Do I tell the children yet?

[LemonWater222]

Today we found out that my DH has a bowel tumour, 99% chance it is cancer.

We have two DC 18 and 22 who have been through quite a lot the last few years.
I had a breakdown last year which resulted in 2month hospital stay.

Our DS is at uni, he really struggled last year ( for obvious reasons) and is trying to let him repeat it (year 2 of uni.)

DD due to go on holiday next week, she absolutely adores her dad.

They will have to be told at some time, because DH will have to undergo chemotherapy/ radiotherapy.

I think we should definitely tell DD after her holiday. DS is due to do some retakes in Aug, he is supposed to email his uni tomorrow to explain why he can't and why he feels they should let him repeat the last year. We are also waiting for an appointment for a ADHD assessment for him.

DS suffers from anxiety and depression, but not sure if we should tell him so he can let uni know?

DD is a very happy go lucky girl, she is due to start uni in Sept. But as I said she adores her dad.

Should we tell them together? Just tell DS so he can let uni know?

They are really close to each other, in fact they are away together for a night, which is a relief as me and DH are quite shellshocked at the moment.

Just don't know what to do for the best? They are both going to be devastated.

My way of giving info to my DC was need to know/age appropriately/in a timely manner.

Your DC are young adults but still have a way to go before they're fully developed emotionally - and this is their dad, so its going to be harder for them.

So, firstly, do they need to know ? - Yes, they do need to know

Secondly - age appropriately - getting that sort of news about your dad is gonna be tough, and at their still fragile ages doubly so

Thirdly - in a timely manner - telling them the full story now will leave them in a huge void of not knowing until further test results are confirmed. Tell them he's had some symptoms (pain, discomfort, dodgy toilet activity) and he's had some tests, and that he's having more tests to get a diagnosis and plan for treatment. This is all true. If it is confirmed to be cancer you will have a reasonably robust plan given by the time you meet the consultant again, you will have far more information which will help you answer your DC's questions.

Telling them before a holiday, before you have solid answers isn't the best idea imo. Does your ds have any idea of his potential outcome for the year at uni? Mitigation would be using your health difficulties this year, I don't think they would accept Dad's potential diagnosis this late in the day for the current academic year.

After, and let your DD enjoy her holiday.

@tarheelbaby sorry for your loss.

@LemonWater222 - really sorry you've all had such a tough few years. It must be extra hard facing a bowel cancer diagnosis after your DH's friends awful experience.

There will never be an ideal time to tell them, although I do get where you're coming from with your daughters holiday. But I do wonder if they would be upset to be told later, and it may effect their trust in other information down the line.

You sound a close family and you will all worry about each other.

Ultimately you will do what is best for your family but if you share what you know now you can all pull together to face what is a very stressful time.

What does your husband think? How is he coping with the diagnosis?

Also do take care of yourself it is very hard to watch your loved one go through treatment. Do reach out to your support networks.

There is a lot of support around and your DH has been assigned a nurse so do call on them for any advice and support you might need going forwards. Here are a few other sources of support that could help now or in the future.

Bowel Cancer UK may be helpful information sources when needed and for support.

Macmillan has a support line. It also has advice on telling children and teens about a parents diagnosis. There might be some things there that help you think about what to say even though I know yours are late teens and older.

www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/diagnosis/talking-about-cancer/understanding-children-and-teenagers-reactions

Hope is a charity that supports young people when a loved one has a serious illness from 5-25 years

hopesupport.org.uk

Similarly Riprap is a charity that supports teenagers with a parent with cancer

Shine cancer support is a charity that supports young people and their families with cancer

shinecancersupport.org/information/friends-and-family/

Thinking of you and sending you all strength

We had a similar situation and DC were 20 and 18.

We waited until the cancer was confirmed before they were told.

It was the hardest thing I've had to do as a mother.

