Do I tell the children yet?

[LemonWater222]

Today we found out that my DH has a bowel tumour, 99% chance it is cancer.

We have two DC 18 and 22 who have been through quite a lot the last few years.
I had a breakdown last year which resulted in 2month hospital stay.

Our DS is at uni, he really struggled last year ( for obvious reasons) and is trying to let him repeat it (year 2 of uni.)

DD due to go on holiday next week, she absolutely adores her dad.

They will have to be told at some time, because DH will have to undergo chemotherapy/ radiotherapy.

I think we should definitely tell DD after her holiday. DS is due to do some retakes in Aug, he is supposed to email his uni tomorrow to explain why he can't and why he feels they should let him repeat the last year. We are also waiting for an appointment for a ADHD assessment for him.

DS suffers from anxiety and depression, but not sure if we should tell him so he can let uni know?

DD is a very happy go lucky girl, she is due to start uni in Sept. But as I said she adores her dad.

Should we tell them together? Just tell DS so he can let uni know?

They are really close to each other, in fact they are away together for a night, which is a relief as me and DH are quite shellshocked at the moment.

Just don't know what to do for the best? They are both going to be devastated.

There’s different types of stoma. If the tumour is near his anal canal, he may need a permanent stoma.

If the stoma is to allow his bowel to cope with the radiotherapy, it may be temporary (aka a defunctioning colostomy).

There’s so much to take in - diagnosis itself, radiotherapy, chemo, surgery - good idea to talk to cancer charities as it’s almost impossible to remember everything the consultant tells you.

That’s a great place to start with a call to the Macmillan support line-Macmillan often gets a bad rap on MN but it’s generally because there’s a huge amount of confusion about what as a charity they actually can do.

When things are as overwhelming and as uncertain as they are right now, it can be useful for you and DH to set one or two goals each day. That might be phoning Macmillan today, and then maybe getting out of the house for a walk and a coffee later.

Tomorrow’s goal could be having a look together at the Bowel Cancer UK website.

Then Mondays goal is to phone the hospital team to arrange another chat through the plan and discuss whether a second opinion is going to be worth considering.

Hope DS is ok. You’re doing ok. Take this one day at a time.

I saw your question about a second opinion. I should preface by saying I live in Australia so I can’t advise about dealing with NHS.

However I have had bowel cancer with a tumour a similar size to your DH’s. My treatment was surgery first, then 3 months chemo. No radiotherapy or stoma. The bowel is a very large organ so a lot depends on where the tumour is located. Mine was on the transverse colon which is less common than the descending colon. And also whether the cancer has spread to surrounding lymph nodes which can’t be determined until they are surgically removed and tested by pathology. In my case I had dozens of enlarged lymph nodes that were all removed and tested but only one node had malignant cells - hence the chemo. The rest were just inflamed as an immune response.

There is a well known radio presenter here who just recently was days away from having life altering surgery for cancer of the oesophagus. Someone suggested a second opinion and he’s now had a much less invasive treatment. He was being treated at one of the biggest teaching hospitals in Australia but another hospital is trialling a new approach.

We also have MDTs in Australia that review every case but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other doctors and hospitals doing things differently. I would support your DH in seeking a second opinion so that he feels confident in the path ahead. Treatment for bowel cancer can be arduous and feeling positive about it is definitely helpful. I was treated at a cancer hospital and I took comfort in knowing all the staff were specialists in cancer.

Best wishes for everything ahead, I hope your DS is doing ok.