Do I tell the children yet?

[LemonWater222]

Today we found out that my DH has a bowel tumour, 99% chance it is cancer.

We have two DC 18 and 22 who have been through quite a lot the last few years.
I had a breakdown last year which resulted in 2month hospital stay.

Our DS is at uni, he really struggled last year ( for obvious reasons) and is trying to let him repeat it (year 2 of uni.)

DD due to go on holiday next week, she absolutely adores her dad.

They will have to be told at some time, because DH will have to undergo chemotherapy/ radiotherapy.

I think we should definitely tell DD after her holiday. DS is due to do some retakes in Aug, he is supposed to email his uni tomorrow to explain why he can't and why he feels they should let him repeat the last year. We are also waiting for an appointment for a ADHD assessment for him.

DS suffers from anxiety and depression, but not sure if we should tell him so he can let uni know?

DD is a very happy go lucky girl, she is due to start uni in Sept. But as I said she adores her dad.

Should we tell them together? Just tell DS so he can let uni know?

They are really close to each other, in fact they are away together for a night, which is a relief as me and DH are quite shellshocked at the moment.

Just don't know what to do for the best? They are both going to be devastated.

My dad hid his cancer diagnosis from me and my sister and it was SO much worse than if he’d just been straight with us. We had both also gone through tough years – my sister got a divorce, I moved home, my children’s school closed unexpectedly. Hiding it from us was a bad, bad decision.

Tell them now. I was 22 when my dad got cancer - he knew he was unwell before Christmas but didn’t tell us anything until February because he didn’t want to worry us. Not only did we have to deal with the diagnosis, but we also had to deal with the feeling of guilt that he’d been going through it without us, a little bit of anger at our mum for keeping it from us, and then the full shock of going straight from “everything is normal” to “cancer”, without the processing bit in the middle where you worry but you also get the occasional relief of a little bit of hope. They need to be part of the journey with you otherwise they’re being thrown in at the shittiest of deep ends. Trust me, I’ve been there.

They are adults and they are part of this.

I’ve not seen any of the comments from children who’ve been through this on this thread urging you to keep it quiet (admittedly I might have missed any who have, but it seems to me that the children among us are unanimous).

What does your DH think? When I was undergoing tests for cancer I chose not to tell my (adult) DC until I had a diagnosis and knew what the treatment would involve. I needed the space to get my head round the situation and be prepared for the inevitable questions. When I did share the news they respected the fact that I had handled the situation in the way that I felt most comfortable with.

I’m so sorry. Best wishes for a recovery to your DH.

Going against the grain here but depending on how his anxiety manifests, I’d get the information out there quickly and honestly, especially for your DS. I suffered badly from anxiety as a child and a teen and being denied information or feeling like people were trying to protect me from information made me 100% times worse because I would sense something was going on and catastrophe it x100 in my muddled head. The truth sets you free.

I went through this last year. Every medical person was convinced it was cancer. My GP was talking about a "treatment plan" and "multi-disciplinary teams". The speed that I was seen and tested was scary in itself. On one occasion I had a blood test in the morning and got a call to make an appointment that same night. Then a whole battery of procedures. I was one of the lucky ones - 6 polyps removed, no cancer. The diagnosis was coeliac disease (not picked up on the blood tests).

I think the approach is to treat every patient as if they have cancer until proven otherwise. Care and treatment was first class.

I would advise waiting until you have a firm diagnosis. If it's like my experience, it will be quick. Wishing you all the luck in the world.

I can see how this feels time sensitive for you dc. And honestly I'm in two minds. The dc need to be told together what's happening, as a family. With the pressure of ds emailing uni - I kind of think this should be done on how his struggles are now. Focusing on him, they will be able to support him further once he/they know about a parents diagnosis.

As it is, the next appointment isn't until next week, your dd will be on holidays, ds would have sent his email, I'd let them know once dd is home, once everything is confirmed.

I'm so sorry you're going through this x

Based on my own experience when we were a couple of year older than your kids, don't wait.
My parents waited a week or so to tell my sister about my mum's diagnosis, until after her graduation and she was so angry when she found out it had been kept from her 'not to spoil the day'. She was also cross that I was told before her and had kept it from her too. I think she was rightly wary that people weren't being honest with her.
I think on the whole people react best when they have the full information to react to.

And this is the thing….the trust is then gone….and they will always worry that they are not being told something….far better to be straight from the get go…..imo

This.

This. Especially the par of knowing what the treatment will be.

Receiving bad news is very difficult because the news is difficult.

Keeping people in the dark means they may never trust you to be honest again.

