Do I tell the children yet?

[LemonWater222]

Today we found out that my DH has a bowel tumour, 99% chance it is cancer.

We have two DC 18 and 22 who have been through quite a lot the last few years.
I had a breakdown last year which resulted in 2month hospital stay.

Our DS is at uni, he really struggled last year ( for obvious reasons) and is trying to let him repeat it (year 2 of uni.)

DD due to go on holiday next week, she absolutely adores her dad.

They will have to be told at some time, because DH will have to undergo chemotherapy/ radiotherapy.

I think we should definitely tell DD after her holiday. DS is due to do some retakes in Aug, he is supposed to email his uni tomorrow to explain why he can't and why he feels they should let him repeat the last year. We are also waiting for an appointment for a ADHD assessment for him.

DS suffers from anxiety and depression, but not sure if we should tell him so he can let uni know?

DD is a very happy go lucky girl, she is due to start uni in Sept. But as I said she adores her dad.

Should we tell them together? Just tell DS so he can let uni know?

They are really close to each other, in fact they are away together for a night, which is a relief as me and DH are quite shellshocked at the moment.

Just don't know what to do for the best? They are both going to be devastated.

I would wait until you have the full information so that you can answer any questions. I would not tell my child if they were going on holiday. Will a week make a difference? I'm sure she's looking forward to it. Better to be equipped with the treatment plan before telling them as the unanswered questions will create more fear/anxiety. Wishing your husband a full recovery and sorry you are going through this. Keep positive and hang in there 💐

I would wait until you know the exact diagnosis. My DH had bowel cancer - had to have a big chunk of his bowel removed, but after that, he didn’t even need chemo, and (touching all wood) he has been fine ever since - this was some years ago. We told his children after he’d had the operation and we knew exactly what the situation was. Everyone is different - follow your instincts, and do what you and your husband feel is right for you and your family.

I'd actually wait until you know exactly what he has and what treatment is available.

You won't be able to answer any of their questions in details until you've got all the information.

wishing you good luck.

I agree.

My dad has had cancer numerous times, my mum used to not tell me and it made me furious. As if she knew my feelings better than I do. And I wanted to know, it was horrible knowing I'd been lied to. I had words and now she tells me what's going on.

OP tell them and go through it together as a family.

I have been through something similar at 25 with my DM. I am the type of person that will have questions and needs answers. They thought they were doing the right thing by telling me before they had concrete diagnosis and treatment plan but those weeks of waiting was the worst time of my life. It really affected me negatively. I wish they had waited.

My brother however would be someone that would want to know straight away. I’m the more ‘sensible’ child so was told before he was and they didn’t want to worry him until they had answers (her delicate baby boy 🙄).

You know your children and you know what they need.

I would let DD enjoy her holiday though and tell them together right before you have a clear answer. Maybe a the day before your appointment to easy them in as it’s a hell of a thing to drop on them out of nowhere

Tell them. DH and I have been in their shoes 8 times. We have always known everything that's going on. There is a great comfort in knowing, in good times and bad, that we know everything and nothing is being hidden. If you don't tell them then they'll always have the worry at the back of their minds that there's something wrong with one of you, even if you're in the fullest of health.

Best of luck to your DH. Bowel cancer can be very successfully treated, so I very much hope it's the case for him.

Interesting, I'm on the next stage from two week pathway.
I've told my girls 19 &17 I'm getting checked out, going for tests because I want them to see seeking medical advice as something you do.

My in-laws keep everything hush hush. It's rude,scary and weirdly elitest.
Sil has stage 4 terminal breast cancer, this is conveyed through a short text to her brothers - I've been there for 30 years and yet I'm on the outsider list, same as the other very straight forward sil.
PIL are sucking up so much NHS it's unbelievable but we'll hear always after the event. Nutters.

I’d definitely tell them together. And I think I’d be inclined to wait until you know for sure what you are dealing with.

My husband was diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2018. He had surgery and chemo and is fine now. For me the hardest bit was where you are now - not knowing exactly what is going on and waiting for results is torture.

The charity Bowel Cancer UK was an immense support for us. We attended one of their conferences and it was so helpful meeting others in similar circumstances.

Be kind to yourself over the next while. It’s easy to focus on what everyone else needs but you need support too.

OP I appreciate that this is such a difficult time for you but I would also urge you to wait until you have a definite diagnosis which will include the stage of a cancer which in turn determines the treatment plan.

There are so many variables which may affect what treatment is needed and the uncertainty and waiting for results is something to protect your children from until you know for definite. You’ve mentioned chemo and radiotherapy-is this something that the team have already talked to you about? Not everybody who has a bowel cancer needs these treatments-surgical removal of a tumour can be the only treatment required. Not everyone with bowel cancer has to have a stoma and for some people, an initial stoma may then be reversed later.

If he does have a tumour that isn’t a straght forward removal or resection because of it’s size or location , he may be referred to oncogy for consideration of chemo or radiotherapy first and that may take another week or two after the results are confirmed.

