Do I tell the children yet?

[LemonWater222]

Today we found out that my DH has a bowel tumour, 99% chance it is cancer.

We have two DC 18 and 22 who have been through quite a lot the last few years.
I had a breakdown last year which resulted in 2month hospital stay.

Our DS is at uni, he really struggled last year ( for obvious reasons) and is trying to let him repeat it (year 2 of uni.)

DD due to go on holiday next week, she absolutely adores her dad.

They will have to be told at some time, because DH will have to undergo chemotherapy/ radiotherapy.

I think we should definitely tell DD after her holiday. DS is due to do some retakes in Aug, he is supposed to email his uni tomorrow to explain why he can't and why he feels they should let him repeat the last year. We are also waiting for an appointment for a ADHD assessment for him.

DS suffers from anxiety and depression, but not sure if we should tell him so he can let uni know?

DD is a very happy go lucky girl, she is due to start uni in Sept. But as I said she adores her dad.

Should we tell them together? Just tell DS so he can let uni know?

They are really close to each other, in fact they are away together for a night, which is a relief as me and DH are quite shellshocked at the moment.

Just don't know what to do for the best? They are both going to be devastated.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I’d want to be told either with my sibling, or on the same day. Like you said, they will be devastated and don’t need any other feelings about favouritism or anything arising out of how you handle it. Unfortunately there is no good time to hear this news.

I would probably wait until you know for sure it is cancer and know what the treatment plan is etc.

Tell them together but not yet, not until you know more.
Very unfair to tell one and not the other and could drive a wedge between them.

This is such a horrible situation
Tell them both now
your DS can get support from uni

I would let them know he is having surgery to remove a suspect growth in his colon, but not say anything about the likelihood of it being cancerous until they have removed it and you have a better idea what you are dealing with. Really sorry you are having to deal with this.

Sorry this sounds so stressful but I would 100% confirm and know the treatment plans before telling my similar aged DS.

And tell them together.

I'd want to be able to answer the questions, what's the treatment, prognosis, outcomes etc so you can take time to digest this as a couple and then have answers for them.

Wait until you have all the facts, including prognosis, type of treatment, duration etc. Then you can have a proper conversation and answer their questions.

I am so sorry you are going through this 💐

What’s the treatment plan from today?

I wouldn’t tell them anything yet, as you don’t really know anything yet. I’d wait until there was a diagnosis and a plan in place.

I wouldn't tell them anything until you know, for certain, if he even has cancer and what the plan for treatment will be.

I agree with this, it will also give both of you time to come to terms with it too.

It's such a shock to hear, I hope your husband overcomes this.

Thank you all for your replies. They are almost certain it is cancer. Definitely 1 but possibly another tumour further up the colon.
We were assigned a cancer nurse today.

They are having a meeting next Friday to discuss his case and action required. He also needs to have chest scans.
I so want to protect them, I know they will both struggle.

DH best friend died 10years ago from bowel cancer and it was horrific.

I understand because of your husband's friend's experience you are terrified of the worst case scenario, but I hope the medical staff explained that outcomes are often good?

Tell them. Now. They will want to know. (My parents decided not to tell me my mum had a heart attack because they thought it would worry me.)

Personally I would tell them now. I think it’s best if they know and you can all support each other from the off. I assume the 18 year old at least is at home so will have probably picked up on something being off anyway.

my view with these things is honesty is the best policy.

My MIL withheld her first breast cancer diagnosis from her adult children, telling them over a year later. Being completely honest my DH said it did severe damage to their relationship.

I personally think it’s better to tell them.

I wouldn’t tell them until you’ve had it confirmed and if it is cancer, you have a treatment plan. That way you can tell them that there is a plan rather than everything is up in the air.

Wait for a complete diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment plans. You don't have anything to tell them now except "what if".

They are aware there is a problem because DH had a hospital stay last week for an infection.
They said he had a Abscess on the bowel, that's how they found it.

But should we wait until after DD holiday?

Tell them now while they both have plenty of time to process it before September. Knowing before a holiday is absolutely fine.

It will be hard for them, but I'd tell them everything you know as soon as you know it. They are nearly adults; don't try to think for them. Otherwise, they'll always be remembering: I was just sitting in lessons when ...

Encourage them to complete short term plans since there is treatment to come but let them know so they can consider other plans with all the info.

I have a range of friends across all walks of life who would have liked to be told sooner rather than later. Trying to second guess what your DC will feel is kind but is only guessing. More than one friend has said that if s/he'd only known ...

When my DH died, I went straight to the schools to pick up my DDs. They both said that if they'd come home and found out they'd just been in school all day, not knowing, it would have cut them to the core.

I would wait until you have a confirmed diagnosis and treatment plan and then tell them together as quickly as possible. I think it will be easier to be positive about the outcome then.

I personally wouldn't tell them until you know for sure and have all the details and options

My sister had bowel cancer and her treatment plan changed a couple of times they said they'd remove the tumour and then they changed to we will do radiotherapy first and then they didn't do radiotherapy they changed it again.

Honestly it was horrible getting all prepared for her to have an operation and then having it change it was very stressful not knowing what was going on.... I think maybe wait till there is a plan in place and tell them then.

So sorry your going through this. Hopefully they have caught it early and he will make a full recovery.

They reckon my sisters tumour was growing for ten years and it was pretty big. It was a long hard road but it's been 7 years and she's fine now.

Has he had biopsy samples taken?

Can you do this without the delay risking DS uni appeal/outcome re repeating a year? If so I'd do that, that way yoj can tell them together. they have each other around and you will have the result of the meeting next Friday with treatment plans etc so you have something concrete to lean on. I'm assuming she's only going for a week or so not a month!