Do I tell the children yet?

[LemonWater222]

Today we found out that my DH has a bowel tumour, 99% chance it is cancer.

We have two DC 18 and 22 who have been through quite a lot the last few years.
I had a breakdown last year which resulted in 2month hospital stay.

Our DS is at uni, he really struggled last year ( for obvious reasons) and is trying to let him repeat it (year 2 of uni.)

DD due to go on holiday next week, she absolutely adores her dad.

They will have to be told at some time, because DH will have to undergo chemotherapy/ radiotherapy.

I think we should definitely tell DD after her holiday. DS is due to do some retakes in Aug, he is supposed to email his uni tomorrow to explain why he can't and why he feels they should let him repeat the last year. We are also waiting for an appointment for a ADHD assessment for him.

DS suffers from anxiety and depression, but not sure if we should tell him so he can let uni know?

DD is a very happy go lucky girl, she is due to start uni in Sept. But as I said she adores her dad.

Should we tell them together? Just tell DS so he can let uni know?

They are really close to each other, in fact they are away together for a night, which is a relief as me and DH are quite shellshocked at the moment.

Just don't know what to do for the best? They are both going to be devastated.

DH is really angry today, shouting and losing his temper.

Im not biting but feel really low, DS wanted his friends round for drinks before they all went out later.
I have told him no because of DH bowel prep and the fact that he is miserable and uncomfortable.
DS knows about the procedure tomorrow, hoping the news isn't too bad and we get some answers tomorrow. So worried that we won't be able to keep it from DS until DD gets home.

Would it be awful to tell him before she returns?

Not sure if it's stress but I have an upset stomach today too, thankfully we have more than one bathroom!

Sending love to you all and hoping your husband has had the results and things are clearer 💐

Just a little update.

DH has a 5cm tumour, the biopsies haven't come back on the other one yet.

Thankfully, it hasn't spread to lungs or liver.

He has a PET scan tomorrow and then every day for 6 weeks radiotherapy.
Chemotherapy after and then an operation.
So much to take in, he looks broken 😥

He has been quite snappy and when I suggested speaking to a therapist he point blank refused.
I do think we are both in shock still.

It's going to be a long hard road ahead but I'm praying this treatment will work.
DD still has another week left of her holiday( seems like she has been gone forever).

Im kind of treading on eggshells, I know there is nothing I can say that will make him feel better.
I have just tried to be brave and assure him that we will get through it together.

Thank you all for your best wishes x

I know it doesn't feel like it to either of you, but if it hasn't spread, that's really good news. Bowel cancer at that stage is very curable. Unfortunately my late husband's had spread everywhere by the time he was diagnosed. So I'm always relieved and glad when people tell me that their tumour or their loved one's is contained. It makes it a whole different ball game.

I'm not minimising the shock and upset that you're going through of course. It's going to take time to come to terms with this, and it sounds as though your DH needs an outlet for his feelings, so I hope he can get some specialist counselling. But hopefully at the end of this treatment he'll be well.

You can do this for sure, take one day at a time, one appointment at a time. Once the treatment starts you get into a sort of rhythm and plod along. If you don't already have one but can afford to, get a cleaner in to come in and go through once a fortnight, make easy meals where possible. The first few lots of radiotherapy are easy then the tiredness kicks in, with pelvic radiotherapy there are likely to be some bowel and bladder side effects so quietly pop a bag of pads and some bed pads in the back of a cupboard. My DH is noted for not having a practical bone in his body but he was amazing, he really looked after me and I was not always very pleasant to be around. The people at the hospital were all so very kind and explained everything, the oncology nurses are a fantastic lot, they gave us so many useful tips. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but each day is a bit closer to the cure

My mum had bowel cancer (stage 3 I think it was as it had spread to at least one lymph node) we actually didn't even know until after the op that cancer was even a possibility. The doctors must've kept talking about a lump or mass but never actually mentioned the word "cancer" so we never realised the seriousness until afterwards. Sounds crazy now as it's the first thing that'd come to mind but we really had no idea back then. Her only symptom had been blood when she went to the loo so she didn't feel sick at all.

She had it removed along with lots of bowel and some lymph nodes. She remembers them saying the tumour was the size of a cauliflower(!) I don't know how that could be true, but she says it's what they told her. Then she had preventative chemo for around a year if I remember correctly (the type where she didn't lose her hair or get too sick) and then it was just colonoscopy's every five years(?) I think. Until a certain time had passed when she no longer had to have them.

That was when I was 13 and I'm 36 now and she's still going strong at 77! She just has to be slightly careful she doesn't eat too much as things go through her system so much quicker. Other than that she's 100% recovered. I can't thank the NHS enough in my mum's case and I really hope your husband has a similar recovery.

I’m late stage

39 , single , businesswoman , mother

two beautiful young boys

Ex H = MONSTER

the night before my brilliant sons first GCSE exam a couple of months ago

His ‘dad’ .. the MONSTER .. casually said ‘ohh by the way ! you’re mother has stage 4 CANCER!’

