Do I tell the children yet?

[LemonWater222]

Today we found out that my DH has a bowel tumour, 99% chance it is cancer.

We have two DC 18 and 22 who have been through quite a lot the last few years.
I had a breakdown last year which resulted in 2month hospital stay.

Our DS is at uni, he really struggled last year ( for obvious reasons) and is trying to let him repeat it (year 2 of uni.)

DD due to go on holiday next week, she absolutely adores her dad.

They will have to be told at some time, because DH will have to undergo chemotherapy/ radiotherapy.

I think we should definitely tell DD after her holiday. DS is due to do some retakes in Aug, he is supposed to email his uni tomorrow to explain why he can't and why he feels they should let him repeat the last year. We are also waiting for an appointment for a ADHD assessment for him.

DS suffers from anxiety and depression, but not sure if we should tell him so he can let uni know?

DD is a very happy go lucky girl, she is due to start uni in Sept. But as I said she adores her dad.

Should we tell them together? Just tell DS so he can let uni know?

They are really close to each other, in fact they are away together for a night, which is a relief as me and DH are quite shellshocked at the moment.

Just don't know what to do for the best? They are both going to be devastated.

In a month or a couple of weeks they won’t be at uni and Op will have more info to hand. She can tell them together her DD will have had her hols and DS will have contacted his Uni the info he has already is enough.

They will still have plenty of time to decide what to do about Uni as term won’t have started by then.

Back in April I was investigated for breast cancer. I have a 23 Yr old son with acquired brain Injury and a 20 Yr old son just finished 2nd Yr university. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in May on a Wednesday My son was coming home that friday for summer having his last exam same day. Longest 3 days of my life. I avoided the phone and texts as I wanted them to be first to know. I told them both together on the Friday night after dinner. They were amazing and supportive of each other and me and their dad. I had a mastectomy in June and been cared by them all very well. Wait u till you have a diagnosis before telling them. You can keep them I formed about tests etc..we told my lads I was just having a few tests etc.nothing to worry about at that stage. The very best of luck to you and yours. I hope it all works out well for you xxx

I think the title saying children has influenced opinion; they're not children they are 18 & 22.
I do not agree with withholding life changing news, tell them asap.

@Kelly51 i completely agree and it’s not just one parent it’s both. Mum has also been extremely unwell and having been there I would be more concerned at mum hiding this and trying to cope than being honest and us being a family.

I am so dreadfully sorry.

I would wait until you have a firm diagnosis and know that the treatment pathway is. Then tell them together,

Again, I'm so sorry. Sending love to you all.

Definitely use it. My biggest regret with my husband was not using it. Also found out today he could have got pay outs for hospital stays and days having treatments so check that out too.

Not yet. Nothing is definite or confirmed, there's always a chance it's not. Plus you have no info if it is, what stage, treatment plan etc. if it was me I would wait so they don't catastophise an unconfirmed situation. If anything just say there's more tests happening to see whats going on

Again thank you all for your replies. Sending love to everyone that has gone through this.

We haven't said anything to them yet, DH wants to wait until we know the full details and treatment plan.

@Kelly51 I know they are young adults but they are forever my children :)

Im so worried how DS will take this, he has really struggled at uni, he has been seeing a therapist since he was 19 and really struggles with stuff. He was already talking about leaving, I hope this news doesn't sway him.

I really appreciate all your advise, I know a lot of you have said to tell them now but I really feel that it's best for them to be oblivious for a few more weeks.

Myself, DD and DS went out for dinner last week. DS said " you definitely chose the best person to have children with, he is the best dad."

Also, I have a very strained relationship with my in laws, especially BIL.

DH told BIL on Friday and I have heard nothing from him or SIL. They have never been that supportive, in fact BIL has withdrawn from DS over the last few years as he feels he "should be over his mental health problems" so I'm not expecting any support from them.

My own family fell out with DH when I was ill, they didn't think he supported me very well.
Which kind of leaves us in our own, it's such a mess :(

I think it’s wrong that you told your BIL before your own kids…..mine would have been really hurt by this….and the trust would have been gone that you would be keeping things from them in future….they would have more future worry that they not really knowing what’s happening….but I am basing this on my 3 kids and how they were ….I guess you know your own kids better than

@Kitkat1523
I do understand that, but it was my DH choice. I think he needed to offload on someone. I don't think the DC will be upset.
Also DH wanted advice on weather to tell his parents yet.

