To be annoyed at friend for dropping me quietly from her wedding?

[Mls1984btc]

Been a long time high school and uni friend.Sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over the past 20 years.

She got engaged a few months ago. We met up and chatted excitedly about the proposal and wedding. Plus she has also bought a new house. The wedding invite was extended there and then. It will be at a overseas venue. I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of. Despite the fact that I was going through an acrimonious divorce at that time, I was genuinely happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

She was okay about it and did not bring up the subject again.

However, as the wedding approaches, she has stopped mentioning the invitation. I have tried to invite her to a few dinner dates, all of which were turned down by her. I got the vibe that she is trying to avoid me, in hope of me forgetting about the wedding.

I could understand the stress in organising the wedding while holding down a full time job etc but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

There's no drama. I will quietly removed myself from her life now. Had enough of people taking from me.

You’re not invited

If you were, she would be chasing you for confirmation given how she’s paying for your accommodation and place at the party

just leave it. she’s rude to not have been honest

You can face with equanimity lending a sporadic friend a few thousand pounds? I think she is milking you and the invite was a pretext for a loan. Sorry.

yep, agree with this.

take the bull by the horns by sending her a message asap saying thanks for the verbal invitation but you are no longer able to attend the wedding, wishing her a lovely time, catch up when she gets back from honeymoon etc. That way you know what you're doing and she knows you're not expecting an invite.

You have the upper hand 😁

no way i am sending that text.

This is not a competition to see who got one over the other. She has treated me appalling and judging by the messages we exchanged over the years, I have always been the one subsidising the 'friendship'. No skin off her if I decided to cut contact and quite frankly, I wouldn't like to keep in touch with her as well after this wake up thread.

Feeling very blue now with people constantly being such disappointment in my life. I am always there for them when they need me but the effort is never reciprocated.

Friends/Money 1:01

if anyone is ever in the position to lend a friend - or anyone for that matter - money, always always have a loan agreement drawn up by a solicitor so that when / if it goes pear shaped you have protection. If the borrower always intends to pay the money back then they won't have a problem signing. If the borrower thinks they'll get away with borrowing money and not paying it back they are unlikely to want to sign anything binding them to a payment agreement.

You can also refer said borrower to a pawn shop to borrow against their engagement ring / car / designer bag etc.

The above is from the 'sucking eggs' bible.

I’d say just don’t loan money! Ends in tears.

Feeling very blue now with people constantly being such disappointment in my life. I am always there for them when they need me but the effort is never reciprocated

I'm so sorry you feel down OP but this doesnt have to be a disaster- use this as a stepping point to change some of the things you arent happy about- people pleasing being one. This could be a fantastic pivotal moment for you if you let it. Excellent book recommendation for you is "Not nice" by Aziz Gazipura, it's about how to stop people pleasing, the psychology of its effects on us and others and why we do it.

Its always hurtful to feel let down by friends but its very, very common sadly and it happens to all of us at some point, its certainly happened to me too - its a reflection on them, not you. You sound lovely.

You absolutely have a choice here- you can dwell on how badly you've been treated or you can decide that from now on things are going to change and that going forward you are going to cultivate better, more genuine friendships. At least now you know where you stand with her and you can move on. Chin up- and remember that not everyone is like her, there are good friends out there, but you have to get rid of the bad ones to make space for the good ones.

Don’t feel sad OP, feel relieved and liberated.
You sound lovely and other friends will be worthy of your loyalty and friendship on an equal footing. 💐

I agree with @FFSWherearemyglasses .

You have found the strength to divorce your Ex, against others’ expectations. You will come through this a bit sadder, a lot wiser and ready to enjoy life with your real friends, and those you have still to meet.
💐for you.

Did she explain why you being pregnant was an issue? What a crappy friend, how sad for you!

Thanks everyone for the kind responses. I was expecting a typical MN aibu response 😅 but really grateful for the guidance and advice.

@silentassassin Not Nice bought. I have come a long way. After much soul searching I realise that the issue has always been I put myself in other people's shoes constantly. Always try to anticipate how other's will feel over own needs and wants.

Life experience is trying to harden me up but I still believe in the goodness of people - just not as many chances now. Need to protect my soft heart.

Feeling very blue now with people constantly being such disappointment in my life. I am always there for them when they need me but the effort is never reciprocated.

You know its them and not you? Be happy for being you.

Please don't lend them money, but do offer to help with your own costs if you want to go to the wedding.
'Hi friend, didn't get any confirmation of wedding details, is it all going OK? Should I book anything, I can pay my own way if that helps? '

If they want you for you and not your money the response will be positive, otherwise forget it and move on. If you decide in a few months to renew the friendship consider how to stay friends whilst giving the DH a wide berth..

Friend may well need a friend in a few years, it doesn't have to be you.

I once got a save the date but an actual invite never materialised. A bit awkward but I guess things changed. We were not close but it felt like a “invite the friendship group” situation.

If you want to go to the wedding then ask her outright about the plans & explain it's because you need to start thinking about booking your flight etc. Confirm that she's still paying for your accommodation but stress that if it's a problem you'll be happy to pay it yourself. If she's a good friend you should be able to have these kind of conversations without either of you feeling awkward. If she just wants you as a friend to borrow money then you'll soon know how she really feels once you've asked her about the plans.

It's pretty obvious from the OP's updates that she has not been invited.

I think asking at this point would result in embarrassment all round.

Believe me when I say I'm not desperate to. Not only the thought of multiple flight changeovers is stressing me out, but going it solo has also amplified my loneliness- everyone will have someone with them at the wedding.

I want to be there to share the joy and happiness with her. For me that's important.

You must know the old saying regarding friends.. 'neither a lender nor a borrower be'

It's so true.

One of my long distance friends asked me to be a guarantor for a 10k loan and I said no as my finances weren't great also something seemed off... as it turned out I was right to refuse thank god - she was so in debt she went bankrupt!!

Dodged a bullet there, OP. The divorce solicitors/court would be well pissed off if you were lending money with no security before the financial settlement is finalised. Could look like trying to hide assets.

I'm so sorry you've had to realiseyour friend doesn't really think that much of you, that must be hard 😢

That's the main reason why I cannot loan her the money.

Again, feeling and effort not reciprocated. I have obviously overestimated my position in her life. Oh well.

Sorry, I didn't make it clear it was a criticism of her. Of course you can't lend her money during financial settlement discussions!

She's unkind as well as a bit thick.

Wish I knew you IRL you sound lovely and a great friend. Do not beat yourself up some people are just selfish arseholes. Keep being you.