To be annoyed at friend for dropping me quietly from her wedding?

[Mls1984btc]

Been a long time high school and uni friend.Sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over the past 20 years.

She got engaged a few months ago. We met up and chatted excitedly about the proposal and wedding. Plus she has also bought a new house. The wedding invite was extended there and then. It will be at a overseas venue. I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of. Despite the fact that I was going through an acrimonious divorce at that time, I was genuinely happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

She was okay about it and did not bring up the subject again.

However, as the wedding approaches, she has stopped mentioning the invitation. I have tried to invite her to a few dinner dates, all of which were turned down by her. I got the vibe that she is trying to avoid me, in hope of me forgetting about the wedding.

I could understand the stress in organising the wedding while holding down a full time job etc but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

Sorry OP but this is no friend. I’m renovating a house and could desperately use a cash injection to get lights working in our house. My best friend of 20 years has just sold her house and now has 100k in the bank. Would I ever ask her for a loan? Honestly, no. Her finances are literally nothing to do with me and I don’t even consider her to be any kind of option for finance.

I feel absolutely pathetic now - was so happy when she told me about the wedding . I was hoping for a good time partying and fun now that divorce is finalised.

I'd be tempted to text her something like

'Hey xxx As I've not heard from you for a while, and not received a formal wedding invite, I am guessing I am no longer invited. To be honest I am really disappointed at the way you have ignored me and I'm sad that you don't value our friendship enough to have an honest conversation about things. Of course I would have helped you where I was able to.

I really hope things are OK with you, and the wedding goes well. Wishing you all best in married life.'

Absolutely hate confrontation. Would rather phasing myself out than asking her outright

You could say what people have suggested, thats not confrontational at all. Eg "Hi X, how are you?- how are the wedding plans coming along? hope you're all ok and not too stressed!" etc

Thats a perfectly polite and non confrontational message to send. If she doesnt reply or is super vague or doesnt answer the question then you have your answer.

No, that's fair enough. But people like that have a way of trying to turn the tables "I thought you weren't interested when you didn't mention it" etc and if you're a people pleaser with a tendancy to take the blame, you can sometimes be vulnerable to that sort of manipulation. Do whatever feels easiest.

I agree- when you have a tendency to people please you then start to doubt yourself and think "but its true, I didnt ask her about the wedding so maybe she thought I didnt want to go!". Obv thats not the case but to eliminate self doubt or tendency to self blame I'd at least check in with her and enquire how it's all going in a friendly, relaxed manner.

Then, there can be zero doubt if she doesnt mention it and she will have put the nail in this friendship coffin.

Aw! My heart hurts for you.

I'm so sorry.

And you're right in that you do deserve more respect than this.
But I'm sorry for how much it stings

Hold up, so she’s gone quiet since you refused the loan? And hasn’t contacted you since? But given the wedding is in 6 weeks, you need to book flights like now? You need to ask her and finalise this issue, whether or not you’re still invited. You currently don’t know!

You need to ask her, it’s embarrassing for her not you.

Unfortunately seems like she was inviting you to the wedding to get the loan and since you can’t loan her the money she doesn’t want/ need you there.

That's exactly what how the inner conversations will go for me!

Now I am seriously considering whether I should send her a how are you text.

I assuming that you know the actual date of the wedding?

So you could just message to say ‘Hey X, hope all good with you? Can you let me know what date you want people to arrive for the wedding? I need to book the flights this week! Let me know if you need a hand with anything x

If she doesn’t reply then yeah she’s dumped you

You need to ask her and finalise this issue, whether or not you’re still invited. You currently don’t know!

Yes, fuck that. I'd be asking her about it. I would not be having her smearing me to all of her friends saying that I wasnt interested in going to her wedding or that I've snubbed her wedding which is what she will say to justify not inviting you!

Dont let her get away with that- she will twist this into you being unreasonable when you arent. Fuck slinking away quietly so people can gossip about how awful you are for not wanting to go to her stupid bloody wedding. Ask her what you should do about flights, you dont have to be confrontational in any shape or form, but ask her. Dont let her get away with painting you as the uncaring friend!

I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of

That's presumably where your loan would've been going.

If she was asking you for a loan maybe she is embarrassed or maybe can't now realises they can't afford the wedding ? I think you did the right thing mixing money and friendship is never a good idea

Now I am seriously considering whether I should send her a how are you text

I really think you should. Literally noone can be offended by a "how are you? how's the wedding planning going- hope you're ok" text can they?

At least then you will know for sure.

Write this ☝️. It's a nice easy message and she can't weasel out then of saying you showed no interest etc. Then you'll know for sure what's going on by how she replies, if she even does

I agree with this - it's not unreasonable for you to ask and hopefully will give you an answer rather than this awful uncertainty.

No I do not. When she told me about the wedding, they have only confirmed the country (his fiancé' choice) and month. They have a few wedding venues to decide.

The few meet-ups scheduled since all have been cancelled by her. She was either ill or working late. Whenever I prompted her about the wedding/ asking her whether she need anything, I always get an okay reply from her.

I really hate confronting her about the decision to drop me. Wedding should be a happy occasion. I do not want this prodding to force her hands into the actual invitation, if she actually has no intention of wanting me there.

In a way I am glad now that I didn't give her the money. Could you imagine how I'd feel if she still drop me while using my money to fund the wedding!

6 weeks to be told the date,
destination and to book transport for a destination wedding is highly unusual 🥴
Do you know anyone else that is going? …. If you do, you have your answer

Also asking mates for money is just not on - I have mates that are absolutely minted; I would NEVER ask them for a loan EVER! We never even talk about money
This is not a friend OP.
You’ve enough of your own shit going on without this leach.
Book yourself a little break and enjoy yourself 🫶🏻💐

Personally I don't think it's appropriate to ask a friend for such a big loan. It's not like she's struggling to pay rent or buy food, she's planning a wedding abroad which is a luxury. She could just save up for longer and have the wedding when she can afford it.

I can't ever imagine asking a friend to lend me so much money, especially when that friend is going through a divorce! I've never had any friend ask me to lend them a significant sum of money either. Unless someone is really struggling to find other options I just don't think it's appropriate.

If a friend had a big unexpected bill they needed to pay I would help them out (although I've never had a friend ask me). But for a wedding, which is a planned event that can be postponed, that to me is a weird thing to ask.

The OP said up the thread that the wedding is 'still 1.5 months away'. Assuming this isn't a typo for 15 months, the invitations will have gone out long since. There's no uncertainty.

It is indeed 1.5 months, i.e. 6 weeks. Hence the post asking aibu.

I think 6 weeks is not long enough to ensure you're there so she's not keen for you to attend.

I think the dinner buying dynamic is way off. I've two separate friende who used to buy me dinner when I was a student. I practically wrestle them to the ground now to pay the bill, every single chance I get. I've paid them both back many times over and am still grateful because we can all afford nice things now but at the time it was such a welcome treat.

This person is a user. You sound lovely and deserve far better.

Dump her.

but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

To answer your direct AIBU, no you're not at all unreasonable to take from her attitude, behaviour and lack of communication that you are not invited to the wedding.

Even though you don't like conflict at least send her a text. Make a judgement on her reply. And if her reply brings the loan into it, tell her that you don't have to buy your friends.

I think if you just fade, she'll take it as sulking. A text and a reply will give you a
reason to end it.

Why don't you just message saying hi and how's the wedding plans going and it's getting near and you're ready to book your flights and ask for the details of airport etc

With 6 weeks to go it does seem a bit mad that she hasn't given you any details, most weddings abroad give ample notice to allow everyone to save and book.