Do I tell the children yet?

[LemonWater222]

Today we found out that my DH has a bowel tumour, 99% chance it is cancer.

We have two DC 18 and 22 who have been through quite a lot the last few years.
I had a breakdown last year which resulted in 2month hospital stay.

Our DS is at uni, he really struggled last year ( for obvious reasons) and is trying to let him repeat it (year 2 of uni.)

DD due to go on holiday next week, she absolutely adores her dad.

They will have to be told at some time, because DH will have to undergo chemotherapy/ radiotherapy.

I think we should definitely tell DD after her holiday. DS is due to do some retakes in Aug, he is supposed to email his uni tomorrow to explain why he can't and why he feels they should let him repeat the last year. We are also waiting for an appointment for a ADHD assessment for him.

DS suffers from anxiety and depression, but not sure if we should tell him so he can let uni know?

DD is a very happy go lucky girl, she is due to start uni in Sept. But as I said she adores her dad.

Should we tell them together? Just tell DS so he can let uni know?

They are really close to each other, in fact they are away together for a night, which is a relief as me and DH are quite shellshocked at the moment.

Just don't know what to do for the best? They are both going to be devastated.

Wait til a definite diagnosis and treatment plan. Your child could get adhd diagnosis through uni. Mine did. And may not need to repeat year. They are now adults even though they don't seem to be. Just be gentle and worry about your dh first.

I'm so sorry you are both facing this. I wish your husband every strength to get through this.
I am awaiting biopsy results and have an appointment to discuss them next week. My kids are much younger though (eldest is 11). She asked why they were doing biopsies? And asked if i had cancer.
She obviously had some understanding.
I was honest and told her that is why they have done the biopsies so they can say 100% it isn't cancer. Rather than word it they are doing them because they think it might be. (By the way it is my thyroid and cervical lymph nodes so it was obvious I had them done)
I would maybe sit tight until results, grading etc and a treatment plan is in place so you're able to answer any questions they might have rather than panicking and spiralling. It will give you and them some control over it and it will be good to say 'OK this is happening. It is absolutely horrid BUT the Dr's are confident with x, y and z it will be treatable. Treatment starts next month ' etc.
Sending lots of love to you all

As I said last night, I would tell them.

Also, to be cynical, this will strengthen your DS's case to repeat the year so he needs to know so he can include it on the paperwork.

Thank you all x

Sorry, I have one more question if anyone can help?

We do have private health insurance but are both big advocates of the NHS. So far they have been amazing and very quick.

Im not sure of the pros/cons of going private?
The insurance is through DH company, but we own it so will be responsible if the premiums skyrocket.

If the insurance policy covers it, use it. The consultant you see in the NHS may have a private practice which means he can still have continuity of care and move between systems if needed. It will speed things up meaning you can manage your kids better as you’ll have full info sooner - but it will also mean that DH is treated (or have his mind put at ease) sooner.

Private health care gave my DH’s best friend an extra 2 years but it has also meant a timely intervention and a saved life for a few other friends.

If you can manage it, stick with private. You may wish to speak to your provider about coverage and premiums increasing. If the business has many employees it might not be as effected, you'll likely see that increase if it's say 5 employees. Ask questions, they'll do their best to answer and you can be prepared. Also worth discussing how long those premiums increase for- e.g. length of treatment, effected by prognosis etc.

The pros are speed of being seen, test turn around and ops/treatments being sooner. It's unlikely the actual level of care he'll receive will be different to NHS but certainly speed will be on your side.

Cons are cost, but also you may find it difficult to have continuity of care with NHS care. They're not allowed to discriminate or force you back into private healthcare but personally I have found issues when going between private and health- this is solved with complaints but a long process. If you can afford and can get full private care, stick with it.

If he's already treated/investigated with NHS, speak to his consultant re: private care- they'll be able to advise.

The NHS have an incredible approach to cancer and very serious conditions and will do their absolute best, so please don't be afraid of choosing them based on cost.

I would advise telling your children as soon as possible. This will likely effect your DS going to uni anyway, so best to prepare him for that too. If he is too mentally unwell to attend come september then he needs to get things in line.

A holiday for your DD will likely be a good distraction and opportunity to process things. Worst that happens is she doesn't feel like going, there will be more holidays and I'm sure she'll do what's right.

It's best to know he's under investigation so they're prepared if it is what they think. I say this from experience.

I send you my absolute best wishes and hope for a 'good' diagnosis and treatment. It's utter agony to wait, please do not hesitate to use those fabulous resources like Macmillan. And we're here too, for rants, advice, shoulders to cry on.

I second all of this.

Try and hang fire telling them just yet until you know more info and your DD is back from holiday. I think your DS has enough info for Uni without needing to know about his dads health scare just yet. In a month you will know a lot more and will be in a better position to answer questions. If it turns out to be bowel cancer they should have a helpline and they maybe able to advise you about the best way and what to tell your DC. Sorry you are going through this but the prognosis might not be quite as bad as you are thinking just now.