I wanted to choose to tell my boys when i felt it right to do so .. he has taken EVERYTHING from me and he even took my right to tell my boys about MY awful news!

The ‘silver lining’ - my boys are RESILIENT.. they are younger than your lovely sounding kids OP and i believe your DC will be resilient too! AND it’s not even confirmed that it’s deadly (and i pray it won’t be)

And I actually love it when my boys moan and whinge to me .. when they’re rude if i ask them to bring out the washing or wrappers from their rooms etc .. cause they don’t or won’t treat me with ‘cotton wool’ i’m still just ‘mum’ just like your DH will be ‘just dad!’

IMO .. just be transparent .. talk about it like it’s normal (because sadly cancer is normal ! one in two will get it ) always turn a ‘negative’ into a ‘positive’

kids hate when you get the waiter to take ‘cheesy’ family holiday pics of you as a family

use what i say ‘boys - this is for your mum! i’m building an album on my phone of beautiful memories!’

Holidays- use this as an extra special holiday ! Go on a fun excursion .. don’t let cancer define you .. volcano trip , paragliding, scary vertical water slides , boat trips and all jump into the ocean for a swim .. meals out and laugh and laugh and laugh

You can say ‘they’ll be devastated’ route or you can ‘normalise’ this and then once out in the open it’s done and said and you can make some beautiful memories .. can laugh ! of course they’ll be tearful days but i try to turn my tears into smiles as every day i wake up im still alive and im currently sorting out fininces to arrange a lovely vacation

;i’ve always paid and planned these for my boys as the MONSTER pretended to have jobs and faked everything .. left me (committed fraud) in hundreds of thousands in debts and borrowed against my property /our family home and we were repossessed! and im still (kind of ..) standing and he’s the FAT ugly monster and i don’t even look ill and i still work the business on a smaller scale and go down vertical slides with the boys )

You sound like a wonderful tight knit family and i bet your kids suprise you (mine give me strength and the reason to not give up )

@MakeUpArtistMom

Thank you for your post and I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this and the MONSTER sounds vile.

I hope you are getting support from other family and friends? Xx

@LemonWater222

thank you so much and not really re wirh support BUT I chose to leave the area i grew upon and all the bad memories behind so always been ‘me and my boys ‘ and lots of aquaintences and a handful of lovely friends but not ‘every day’ friends .. they have own busy lives / don’t live near by so i’m not missing out iyswim ..

if you ever want to message me though please always do (i barely sleep haha!) as i’m sure it’s just as hard for you (even harder) seeing your DH go through this as nothing comes with a handbook and we are all just trying to get through the day without forgetting the to do list or anything and everything in between (well i definitely am anyway! 😀)

I have another question if anyone can help?

DH asked me today if it's worth getting a second opinion?
I would say the Doctors and hospital have been amazing so far.
However, we do live in London and would be able to go to the Royal Marsden.

Would it be better going to a cancer specialist hospital rather than our local general hospital?

Thank you

I’m so sorry it wasn’t better news, OP.

FWIW, if it was me, I’d get a second opinion, even if I had confidence in the doctors treating me. But I’m like that!

Yes, yes and yes. This is her life always always get a second opinion. My husband has stomach cancer. He's only 45. He's been given a year to live. We are getting a second opinion soon as his scan results are back next week. Go straight in for treatment. My husband waited 3 months and he was Curable when we found out but he was left and now he's not. Good luck this is a hard journey to be on. But I wish you both well xxxx

OP It’s very normal to think about getting a second opinion when you’re still in shock and processing what is happening.

Do think about what you would expect from a second opinion and the potential delays this may have on treatment starting.

His team sounds as if they are moving fairly quickly with a treatment plan and the approach is to reduce the size of the tumour as much as possible with radiotherapy/chemotherapy before surgically removing the residual.

It might be useful for DH to have another chat with his team about that plan and for him to seek reassurance about the approach they are taking. Whilst he is in a general hospital, colo rectal surgeons and oncologists are specialists in their own right. They may even have worked in places like the Marsden and bring that knowledge and experience with them.

Ask about the pathway for a second opinion-his current team may be happy to fo that or he may need to go back to his GP. There is no guarantee that if a referral is done for another hospital, that they will accept the referral if they feel his care is being planned and managed appropriately.

‘My planned care’ website will give you some indication of waiting times at your own hospital and at the Marsden.

Sorry about your recent update. The thing about therapy the person receiving it has to want it for it to work. I am sure your right your DH would benefit but not unless he is onboard. We all deal with things differently and I am sorry he is snappy at the moment hopefully he will be less so. You could still benefit for some therapy or a facial or some ‘you time’ if funds allow or catch up and chat with friends who don’t know. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

Re the second opinion this will take time to arrange and may delay treatment. Before deciding on the treatment a Multi Disciplinary Team will have met, mulled over and discussed the findings and his case etc. As he is receiving treatment pretty quickly I would go with it and hope for the best.

