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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at friend for dropping me quietly from her wedding?

224 replies

Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 14:53

Been a long time high school and uni friend.Sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over the past 20 years.

She got engaged a few months ago. We met up and chatted excitedly about the proposal and wedding. Plus she has also bought a new house. The wedding invite was extended there and then. It will be at a overseas venue. I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of. Despite the fact that I was going through an acrimonious divorce at that time, I was genuinely happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

She was okay about it and did not bring up the subject again.

However, as the wedding approaches, she has stopped mentioning the invitation. I have tried to invite her to a few dinner dates, all of which were turned down by her. I got the vibe that she is trying to avoid me, in hope of me forgetting about the wedding.

I could understand the stress in organising the wedding while holding down a full time job etc but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

OP posts:
NetflixAndKill · 01/08/2024 12:05

Watching this thread eager to see what excuse she uses after the event.

Gcsunnyside23 · 01/08/2024 14:19

I would just leave it out of curiosity to see when she next contacts you although I've had a similar situation recently with someone I thought was a close friend, not the wedding part, but I realised I was the one always messaging first and trying to organise meets ups which would then be cancelled so I stopped messaging. But when I waited the message never came so I just left it and decided not to think much on it anymore.
On reflection I sadly realised alot of my friendships since I became an adult seem that way, very surface level for the exception of 2 close longtime friends who live very far away.
Be glad you know not to waste your energy there now and take the positives

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 01/08/2024 15:55

NetflixAndKill · 01/08/2024 12:05

Watching this thread eager to see what excuse she uses after the event.

It will be a while - looking back on our message history, I predict she will next approach me during the Christmas period.

No presents from me this time!

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 01/08/2024 16:07

OP I really applaud the way you have used this thread to process your feelings and arrive at your own solution. You sound like a lovely person and losing this fairweather/user friend will hopefully make room for new, better, deeper friendships.

weaseleyes · 01/08/2024 17:00

This is such a disappointing scenario for you, OP.

FWIW, I've had several friendships/relationships where there was an unequal dynamic of me paying for things or helping them out. I was never that confident in relationships and I think it made me feel more confident to feel useful. But it does shift the balance in unhelpful ways. In most cases, I don't think people started out trying to use me, but the way it ended up I became a resource in their eyes. I thought we were in an equal relationship where I just happened to be in a position to help them a bit more. But when their position improved - or mine worsened or I said no - I was no longer a useful resource and I'd be dropped. If I asked about this, then I was seen as clingy.

Anyway, I think everyone can start out with the best intentions, but if a relationship always has an unequal element, over time it mutates into something more transactional and less healthy.

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 01/08/2024 19:45

weaseleyes · 01/08/2024 17:00

This is such a disappointing scenario for you, OP.

FWIW, I've had several friendships/relationships where there was an unequal dynamic of me paying for things or helping them out. I was never that confident in relationships and I think it made me feel more confident to feel useful. But it does shift the balance in unhelpful ways. In most cases, I don't think people started out trying to use me, but the way it ended up I became a resource in their eyes. I thought we were in an equal relationship where I just happened to be in a position to help them a bit more. But when their position improved - or mine worsened or I said no - I was no longer a useful resource and I'd be dropped. If I asked about this, then I was seen as clingy.

Anyway, I think everyone can start out with the best intentions, but if a relationship always has an unequal element, over time it mutates into something more transactional and less healthy.

@weaseleyes you have articulated my friendship dynamics perfectly.

For me, friendship is not a given like family. I know that no matter what, my parents will always be behind me and to a certain extent, my siblings too.

Now that the scales has fell from my eyes with regard to my marriage, I have started to reevaluate my relationship with people in my life. I have given more than I should and that effort is never reciprocated. Not attributing any blame to my parents but growing up, I was taught to always be nice and always be considerate of others, just to avoid being branded as someone who is selfish and ill mannered. This in turns has jeopardise my personal boundaries for many years. I'd like to be useful to people I care about.

OP posts:
Boreoffwithyournakedpics · 01/08/2024 20:08

I don't know if this has been asked but is there a chance the wedding isn't going ahead?

If she hasn't sent out invitations then maybe she doesn't feel the need to announce it's been cancelled - it's hardly joyful news after all. If you suspect him of being behind the loan he doesn't sound a great guy.

It's such a strange way for her to behave; telling you how you will be fully paid for then asking you for a loan. It makes no sense. Guests don't expect to be paid for so why the showy over extravagance when you don't have the means. It's just weird.

Regardless as many pp have said, you've shown yourself to be an excellent friend and if this is the end then it is a massive loss for her and not you.

Emma199107 · 04/08/2024 19:40

What type of ‘friend’ would uninvite you to a wedding as you wouldn’t give her money. It seems she is only your ‘friend’ so she can sponge off you. It may be that she is genuinely busy but you should receive an official invite soon. If not, cut your losses and realise she was never a good friend in the first place.

