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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at friend for dropping me quietly from her wedding?

224 replies

Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 14:53

Been a long time high school and uni friend.Sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over the past 20 years.

She got engaged a few months ago. We met up and chatted excitedly about the proposal and wedding. Plus she has also bought a new house. The wedding invite was extended there and then. It will be at a overseas venue. I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of. Despite the fact that I was going through an acrimonious divorce at that time, I was genuinely happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

She was okay about it and did not bring up the subject again.

However, as the wedding approaches, she has stopped mentioning the invitation. I have tried to invite her to a few dinner dates, all of which were turned down by her. I got the vibe that she is trying to avoid me, in hope of me forgetting about the wedding.

I could understand the stress in organising the wedding while holding down a full time job etc but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

OP posts:
Allthehorsesintheworld · 28/07/2024 19:51

If you suspect the loan is the idea of her fiancé then avoid like the plague.
Leave her to come to you, with a wedding invitation or not, but it sounds a very fishy set up.

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 19:54

Allthehorsesintheworld · 28/07/2024 19:51

If you suspect the loan is the idea of her fiancé then avoid like the plague.
Leave her to come to you, with a wedding invitation or not, but it sounds a very fishy set up.

Yes I dislike her fiancé - find him a calculated man. That's why I think the whole idea of approaching me for a loan is initiated by him.

OP posts:
PlanningTowns · 28/07/2024 20:07

this can be easily solved with a simple text of ‘Hi x, wedding is fast approaching and from our previous conversations you had invited me to come. It’s only 6 weeks away and I need to get on and book my flights! Any chance you could send the details over?’

if she is a long term friend who feels happy to ask you for a loan, and you would have been happy to do so if the circumstances were different, I really don’t understand how you don’t feel you can ask!

VirginiaGirl · 28/07/2024 20:07

It difficult to say when we don’t know her but you do. Do you know for certain the wedding is still going ahead? Or perhaps has been scaled down? Could she in a controlling relationship?

If this were my oldest friend who I know to be a decent person, I would be there for her, even if at the moment she is (for some reason) not able to be a good friend.

You definitely did the right thing regarding the loan, regardless of anything else. They can marry without the need to borrow money from a friend.

I’d probably message to ask how she is and how the wedding plans are going but I wouldn't ask to meet up. Just hang back and see what happens.

Pebbles16 · 28/07/2024 20:11

PlanningTowns · 28/07/2024 20:07

this can be easily solved with a simple text of ‘Hi x, wedding is fast approaching and from our previous conversations you had invited me to come. It’s only 6 weeks away and I need to get on and book my flights! Any chance you could send the details over?’

if she is a long term friend who feels happy to ask you for a loan, and you would have been happy to do so if the circumstances were different, I really don’t understand how you don’t feel you can ask!

This is a good idea but, sadly, I think your friend is using you.
So sorry OP, it's hard to realise a friend is using you.
Please do not loan her money. You will never get it back. This situation is already going to cause resentment. Resentment without losing £ is marginally better

WalksInTheSunshine · 28/07/2024 20:20

She has no sense of monetary responsibility -hasn’t treated you to meals or paid for her share - so why would she suddenly change now?
She sees you as someone who indulges her yet friendship should benefit all parties.
I suspect she hasn’t met you recently to avoid discussing your wedding invitation.
Sorry, OP. Chalk her up to experience and move on.

Kitkat1523 · 28/07/2024 20:33

You might be her friend but she is not yours….she’s using you….she doesn’t give a shit about you….drop her

Wonmoretime · 28/07/2024 20:36

I’ve not read all the posts but do you think it’s possible that she’s realised that the big all expenses paid holiday was out of her budget, especially if she needed to borrow to fund it. Could it be that she’s not going ahead with such a big wedding and is too embarrassed to tell you

buildersteacup · 28/07/2024 20:37

Wallcreeper · 28/07/2024 19:28

The OP said up the thread that the wedding is 'still 1.5 months away'. Assuming this isn't a typo for 15 months, the invitations will have gone out long since. There's no uncertainty.

Show quote history

This is probably very true but I think I would still want to reach out for my own peace of mind that I had done everything I could. It also forces her to either ignore you or tell you to your face you arent invited.

I dont see why OP should just fade away quietly letting her get away with it. If she finds it awkward to reply then good- maybe it will highlight to her just how awfully she has treated the OP. Sure, she might not care but she cannot then make out to anyone else that OP wasnt interested in her wedding and she comes out of this looking like the total arsehole she is.

Schnauzer21 · 28/07/2024 20:49

I would ask her upfront about the wedding. She wont mind if she’s a good friend?

TizerorFizz · 28/07/2024 20:52

Why, as a potential guest, do you need peace of mind? There is no invitation. Probably no flights available either at a reasonable price. Usually when I’ve not heard from someone, I take the hint. It’s not a friendship going anywhere. So save your dignity and keep quiet.