We got some very bad news re DH just before out first was due to go to Uni. We encouraged him to go and said we would update him regularly and if things worsened he could take a break from his studies if need be etc. He has now completed year 2. DH is remarkable for stage 4 but we couldn’t have coped with kids waiting around at home and waiting to start their lives. But it depends on your husband’s prognosis and how your children feel etc. We are a close family as well but we facetime and speak on the phone regularly so this is better than the alternative for us but it could easily have gone the other way.

Take care OP and also look after you.

Just need a little rant. DS was so upset yesterday.

He had an accident in his car, wasn't hurt but lots of damage, he said it was his fault.

He is supposed to retake an exam on Sat, the uni replied that he must do it unless he can provide proof of his struggles.

He was going to get a letter from his therapist but she is away on holiday.

He has also had a huge falling out with his BF. He said he was angry which is why he thinks he wasn't concentrating and had the accident.

He was so upset and was crying and saying how bad things are for him. Gave him a cuddle and said we will sort out the car. God knows how though, thousands in damage and if we claim on his insurance then it will skyrocket.

This news is going to actually floor him and I'm worried more so now as he hasn't got BF to lean on.

Dont know if we should tell him so that he can at least let the university know?

Sorry for the rant, I've been awake since 4.30am and can't stop my mind from twirling.

Has he been to his GP that could be used as evidence if therapist away or does the therapist have an admin person that could confirm he has seen her from X date to Y date or could he email the therapist and ask them to send a short letter i.e. email to confirm they have been seeing him?

The Uni will require evidence and him to prove any mitigating circumstances. He has enough without knowing your husbands news until his sister gets back or maybe Uni isn’t for him.

Take care

We recently had a similar situation but our kids are much younger. Macmillan were absolutely amazing and helped us navigate the whole thing including how to tell the kids. Definitely get in touch with them.
Good luck.

I’m in Scotland so it may be a bit different here (I have worked in oncology for many years) but all district general hospitals have weekly visits from specialist oncologists who have multidisciplinary meetings where a patient’s pathology and treatment plan are discussed and agreed.

we have SIGN guidelines which outline what the treatment should be for different stages of different cancers - in England, it will be NICE guidance.

It’s not like decades ago where surgeons in general hospitals could get away with patients they had “warts” and “polyps” and not refer them on for radio/chemotherapy as they didn’t see the need.

so a second opinion is unlikely to change his treatment plan but could result in a delay in starting if he loses his radiotherapy start date place while you are waiting.

good luck with it all 💐

Yes its the same in England. I posted about this above. Not sure if she has seen my supportive posts this morning.

But if her DH won’t seek support now I also think OP needs support as partners can be hit even worse especially if they don’t have a good trusted friend (to chat to, have a laugh with and be our old selves with even for half an hour), getting outside and going out for a walk, gardening, having a massage or a facial or whatever she enjoys would all help.

Macmillan or a specialist cancer charity would also help with info on how to tell the young people especially if the young person is also having a tough time etc (I have also posted about this further up the chat and someone else has suggested it fairly recently).

Thank you @Pippa246

Yes, that is the only thing I was worried about.

They are being quick with tests and treatment plan. Just think maybe mentally he would feel better going to a cancer specialist hospital.
He is really worried about having the stoma and would like an opinion if this could be helped.

Oh gosh it's really hit me today 😥

Start off by having a conversation with his own team about the stoma and why this is required.

Bowel Cancer UK has lots of great information and Colostomy UK has a helpline where he can talk through his worries about the stoma.

Macmillan has an online bowel cancer forum/community where he can read about the experiences of other people who have had or are facing this type of surgery.

Do you have a Maggie's centre near you. They provide tremendous support. You need support whatever your husband wants for himself.

Re telling the children (young adults) my children lived with their dad having a brain tumour for 12 years from the ages of 4&6. As they grew up I had to change the way I approached things with them to make it age specific about how "daddy's spot in his brain" affected him.

It was actually harder as they grew older but they did not like me not telling them things and hated that I had struggled myself by not telling them. I think if you tell your son so that he can get support from uni then you have to tell your daughter. If she's going on holiday she will have support from her friends... encourage her to go but keep her informed.my daughter got a lot of support from her friends and it really helped. She would have been so upset if I had told her brother something and not her to "protect her" ...my children were very close which made it harder too. Also if the BIL knows you don't want something slipping out...though I get the impression you're not close.

A final comment...look after yourself and I wish you well during this awful time. You're carrying everything here and as a wife who did the same it's really hard and I feel for you.

Thank you everyone @Ratherbeaspoonthanafork im sorry I wasn't ignoring you, thank you for your supportive message.

I didn't realise I had so many replies! I'm so sorry for everyone that is going through this too. I've been strong so far but I think it hit me today how serious this all is.

Im going to phone MacMillan today and I've been gently suggesting it to DH and think he is willing to give it a try.

Seeing my son so upset yesterday was hard, to think he will have to deal with this too is heartbreaking.

Thank you all so so much for your advice and support. It really is helping x

Honestly, please get some support yourself and be kind to yourself as well
as you don’t want to go under worrying about everyone else.