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 04/08/2024 20:06

Emma199107 · 04/08/2024 19:40

What type of ‘friend’ would uninvite you to a wedding as you wouldn’t give her money. It seems she is only your ‘friend’ so she can sponge off you. It may be that she is genuinely busy but you should receive an official invite soon. If not, cut your losses and realise she was never a good friend in the first place.

I realised this now - thanks to the lovely posters who have kindly taken their time to respond to this thread.

I do not need people like this in my life. I rather be alone and lonely.

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 04/08/2024 20:30

Mls1984btc · 01/08/2024 15:55

It will be a while - looking back on our message history, I predict she will next approach me during the Christmas period.

No presents from me this time!

Show quote history

Did she usually send you presents, too, and if so were they roughly of the same value?

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 04/08/2024 22:12

@MounjaroUser I cannot recalled. Wasn't here last year, can't remember the year before. To be honest, I never really keep track.

OP posts:
Beesandhoney123 · 29/09/2024 16:19

Do you want to go? I'd say not.

Send her a note to say hope the wedding goes well, wish her happiness and she can contact you when back and settled down after the occasion, to meet for coffee and see pics

If she replies she thought you were going, then say you haven't had a an invite and are now booked elsewhere.

If she ignores you or says thx then you can congratulate yourself in having dodged a bullet.

Left · 29/09/2024 16:33

Did you hear from your friend before her wedding OP? Hope all is well.

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 29/09/2024 17:40

She dropped me a whatsapp, few weeks back, forwarding one of those meaningless gif (now that I'm wiser, immediately recognised that as a sign of breadcrumbing).

I sent her a response asking her how's the wedding planning. She waited one day before responding saying the wedding has been postponed due to lack of funds.

The old me would have insisted on treating her to one of those girl spa/day out but I've no plans of seeing her anymore. Not being dramatic but I think i've had enough.

OP posts:
Zucker · 30/09/2024 14:17

Good for you! There's too many cheeky fuckers out there getting away with crap like this every day of the week. At least this one has been stopped in their tracks.

muggart · 30/09/2024 15:04

So she wasn't disinviting you personally because of the loan, she was just struggling to make the whole thing come together which is why she went quiet...

I don't know why people put themselves under so much pressure to have expensive weddings. It's not worth it.

BabyR · 30/09/2024 15:42

Sounds like she got caught up in the wedding excitement but only as a way to ask you for money.
I would not make any further effort.

BabyR · 30/09/2024 16:23

Mls1984btc · 29/09/2024 17:40

She dropped me a whatsapp, few weeks back, forwarding one of those meaningless gif (now that I'm wiser, immediately recognised that as a sign of breadcrumbing).

I sent her a response asking her how's the wedding planning. She waited one day before responding saying the wedding has been postponed due to lack of funds.

The old me would have insisted on treating her to one of those girl spa/day out but I've no plans of seeing her anymore. Not being dramatic but I think i've had enough.

Do not let her use this as an excuse to crawl back in.

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 30/09/2024 16:28

@BabyR I actually feel annoyed when I see the meme. Indifferent about her situation - best wishes to her but I have no intention of socialising with her any further.

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 30/09/2024 21:36

Reads like she's trying to guilt you into giving her the loan. I wouldn't ask for a loan from a friend unless it was life or death anyway, but then if they'd said they couldn't and this happened Id be protecting their feelings and just saying we had to reschedule it and be vague. If you have a smaller budget you cut your clothes accordingly and plan the wedding you can afford, if that means less numbers or a different venue that's what you do. The timings lucky in that you can't lend her the money, I expect she'd have been a nightmare to get the money back from, making you feel guilty, paying lager, sending you memes about how she was struggling. Lucky escape.

Secondguess · 01/10/2024 00:46

I hope your divorce is moving ahead smoothly, it's a shame that your friend isn't giving you any support during this difficult time. I suspect she may be in touch again looking for sympathy from you and trying to re-establish the old pattern of you looking after her. If so, you don't need to respond immediately (or at all).

Runsyd · 03/10/2024 11:27

For what it's worth, I have never regretted dumping a bad friend. What I do regret is not having done it sooner.

Caroparo52 · 03/10/2024 11:30

Concentrate on your life and friends who are real genuine friends. You have done nothing wrong. Let it go and move on re building your life

velvetcoat · 04/10/2024 09:44

Mls1984btc · 29/09/2024 17:40

She dropped me a whatsapp, few weeks back, forwarding one of those meaningless gif (now that I'm wiser, immediately recognised that as a sign of breadcrumbing).

I sent her a response asking her how's the wedding planning. She waited one day before responding saying the wedding has been postponed due to lack of funds.

The old me would have insisted on treating her to one of those girl spa/day out but I've no plans of seeing her anymore. Not being dramatic but I think i've had enough.

Thanks for the update. Well, the lack of funds is on her- why on earth she chose to have a massively expensive overseas wedding she couldnt afford right after buying a house is sheer stupidity to me. Then, the audacity of asking for a loan is unbelievable. Glad you didnt loan it to her, you wouldnt have got it back.

You've made the right decision by letting this friendship fizzle.

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