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 20:53

Wonmoretime · 28/07/2024 20:36

I’ve not read all the posts but do you think it’s possible that she’s realised that the big all expenses paid holiday was out of her budget, especially if she needed to borrow to fund it. Could it be that she’s not going ahead with such a big wedding and is too embarrassed to tell you

She would have let me know if such difficulties arise.

I think the most probable scenario - she has either invite more than she should or due to family pressure more friends of her parents need to be invited and decided to drop me instead.

I would have been fine if she just be upfront with me. The upsetting part is that she doesn't deemed me relevant enough to have at least inform me.

OP posts:
Allthehorsesintheworld · 28/07/2024 21:22

Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 19:54

Yes I dislike her fiancé - find him a calculated man. That's why I think the whole idea of approaching me for a loan is initiated by him.

Show quote history

Trust your instincts. You did the right thing not loaning her money.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 28/07/2024 21:27

Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 20:53

She would have let me know if such difficulties arise.

I think the most probable scenario - she has either invite more than she should or due to family pressure more friends of her parents need to be invited and decided to drop me instead.

I would have been fine if she just be upfront with me. The upsetting part is that she doesn't deemed me relevant enough to have at least inform me.

Show quote history

But why not just ask her?!

You have no idea what date the wedding is apart from a month? How are you supposed to book holiday from work at such short notice?

All you have to ask is what date the wedding is as you need to book the flight?

RampantIvy · 28/07/2024 21:42

If the wedding is only 6 weeks away and you haven't had an invitation it is pretty obvious that you aren't invited. I'm sorry she has treated you so shabbily.

pocketaces · 28/07/2024 21:44

Possible (albeit unlikely) that your invite got lost in post. But then as you didn't rsvp she would have chased you, especially as she is taking care of accommodation etc

So it's obvious you're not invited. Noone gets a wedding invite just verbally. Sadly the invite was too butter you up for the loan. Weekend you said no you were deselected. But to drop you by silence is shocking

I'd just text to say you haven't heard from her in a while and is she still getting married. Then see what she says

Gymnopedie · 28/07/2024 22:33

I think the most probable scenario - she has either invite more than she should or due to family pressure more friends of her parents need to be invited and decided to drop me instead.

OP you might not like conflict, but now you're too far the other way finding excuses for her, possible reasons why she hasn't invited you that are not her fault or doing.

I think you'll end up doing what you said in your OP - after the wedding act like nothing happened. That's if she hasn't completely ghosted you by then. I have a feeling this is probably final, or will be.

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 23:06

Gymnopedie · 28/07/2024 22:33

I think the most probable scenario - she has either invite more than she should or due to family pressure more friends of her parents need to be invited and decided to drop me instead.

OP you might not like conflict, but now you're too far the other way finding excuses for her, possible reasons why she hasn't invited you that are not her fault or doing.

I think you'll end up doing what you said in your OP - after the wedding act like nothing happened. That's if she hasn't completely ghosted you by then. I have a feeling this is probably final, or will be.

I will most certainly NOT act as if nothing happened if she decided to reach out after the wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 23:07

Thanks everyone I will sleep on this tonight and decide whether to text her tomorrow.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 28/07/2024 23:30

Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 23:06

I will most certainly NOT act as if nothing happened if she decided to reach out after the wedding.

Show quote history

Not what you said in an earlier post:

Knowing her, she will claims ignorance and knowing me, I will just move on and continue being a part of her life.

Original poster
Mls1984btc · 28/07/2024 23:38

Gymnopedie · 28/07/2024 23:30

Not what you said in an earlier post:

Knowing her, she will claims ignorance and knowing me, I will just move on and continue being a part of her life.

Show quote history

that's before I decided to ask a bunch of strangers who do not know me personally what do they think.

I have had enough of people disregarding and disrespecting my feeling. Case in point my ex- husband and his family. They were so surprised at me for divorcing my ex as they thought I never had it in me.

OP posts:
rosierosierosie · 29/07/2024 19:26

I wouldn’t text her, it’s on her to let you know what’s happening, it’s not your job to chase her. If it all goes ahead without you getting an invite, you know exactly what type of friend she is.

Absolutely appalling behaviour to plan an extravagant destination wedding and ask you for a loan, they should scale it back if they can’t afford it.

If you do end up maintaining a friendship with her, never lend her any money and never pay for her meals again.

tommyhoundmum · 29/07/2024 19:59

I wonder why it should matter if a bank loan shows up on her credit history

BagelandEggs · 29/07/2024 20:18

It sounds like this is the perfect time for a step back from people who take you fro granted - ex, his family and this friend! Good luck with the divorce and onwards and upwards! 😘

Teenagehorrorbag · 29/07/2024 20:38

I would message and just say - "haven't had an invite. If I am no longer invited please let me know so I can cancel the time off work that I had booked. Cheers"

Why all the drama?