To be annoyed at friend for dropping me quietly from her wedding?

[Mls1984btc]

Been a long time high school and uni friend.Sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over the past 20 years.

She got engaged a few months ago. We met up and chatted excitedly about the proposal and wedding. Plus she has also bought a new house. The wedding invite was extended there and then. It will be at a overseas venue. I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of. Despite the fact that I was going through an acrimonious divorce at that time, I was genuinely happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

She was okay about it and did not bring up the subject again.

However, as the wedding approaches, she has stopped mentioning the invitation. I have tried to invite her to a few dinner dates, all of which were turned down by her. I got the vibe that she is trying to avoid me, in hope of me forgetting about the wedding.

I could understand the stress in organising the wedding while holding down a full time job etc but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

You’re making a lot of excuses to justify her behaviour OP.

Honestly she sounds like a taker and your friendship doesn’t appear to be balanced . You’ve known her a long time I get that but she doesn’t sound a good friend imo

So the general consensus is she does not want me to be at her wedding?

If is due to the loan then I'm glad. At least now I know. As I said in my previous reply, she has never asked me for a loan. I do not need her friendship in exchange of my money.

Please just ask her. You'll drive yourself around the twist with the wondering.

@Mls1984btc she sounds like a user drop her. As for the loan don't do it, I've been there I got a loan for a family member and they paid one payment pleaded poverty and left me to pay it all back. An ex friend pressured me massively years later into getting her a £2k bank loan to pay for the DJ as she had blown the last of her wedding fund on catering. I was back at uni full time working part time so was hardly flush with cash and didn't want to get burned twice and she knew what my family member did to me and still asked and pressured me. I said no and asked why she couldn't get a bank loan in her name and her reply was "I can't my parents will kill me" I stood firm and refused.

Your friend is showing you who she is take her at face value. I'd send a text asking outright if you're still invited or a subtle have I pissed you off you've been distant and see what she replies with.

The cheeky cow expecting you to pay for her wedding.

if she was planning on paying for everyone's accommodation and needed to borrow to do so I very much suspect the whole wedding has either been scaled back or even postponed.

This. She's a friend in name only, OP.

Then she shouldn't have planned a wedding abroad. She's a CF to ask when the OP is going through a divorce.

Very odd that she asked you for money. I would never ask that of a friend. If she can’t afford the wedding abroad she should have downscaled. I think you have dodged a bullet with that one. Where was her consideration for you and what you were going through?

So she said "You must come to the wedding" but you haven't received a proper invitation and now it's just a few weeks away? Surely anyone who was going to an overseas wedding would need a lot of notice so they're not paying for last minute flights?

Why was she being all flash about treating people to the hotel etc - "Oh just pay for the flight" - when she hadn't got the money?

Has she ever said, "The wedding is in this location at this date and time and this is the name of the hotel?" If not, you're not invited and I'd pull right back from her.

And no more going for meals where you're the only one who pays!

She was going to borrow money off you for an overseas wedding?

And the chance of getting it back are?

Yes, it sounds deeply unlikely that it's going ahead, unless in a very curtailed form.

I agree and I would ask.

Not asking gives her wriggle room to try and weasel her way back in, i.e. oh I'm so sorry, I thought you already had the details or I thought you didn't want to come as you never asked. Then queue her asking for another loan once your divorce is finalised.

At least if you ask you'll know for certain.

I would message and ask when the formal invites are xoming out as you want to book flights and see qhat she says

Her parents will be paying for the accommodation. She and her fiancé wil be paying for the rest, e.g. wedding dresses, flora arrangements, foods etc.

Honestly, you have known her a long time, and have a dynamic whereby you pay for, or subsidise your meet-ups.

I would just block or at least mute her numbers from whichever medium you use to stay connected. She is not a friend .

You're no use to her because you won't lend her money so she's moving on to find a willing victim to scam.

For the record NEVER lend money it just causes problems.

I find it quite embarrassing that I have to ask for further information. Is as if I am now begging to be invited.

And here's me asking a bunch of strangers aibu to feel annoyed at my friend's action (or lack of).

Drop her.

She's no friend.

She has the money to buy a property and have a wedding abroad but chances her luck that you will find some of it! No chance.

I agree that you should confirm with her directly so you know where you stand and can plan accordingly.

and if she has indeed dropped you, you need to find your backbone to end the relationship and move on. You mentioned that your typical approach will be to just go ahead with the grid ship if she comes back after the wedding feigning ignorance, you need to work on this and stop allowing yourself to be used like this.

And you have to be very very very important to me to commit to coming to a wedding that requires multiple” changeover flights.

I would be grateful for swerving this one. Sounds a nightmare. Wedding abroad and several flights to get there. Treat yourself to a nice spa weekend instead and block your friend who uses you as her Personal ATM.

I know what you mean, but really she is the one who should be embarrassed.

It's one thing to drop someone from a wedding (which is very rude in itself), but to just fade away is unforgivably rude.

I suppose it comes down to whether you think asking her outright would stop you from perhaps being sucked in again after the wedding (or when she wants to borrow more money).

She only invited you to get the loan.
And when it didn't go her way she dropped you.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

I don't know about you, @Mls1984btc , but in the social circles in wot I move, this would never, EVER be an appropriate ask of one's friends.

Are you a minor royal? An heiress? Filthy, stinking rich due to a win on the gee gees? If so, can I have some money?

You need to ask: "Is the wedding still on? Am I still invited? Can I have the details (if so) to arrange my travel?"

The response you get will tell youeverything you need to know - even if it's no response.