were asked, you're my good friend. How could you think...?" Etc next time she wants something, and you will be reeled right back in, feeling you need to apologise and buy her another dinner. Message her and ask her straight out if you're no longer invited. Dont let her get off scott free, make her own this, and get closure for yourself.

I have now started to see the flaws of me thinking that she will most certainly pay me back

It's emotional thinking- you think - she's my friend, of COURSE she would pay me back. Noone likes to think of someone screwing them over, even less a friend. But unfortunately, when acts of kindness like this are involved you can only judge your level of trust using cold hard logic and previous patterns of behaviour. She can avoid you or ghost you very easily it seems (she is doing it right now) so you are right to consider a decision like this without letting emotion get in the way and cloud your judgement.

Remember that the test of someone being genuine and authentic is always if their actions match their words and if they dont - then they are deceiving you and have ulterior motives.

So just a few k’s ? You’ll never see the money again. She’s a user.

No chance of me turning up if I do not know the date and exact place of the wedding venue do I?

Absolutely hate confrontation. Would rather phasing myself out than asking her outright.