I would tell them immediately and together what you know now. He has a tumour and the medics suspect cancer.

Don't do this. Aside from the fact that the university won't speak to a parent, the DS is an adult and so shouldn't be undermined like this.

When your DS has been told, he can decide what to do with that information in relation to his studies.

OP, it occurs to me that I knew more at 7 than your adult children know. You need to tell them, it's very unfair on them not to.

I was diagnosed with bowel cancer 18 months ago. I’ve had surgery and chemo and I’m doing really well, it was all removed and so far hasn’t come back.

My children were 16 and 15 when I was diagnosed and I told them as soon as the diagnosis was confirmed. At that stage I knew I would have surgery but didn’t know about chemo yet.

There is a huge range of outcomes from a bowel cancer diagnosis. Most people will be successfully treated. My brother was diagnosed 30 years ago with a far more advanced cancer than I had and he’s still here and cancer free.

I wouldn’t wait til after a holiday but I would wait til you’re feeling a bit calmer and have all the facts. In my experience kids will look to you for how to respond. If you’re calm and confident they will be too. Cancer treatment can drag on a bit so we encouraged our kids to get on with their normal lives and promised we would keep them informed. The only thing I could have done better was reassuring them that spending a huge amount of time at doctors/hospitals/tests was completely normal and didn’t mean things were going badly.

Hi OP, inn sorry to hear you're going through this.

2 years ago my husband was 99% positive for prostate cancer, an mri showed the lump the week before we took our daughter to uni overseas. We didn't tell DD or DS23 (has ASD and ADHD) at the time, we waited until DH had his biopsy 2 weeks later. We flew out our to DD with DS and told them both together, we didn't want either having to keep it secret from the other in case they wanted to talk about it.
We kept it factual and non emotional, cancer is this, doctor says this, next stage is that, and they both took it in their stride.
think it's important for you and your husband to have a much information as possible, Your understanding and ability to answer their questions will be reassuring. I hope all goes well for your husband. X

I was 24 when my mum was diagnosed with leukaemia and 28 when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. My mums diagnosis was sudden with no chance of it being hidden but my dads took time for test results to come back however both my older sister and I knew from the start that something was wrong.
Speaking from personal experience I think you should tell your children together and straight away. They are your children but they are young adults. You sound like a close knit family so I can imagine they would be hurt by reality being kept from them even if you think it’s for their own good.
For me being involved in diagnosis / treatment conversations right from the start was really important and helped me feel in control in the most out of control circumstances.
Take care @LemonWater222 🤍

I've been through this as the single parent of an adult and a teenager. I chose to wait to tell my children until I knew what the outlook was. (Took 3 weeks to get my scan results)
The waiting to find out how bad my prognosis was was so hellish that I couldn't pass that onto my kids. It felt kinder to tell them when I could tell them what treatment I'd be having.
I hope everything works out for your DH. I'm 18 months past my diagnosis of bowel cancer and looking back, the first few weeks of not knowing how bad things were was the hardest part.

My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was around your DD’s age. I found out by accident from a family friend. My parents had kept it from me because I had a job interview coming up. I never, ever trusted them again.

Hi there, firstly I’m so sorry to hear of your circumstances. I can’t advise you what to do in terms of timings, but I work in a university and your son should be able to put in a personal extenuating circumstances (PEC) claim or his uni’s equivalent. This would usually need some supporting evidence or statements but would cover the resits and provide a safety net to him. Just so you know, but I’m thinking maybe you already do :)

My parents told me about my dad’s prognosis (not cancer) but kept it (and told me to keep it) from my siblings. I’m the youngest and was still at school and they were at uni and we couldn’t “worry them”. It was really hard and then he died and they were all absolutely blown away by it - like it had come out of the clear blue sky. Definitely tell them together. I don’t see what is wrong with waiting until you have a diagnosis and a treatment plan discussion, especially as the waiting and not knowing is really tough, but it’s not wrong to tell them now either.

Thank you all
conflicting messages, should we tell them now or after prognosis ?

Definitely after. There is nothing to tell them right now.

Do other people know? Make sure they are told first. I found out my granny had cancer when one of her neighbours mentioned it to me in a restaurant. I was completely shocked.

We didn't tell ours until we were 100% what the diagnosis was and what my treatment plan was.

Wait and catch your breath, sometimes these things take weeks.

Sorry you're going through this at all

@LemonWater222 I would tell them after you’ve received confirmation that he has cancer. A prognosis of the stage of the cancer and the treatment plan might not be confirmed for a while yet. In my case I didn’t get the full picture until after surgery.

After prognosis and treatment plan are in place.