To be annoyed at friend for dropping me quietly from her wedding?

[Mls1984btc]

Been a long time high school and uni friend.Sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over the past 20 years.

She got engaged a few months ago. We met up and chatted excitedly about the proposal and wedding. Plus she has also bought a new house. The wedding invite was extended there and then. It will be at a overseas venue. I just have to pay the travel costs, everything else will be taken care of. Despite the fact that I was going through an acrimonious divorce at that time, I was genuinely happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.

During the conversation, she mentioned about potential money shortages and tentatively asking me for a loan. Is not much (a few ks) which in normal circumstances I would have been happy to obliged but as I was going through financial remedy with my ex husband, the uncertainty has caused me to say no to the request.

She was okay about it and did not bring up the subject again.

However, as the wedding approaches, she has stopped mentioning the invitation. I have tried to invite her to a few dinner dates, all of which were turned down by her. I got the vibe that she is trying to avoid me, in hope of me forgetting about the wedding.

I could understand the stress in organising the wedding while holding down a full time job etc but aibu to feel that she is trying to disinvite me to the wedding, quietly?

I would have no time for this shit

She asked you to PAY for her wedding?

And now you're annoyed cos she's uninvited you?

With regard to the loan, she is keen to get it from me as it will be of a lower percentage (not sure what) than what the bank will charge. Plus that will also show up on her credit history.

^

She's not daft, I'll give her that

Wrip the plaster off, just ask her what's going on with the wedding as you need to know about booking travel. If she doesn't answer then don't waste your time even thinking about her anymore.

It is her loss.

It started off when I was earning and she was still a student. Then the pattern continues - either I paid for my own or for both. She has never paid for mine.

I am not going to contact her unless she initiate the conversation with 'right please book the flight on this date and prepare etc' - i.e continue the wedding conversation.

I really do not think that she is cheeky. That has always been our friendship dynamic for 20 years. She has never asked me for a loan, ever.

However, I am also aware that she has no qualms dropping me from the invitation (I think, wedding is still 1.5 months away) for whatever reasons, without any explanation to me, then ask for forgiveness when she likes to me.

I certainly would not be loaning a friend any money - perhaps she has realised her budget is blown and to save face she is trying to borrow money. Only time will tell if you've been left off the invite list, but honestly I'd see that as a blessing. Certainly don't lend to her!

Could you just ask her outright if you're still invited to the wedding, so that you know whether or not to continue saving the date / booking travel etc. That seems a pretty reasonable question.

She did not asked me to pay for her wedding. It is going to be a loan. I have no doubt that she will pay me back.

she hasn’t uninvited you, though, has she?
if you only have a verbal invitation though- I find that odd and flaky.
not being able to meet up doesn’t equal an uninvite- but I’d have to confirm with her the wedding details.

if it’s in 1.5 months and you still don’t have a location or specific date, I wonder if it’s really happening. Sounds odd.

I would call her and ask. What have you got to lose?

I am not loaded. It is going to be a loan, of which I am going to get back within a few months after the wedding.

If I got it why not? She is a long time friend. Unfortunately my finance is under scrutiny at the moment so loaning any money is out of question.

Are you sure you aren't invited? It sounds like all agreed, maybe she doesn't think formal invite required.

I would check in with her and ask, it would be awful if it is a misunderstanding and you don't go.

The silly part of my find it embarrassing that I need to contact the person, who I thought is my friend, that I've been dropped.

I am not sure if I have been uninvited.

Her recent actions has caused me to have doubts with the invitation though. And whether that is contingent upon the loan.

Can you not just drop her a text saying something like 'hi, I'm just organising my flights for the wedding, just before I book can you confirm x, y and z.'

Then she either has to come back with confirmation of your invite or make some excuse why you aren't invited anymore.

The silly part of my find it embarrassing that I need to contact the person, who I thought is my friend, that I've been dropped.

I would want to contact her and ask her the direct question. I'd want to know rather than see what happens.

You can trace the cooling off back to not giving her a loan. I'm afraid that while you think of her as a good friend, she does possibly think of you as an ATM.

I wouldn't take her verbally asking you as an actual invitation, I would always wait for a formal one.
However, I do think she is likely ignoring you due to you refusing to loan her money, which is completely reasonable (of you), and makes her seem like a user.

Invites have probably gone out by now! It’s only a few weeks away and flights will be expensive. Anyone buying them has probably got them so there is a very high chance you have been dropped. I would drop her a text asking straight out if wedding plans have changed and are you still invited as you need to book leave. But trust me you’re not!

I’m sorry OP but she’s a CF. Why doesn’t she ever treat you to dinner? Just because you pays for her when she was a skint student doesn’t mean that’s a precedent set. Must friends would say ‘you’ve paid for me enough times it’s my turn’

And I don’t think it’s normal or reasonable to be having an expensive wedding and asking a friend for a loan.

I think you want to cling to this friendship so have convinced yourself her behaviour is ok when it’s really not.

I actually think it's quite common for people to withdraw from certain people once they've done their guest list and sums and realised they can't afford to invite those people. So they avoid socialising with them because they don't want the awkwardness

Sadly I think that's what going to happen to me 😔

You're being quite generous to your friend to think that she's not at all after what you can do for her financially if you've been subbing her for meals all this time

She knows I am pretty flexible when it comes to taking time off work and family commitments so I will not be surprised if I got a text from her less than 2 weeks away for the time and date if the wedding is in this country.

Do not want to be outing but the country she picked to be the wedding venue will involves multiple changeovers so she knew that I do need to book the flight now.

if I am still invited of course.

Aaaah come on, OP. People do not wait to give details of overseas weddings until a few weeks beforehand if they want the guest in question to attend.

OP, this sounds a bit silly all round. Yes, you've known her for years, but you say it's been 'sporadic meet-ups and chats on the phone over 20 years', then you meet at the new house she's just bought, chat about her engagement, and she invites you to her overseas wedding, stressing that you only have to pay your travel costs, you will be taken care of for everything else while you're there -- and in the same conversation in her brand-new house, where she invites you to her overseas wedding, she mentions money shortages and asks you for a loan. Which you not unreasonably refuse. If money is an issue, she can get married far more cheaply locally.

And now you're surprised that she can't afford to invite you to the wedding and is quietly dropping you?

She sounds chaotic and a bit dim.

And this.