Do I tell the children yet?

[LemonWater222]

Today we found out that my DH has a bowel tumour, 99% chance it is cancer.

We have two DC 18 and 22 who have been through quite a lot the last few years.
I had a breakdown last year which resulted in 2month hospital stay.

Our DS is at uni, he really struggled last year ( for obvious reasons) and is trying to let him repeat it (year 2 of uni.)

DD due to go on holiday next week, she absolutely adores her dad.

They will have to be told at some time, because DH will have to undergo chemotherapy/ radiotherapy.

I think we should definitely tell DD after her holiday. DS is due to do some retakes in Aug, he is supposed to email his uni tomorrow to explain why he can't and why he feels they should let him repeat the last year. We are also waiting for an appointment for a ADHD assessment for him.

DS suffers from anxiety and depression, but not sure if we should tell him so he can let uni know?

DD is a very happy go lucky girl, she is due to start uni in Sept. But as I said she adores her dad.

Should we tell them together? Just tell DS so he can let uni know?

They are really close to each other, in fact they are away together for a night, which is a relief as me and DH are quite shellshocked at the moment.

Just don't know what to do for the best? They are both going to be devastated.

My dad had quite an advanced bowel cancer and had half his colon removed. He lived another 20 years and didn’t even have chemo as he would not have been able to pay his mortgage so a big risk he took. Try to stay positive for the DC. And let her enjoy her holiday first.

Go with your gut. I'd probably tell them straight away - you're a family and you get through these things together. Your daughter will at least have a break away to help her let off a bit of steam after a few days processing the news.

@tarheelbaby sorry for your loss x

I'm sorry for this happening, but I'd wait until definite diagnosis

Good much

Luck not much

I would tell them immediately. My husband died from cardiac arrest the day before my daughter's finals at Uni. Her brother and I discussed telling her and decided as there was nothing she could do to change situation, we decided to tell her the next day, after her finals.

She's never forgiven me, unfortunately.

Generally I think with family, the more information you tell, the better. Tell them what you know, and you can find out more as a family when there’s more to know. I think it actually helps kids (and grown up kids) settle because it takes away the fear and anxiety that things are being hidden from them and that the situation could be worse than they are being told. Just be factual about what you do and dont know and take it all together a step at a time.

I was 17 when my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I am grateful that, despite the horrific situation, my parents respected me enough to be honest with me and treat me as an involved member of the family, not as a 'child'.
I am sorry you are going through this.

Tell them. Dont wait. I'd be so upset if something so big was kept from me. I do understand why you want to shield them.

My DH has cancer and when he was having tests we never told the DC as we didn't think it was cancer. But once they told us it was we told them straight away. I wouldn't tell them till you know for sure. Look at how you're both feeling now. The kids will struggle with it all too. I would wait until you know for sure and what the treatment plans are. Then you can answer any questions they have.

So sorry for your troubles, OP. Hoping the best for your husbands treatment.

This in a nutshell. Tell them together. If not now, soon.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

My dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer at the start of the year - he had a fall before Christmas and when they did and MRI they found a tumour. I’m the oldest of 5 and significantly older than your children (40) but my parents chose not to tell any of us until after Christmas and New Year and once they had confirmation that it was cancer and what the treatment would look like. At the time I was fuming that they didn’t say anything when they found out, but now 7 months in while my dad is having chemo I do appreciate that they wanted us to have what would possibly be a last ‘normal’ Christmas. Hope you get positive news soon

im sorry you are going through this... the day my ex husband told my girls then 18 and 22 that he had been diagnosed with heart failure and he was not suitable for a heart transplant as his kidneys and other organs could not stand the regime needed for a transplant.

we had kept a lot from them.. we thought we were doing the right thing, and as things got worse and the months went on, we thought protecting the children was the right thing to do.

trust me, its i not! they want to know, as it happens and when it happens. if god forbid something happens to your husband while your daughter is on holiday she will never forgive you for not telling her.

its rough.. take as much help as you can and take care and be kind to yourself

I’m sorry to hear this. I’m a big fan of honesty and they are old enough to be told the truth. I’d let them know after DD’s holiday

Absolutely tell them, and tell them together.

SO sorry I think wait until you know definitely what it is and the stage and treatment plans before telling them anything otherwise they might have too many questions that you can’t yet answer

I’m sorry to hear what you are going through. My mum had investigations done for bowel cancer over 2 years ago and they found a huge tumour. It was a horrible time but it was removed in its entirety by surgery and no chemo/radiotherapy was required which was great. Hopefully it will be the same for your husband.

@LemonWater222

We told our adult sons once DH had been through all the 'preliminaries' and we had a concrete 'path' to tell them about. We wanted to be able to tell them "Dad has XX cancer, the treatment will be YY, and his chances of survival are ZZ". That way they didn't have a period of 'not knowing'. YMMV though, because our sons were in their 30s and yours are significantly younger. Also, DH had no health problems leading up to the discovery of the cancer so there were no issues of 'what's going on with dad?'.

Luckily DH's cancer was treatable and the cancer is gone (but he hasn't met the 5 years cancer free yet).

You tell them now, as adults.

My mum went through this went I was about the same age. Take it a step further, would you hide a death from them?

Life is hard, as you know.

They will also be super worried about you. Understandable. Was there a trigger to your health that has been removed? Eg work.

Please don't lie to them. Just tell them. I'm sorry for you.

I'd wait until you have a diagnosis and treatment plan. Its going to be hard regardless but waiting give you and DH time to come to turns with it. You'll be able to tell them without it being so raw. I also think having a treatment plan it means you can say dad has cancer and this is what we are going to do about.

Wait until you know what you’re dealing with. Not all cancer is equal in terms of prognosis and treatment. Good luck.

I am so sorry for the diagnosis but you cannot protect them from the truth- all you can do is be honest and open with them and take it from there. Anxiety is often a fear of the unknown or worry and the best way to help is to be honest and make sure you always are with them

Please tell them, they're not small children and they'll be angry if you keep it from them.
My DC lost their dad to cancer; youngest was 15, we told them the day he was diagnosed, honesty is best.

I'm so sorry your family is having to face this awful news. I have no advice to offer that others haven't already but send you much love and strength.
Can I just say though, how lovely your children's relationship sounds. My two are much smaller but the thought of them being close enough to want to go away together and be such good friends when they are teenagers is heartwarming. It sounds like they will have each other for support, no matter what happens and that's such a precious thing.