@LemonWater222 mine were 15-26 when their dad was diagnosed, we told them that day, he only had 7 months and they're grateful
for every minute with their dad, he said they were his strength, he also said if it wasn't for them he wouldn't have carried on with treatment but he wanted every minute he could grasp with them.

Personally I'd wait and tell them both once your DS has done his exams.

My dad had very serious heart operation when I was 18 and I was always grateful they delayed telling me a couple of weeks after I'd done some modular exams.

My aunt was also diagnosed with terminal cancer last month and they have delayed telling the two grandchildren (early 20s) by a couple of weeks as one was sitting her final PhD presentation and she would have (and did!) go to pieces.

Hope the treatment goes well.

@TheSerenePinkOrca

I do t think DS will do the exams. He is asking if he can retake last year as he is so far behind.
Im so worried that he won't even return to uni and DD won't start in Sept.

We will tell them as soon as we have a full prognosis and DD has returned from her holiday. Once we know for sure we won't keep it from them.

I have t told anyone else as want DC to be the first to know. I must admit I'm struggling with it all. Putting on a brave face for DH. I'm worried that I won't cope mentally. Obviously, this isn't about me but I just feel so so sad for DH and my beautiful children.

Sorry for your situation OP.
Your children sound so lovely and what a sweet thing for your son to say about his dad and you.
Good luck going forward and think it's best when you have all the details so are prepared to answer any questions they might have.
All the best.

Remember that you are 'allowed' to seek help for yourself. You don't have to be the family's Rock of Gibraltar all on your own.

When DH was diagnosed part of the 'whole body' approach of his cancer team was offering counseling/support groups to not only DH, but to me as his wife & main supporter.

So don't be afraid to seek counseling or group support if you're worried about yourself or your ability to cope. Don't let those around you insist that 'you are stronger than you think' and that you'll be 'just fine'. You need care, too.

We waited until I had a definite diagnosis and treatment plan. So that we could give them proper, complete information, all the facts and figures, likely length of treatment, staging, probable outcome. Then we got them together for Sunday lunch and told them after lunch. They had each other for support and we were relaxed as we had had time to properly come to terms with it all ourselves. We were able to answer all their questions, nothing left up in the air, not a single 'we don't know yet' It worked well. We also waited until after son and new wife had had their holiday, and no one had any big plans for a little while.

Thank you all again.

@Notthatcatagain that sounds like a good plan. Can I ask how are you now?

I'm 9 years post diagnosis from stage 3 bowel cancer, I also had 2 lots of mets removed from my lungs. Officially cured and discharged by everyone. I've got a few ongoing problems related to the surgery, the tumour was very low so I have no rectum now. I'm hoping to get a stoma later this year to fix it. I won't lie, the treatment was no fun but I'm here to tell the tale. Feel free to pm me if I can help

That does sound awful@Notthatcatagain, I'm so sorry you had to go through that and still dealing with it.

Its such a cruel disease.

Sending you love and best wishes x

Hi I just could do with a little rant today.

Sorry, I know this isn't about me but I'm feeling so so angry today.
DH has to take his bowel prep tomorrow, I just feel so sorry for him.
He is being quite (understandably) grumpy and nothing I say is right.

I have nobody else to talk to so I'm sorry if I come across selfish.

DD has gone away but it's difficult trying to be normal around DS.

By Saturday we should know more answers, I'm just hoping that it isn't as bad as I fear. Then we have to keep it to ourselves until DD comes home, she is away for 2 weeks.

Not being selfish @LemonWater222 A Very hard time for you right now. Am thinking about you, so rant away here when you need. Sending Hugs

Absolutely this, wait so you know exactly what the plan is. Sorry you're going through this x

That. That's how we handled it when my DH was diagnosed. Our DDs were 22 and 20. The older one had just finished uni, the older one studying locally. Both living at home.

We waited until he had had the scans, and had a date for surgery. That way they weren't left in limbo, with lots of questions that we couldn't answer.

ETA that I missed a page and didn't see that you've already decided to take this route. Wishing you and DH all the best

@LemonWater222 sending strength and love to you all ❤️