My heart reaches out to you. Xx

@LemonWater222 definitely after you’ve had the prognosis and treatment plan, I’d think. It may be that it’s 99% likely to be cancer, but highly treatable/ my dad had prostate cancer - caught early enough that he never needed to worry us. Similarly my DH had cancerous gastric polyps - kids in middle of GCSEs and at 6th form, so never told them. They were removed in two separate procedures and shown not to have spread. The kids never knew.

But again, I would chat to MacMillan. They have been incredible for friends and family to talk through all of this and to explore best options for managing your children’s responses - as well as providing a hand hold for your husband.

After the prognosis.

Not being flippant, but what benefit would there be to telling them now, rather than in a couple of weeks when you know more?

If you tell them now, it will be "DH might have cancer, but we're not sure of the outcome because we are still waiting for the test results and an appointment to let us know the plan". This will probably mean that they will have lots of questions that you will not be able to answer, and they may look to the worse case scenario, such as what happened to your husband's best friend, which will probably increase their anxiety about the situation. As you said, you and your husband are understandably shell-shocked by the news, take a bit of time to process the news yourselves without also supporting your children with it.

If you wait a couple of weeks until you have a bit more information, you will be able to explain the situation a bit more clearly and in a way that is less likely to send them into a couple of weeks of spiralling anxiety about their dad.

Again, I hope this doesn't sound flippant, but there doesn't seem to be any reason to tell them now with all the unknowns. I hope the next couple of weeks pass quickly and you get some more answers soon.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/get-support?infinity=ict2~net~gaw~cmp~19643654569~ag~146315271312~ar~647344069877~kw~macmillan%20support%20line~mt~p~acr~7290542289&&infinity=ict2~net~gaw~ar~647344069877~kw~macmillan%20support%20line~mt~p~cmp~G_PS_SLS_BND~ag~Brand+Core&gad_source=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgsHlsZ_EhwMVOjcIBR3skQvaEAAYASAAEgKQk_D_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

If you want to talk things through, give the nurses on the Macmillan support line a call.

FWIW, OP, my dad had colon cancer at age 50; had surgery but no chemo, and died in his mid-70s from something entirely unrelated. And he was diagnosed in the early 1980s; treatments are far better now. 💐💐💐

Are they likely to ask questions though as there is a difference between waiting and actually lying so that is something to think abkut

my Nan had bowel cancel in 1992 at 68, tumour removed and stoma bag. She died 30 years later at 98

Thank you all so much for your replies and support.

I had that awful feeling this morning when I woke for a few seconds and everything was fine and then it hit me.

DC are back late tonight. We have told them that we are waiting for test results. They know their dad was having problems but think it is the infection he was hospitalised for last week.

DH told his brother last night but he won't say anything, he is yet to tell his elderly parents. His family have a very strange dynamic and I'm not sure how supportive they will be ( especially with me.)

I will definitely call Macmillan, they were wonderful when DH friend was going through this.
We were told that DH friend was terminal whilst we were looking after his 10year old daughter. She was going to be told the next day when all the family were together the next day.
I remember cuddling her that night thinking her world was going to explode tomorrow.

My DC are really wonderful kids, they really don't deserve this. I let them down so much last year but I'm determined to be strong for them and my DH.

He seems ok and fairly positive that he will be alright. He is one of the healthiest people I know, especially with his diet and exercise so I know he has a fighting chance.

@LemonWater222 If you are referring to your breakdown, you didn't let your kids down. You were ill. You got treatment and got better/stronger. You sound very caring and I don't think you'd judge your husband for his illness as you might be judging yourself. Be kind to yourself.

If I've got that wrong I'm sorry but still be kind to yourself. ☺️

@BSky thank you for your kind words. Yes I was referring to my breakdown.
I know it couldn't be helped but I really could have handled things better.

I would suggest you tell them both now and tell them everything. Offer them the respect of treating them like the adults that they are.

My parents repeatedly hid things from me and it damaged our relationship.