I really hope everything goes well for your husband, use the private insurance it’s what you have it for, if it makes this any faster or easier for you sending lots of love x

My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer just before I got my A level results. My parents told me and my sister (who was waiting on GCSE results) together as soon as they knew. It was difficult, but I was able to change my uni options to be a home student. I was incredibly close with my dad and so glad I was able to spend the last two years of his life with him. Going away to uni was the wrong option for me with the new information I was told. Give your kids the chance to take stock and decide what they want to do with that info for their lives

Sorry to hear this. The MacMillan Cancer Support site has a forum where people share similar stories and offer advice.

I’m in a similar situation. Hubby has suspected leukaemia. Hospital has been on at him for the last few months for they need a bone marrow biopsy to confirm. He refuses to have it done due to the nature of the procedure. He’s also decided not to say anything to the kids ( 26,23,19,18) says no point in worrying them cause nothing can be done. He is also against chemo/ radio cause he saw what it did to his late dad and brother,

This definitely

I’m so sorry to hear this, I would probably wait to find out for definite and have more answers to questions they will probably have. Also I would absolutely tell them together.

Sorry about your problem, the good thing about having private health insurance is that your DH will be able to access drugs that are not always available in the NHS due to the cost. I would get the operation/tests done under NHS and use private insurance for other things.

This is not necessarily the case and is very much dependent on whatever treatment is required if a diagnosis is confirmed.

Private healthcare can be useful in expediting some tests and investigations to confirm grade/stage of cancer but there can be issues with treatments such as chemotherapy and radiotherapy, more specifically with the provision of access to 24 hour advice and support during chemotherapy which is essential for early monitoring and assessment of side effects. Many private providers do not provide this support.

If cancer is confirmed and you are deciding whether or not to continue privately, do ask about this aspect of care. You don’t want to be relying on NHS111 or GP out of hours services to assess for things like sepsis.

I would agree with this. In my 20s my dad had a heath scare and then multiple tests to confirm the diagnosis. Us kids were told of each step and prepared for the possible outcomes. Im so glad my parents handled it with honesty and transparency. In the end my dad died 1 year after his diagnosis and I'm glad i got all the time i did with him.

I think you should wait until you know what the tests reveal and have discussed a treatment plan with an oncologist. I was in this situation with breast cancer and didn't tell them until just before I went into hospital. By then I could answer all their questions and had some idea of treatments after surgery. I'm sorry for what you are going through. Try and stay positive. Don't worry about things you can't change, easy said but hard to do. After a cancer diagnosis contact Macmillan, they should have an office at the hospital, they are an amazing source of information and support.

I had cancer, I said nothing to my children until I was certain. In fact I told 2/4 as they still lived at home and I was going in to hospital for an op. Another 1 was on holiday & I told him them when they got back & the other had first year Uni exams on the day of my op, we told them after.

my youngest did their own research into prognosis etc. and became an expert. I chose not to tell anyone else - it is a personal thing it was my personal journey and I wanted to be self contained. That worked well for me. We all approach the journey differently.

I would wait until after your DD's holiday and until your DS knows whether he needs to resit his exams next month. My Dad got diagnosed with bowel cancer when I was 22 and just finishing off my MA. They waited until a few days after I handed in my last assignment to break the news to me. I'm grateful that they held off telling me, as I had a lot going on at that time and would have probably struggled to complete my course.

Tell them as soon as I've seen the fallout from delaying with kids at uni

I would tell them now. It allows them to be supportive of you both in whatever capacity they can. It also means they can get support from their friends and wider circle.
We have recently been through a cancer diagnosis with DM. She let me know as soon as she had been to the GP, and I am so glad I was able to be supportive of her during the all of the testing and waiting periods. She also let my DB and his wife know so it was great that we were all on the same page and there were no secrets and we could put the right kind of support in place.

As someone who lost my Dad to bowel cancer, I am forever grateful that my DSM came to tell me right away. He was in hospital for terrible stomach pains and that was how it was discovered. Bowel cancer has lots of positive treatments so your husband will hopefully have lots of options and odds are that he could make a full recovery.

my Dad was very unlucky as his was rare and stage 4, but I felt I had those last 9 months to spend as much time as possible with him. I also felt that my sister and I gave each other the most support and we became even closer through the experience.

So i would get them both together and update them, allow them to get involved as much as possible ie i liked taking my dad to some of the appointments and waiting with him, it made me feel useful and i know he found a lot of the hospital stuff really tedious so it gave him company.

it will help you too to have their support, you need support through this too, sending you hugs.

This. And I would wait until after your daughter’s holiday and after your son’s retakes if he actually does retake them. I’m so sorry if your situation but I would hang on until you know for sure what the prognosis is and the care that your husband needs. But I would definitely tell them both together so that they can support each other. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Personally as someone whose father had cancer, I would rather have known at the point where we knew what it was and what the prognosis was. Waiting for news when we first heard they had found something was the worst.

Once we knew that we had the prognosis, you could kind of reconcile somewhat with what was coming and prepare as necessary. Whereas limbo isn’t pleasant.

Cancer treatment has come a very long way and they are making great strides in treatment 🤞🏻