It led to me missing the chance to say goodbye to one relative as an adult. That was unforgivable.

At one point my DM was also seriously ill and I didn’t know if I could believe that I was being told the truth about whether she would die or not.

We were estranged for some time after that. I still don’t entirely trust them now.

i would wait until you have more information about if it is definitely cancer and what the treatment plan and prognosis are so you can answer their questions after you and DH have processed it yourself. Then when you’re ready to tell them make sure you tell them both together

I had news that my cancer was worse than they thought just before DD went on holiday and I didn't tell her that until afterwards (I am - touch wood - okay now). Definitely the right decision for us. But it does create a weird distance between you because you know there's something that's going to upset them that they don't know, I think unless you've been there it's quite hard to understand the psychological impact of that. I would still say don't tell her until after her holiday, as that's not too long to wait, so probably don't put that pressure on your son either. By the time she comes back things may be a bit clearer with your DH's and DS's situations and you can re-evaluate.

Again thank you for your replies.

I just wanted to confirm a few things.

DH had a camera inserted yesterday. We were told that there is a tumour and maybe a second one further up the colon.
The Dr said they have taken biopsies but he is 99% sure that it is cancer.

This procedure was booked in as DH had a bowel infection. He was in pain and couldn't go to the toilet. He was in hospital for a week and given IV antibiotics.

He has a chest scan booked for Monday and a full colonoscopy for next Saturday. The meeting regarding treatment is next Friday.

Before this DS had already decided that he was too far behind with his studies to retake his exams.
We are in the process of an ADHD prognosis and his uni is aware of my problems.
He wants to repeat last year but needs to email the uni to explain the reasons why.

His therapist has also emailed the uni to explain his problems.

DD goes on holiday on Wednesday, for two weeks.
We don't want to ruin her holiday but I'm also concerned that it may come out whilst she is away as DS will be here. I'm worried that a lot of people have said to tell them together. But, DS may question all these tests.

I have same age children. I'd wait until dd comes back from holiday and then tell them together

I would leave it as long as you can before you tell them. In that I mean Wait till you’ve had staging back and know your treatment plan etc.
you can’t tell them enough right now other than worrying info. Hopefully you can tell them it’s not advanced and not anywhere else and can be treated with x months of chemo and Y months of radiotherapy and then what ongoing vigilance will be. If it’s worse news then you can prepare them with what they need to know at that time. The not knowing is awful and just knowing it is cancer is like not knowing because there are so many variables from mild chemo/radio only to severely life limiting. Just wait till you have the full info. And definitely after any holidays or exams.

You know your kids best but I hate it when families keep these things a secret.

Personally, I remember my mum getting quite advanced breast cancer when I was 22 and my parents waited until they had aaaall the facts, like people are suggesting here. I actually found that extremely hard as I had little idea anything was wrong and I was quite angry with them for hiding it from me. It meant I not only learned my mum was sick, but also that it was a certain type of cancer, that xyz was going to happen etc.

My whole world came crashing down in an instant and I would have done some things differently if I had known there was an issue, including postponing a certain holiday. It may not be what my parents wanted for me, but it was my decision, my life, I love my parents and wanted to be there. And yes, I was also dealing with certain difficulties at the same time ( I was exiting an abusive relationship) which is partly why they didn't want to worry me more.

I really think you should tell them both this weekend, especially as your daughter is away for 2 weeks and as you say your son may realise, especially as they know he's in hospital and having tests. As another poster pointed out it's interesting that people who've experienced it from the child's side are mostly the ones saying tell them now.

I'll said upthread how my DC were told immediately, thankfully we did as DH only had 7months after diagnosis.
They are both adults, it's not a secret to keep, I'm aghast at a pp who waited a day to tell her DD her father had died.
They are adults treat them as such.

Personally, I wouldn’t say anything until you have a concrete diagnosis and care plan so that you are armed with as much information as you possibly can in order to answer their questions.