Do give yourselves time to process things a little first. Once you know more definitely what needs to happen, that will be easier to communicate to the children.

My DC were younger than yours and we waited until there was a confirmed diagnosis and treatment plan before telling them. That gave us time to process it (as much as you can, anyway) and have the majority of answers to the questions they asked.

But yours are older - you need to tell them all as closely as possible, together preferably.

Telling uni now probably won't make a difference - most academics will be on extended leave for the next couple of months - and he has mitigating circumstances to request a repeat (has he failed modules this year - if so he might have to repeat anyway, has he asked this? He should have the opportunity to repeat a year once, did he speak to anyone during the year about your hospital admission?

I was always considered fragile by my family, but actually I’m by the strongest by far.

Please give your children credit for being the sensitive, caring adults they are and for having the capacity to absorb far more than you think they’re capable of.

Don’t mistake their sensitivity for weakness as my family did about me.

We have four children similar ages and younger. My DP was told 99% chance of cancer from the colonoscopy, but we needed staging (the scans you’re waiting for) for a proper diagnosis. When we had this diagnosis (Stage 3) and the “odds” from our doctor, we sat the kids down and told them. In theory the timing couldn’t have been worse for them (similar reasons to you) but they were all glad to be told and treated like a member of our family team. Some of our kids are diagnosed spectrum and struggle with anxiety. They appreciated upfront honesty and being told honestly what we were up against - because that’s the reality. It may be in one persons body but it impacts you all. We knew there would be surgery and then the rest of the treatment plan would follow (in the end it was surgery and chemo) but we were honest with them the whole way through. Them being certain we would tell them everything, regardless of good or bad news, introduced an element of trust and control the the situation - so for them the possible that there could be something more going on was more overwhelming than any actual bad news. This allowed them to deal with only what was in front of them and not hyper focus on all the possibilities and what ifs. My DP and I would do the calls/appointments, get all the tears out, out on our mom and dad hats and head home to the kids. Obviously there were times we were very emotional and worried but we tried not to look out of control to them. DP is okay for now. We still update kids re scan dates, reviews and results every 6 months. I think it’s important that you tell them as absolutely soon as you have the information. Trust is so so so important. Finally, I’m so so very sorry you are going through this. There are so many helplines for carers and families and we used them quite a lot - maybe worth finding out your local ones and having the numbers ready to give the kids when you tell them. Sending you a mountain of love. We are four years in and doing well. Ps a reminder to check his critical illness policy if you have one - ours paid out very quickly and it was very helpful.

I think it's absolutely natural not to want to tell them, but sadly, the awful thing has already happened, and you can't protect them from that. It's one of the hardest things when we can't stop bad things happening to our kids, but sometimes we just can't. I would tell them what you know as, unlike others, I think sometimes it is good to be told things in stages. I would sit them down tomorrow and tell them that the hospital has found something, and it might be cancerous, but you don't know yet, but you'll tell them once you know more. Then have a good cry and encourage them to keep things as normal as possible, so DD should still go on her holiday and DS still do what he needs to do for uni.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago when DC were 21 and 23.
We waited until I knew the whole plan and then a bit longer because DS2 had his graduation then they were going on holiday together. It was hard but we waited until they got back from holiday and told them together. I had surgery about 3 weeks later.
Telling them sooner would have ruined the graduation and the holiday for no benefit.
I have to say they were gutted and a bit cross that I had kept it from them so you might want to consider that possibility.

Wait u til you have a diagnosis and treatment plan (the 2come hand in hand) then tell them both together…..don’t delay….they need to be able to trust you that any information going forward will be the truth and you are not withholding information…..my kids were younger than yours when I was first diagnosed but I remember my DD saying some years later…..I never worried that you were keeping things from me, because I always knew you would tell me what was happening as soon as you found out ….because you did right from the start….I’ve had primary cancer 3 times now and always been upfront .

cancer, as you will learn very quickly is very individual…..even when the type and sub type seem exact…they won’t be…..how people respond to treatment is very individual …..and the most important thing to know is that 10 years is a massive amount of time in terms of cancer research….especially the likes of bowel and breast ( that I had) …..so so many new treatments …..like you say , there will be an MDT discussion and a plan made …..and a new routine will begin …..wishing you well

They are adults and you should do it, when the time is right. Do not hide it, lie about it or omit bits of information. Life is real.

Îve had cancer twice. 15 years apart. First time kids were around 7 and 10 second in their 20s. Both times I waited until I had the diagnosis and treatment plan ( as much as that was possible) its more concrete / hopefully easier when you can say this is what is wrong and this is what we’re going to do about it. Really it’s hard enough for your DH and you waiting for results there’s no point putting the kids through it until it’s really necessary Sending my very best wishes to you and your family

I'm sorry this is hapening to you. Definitely tell them together, it's not fair to expect one to know and have to keep it from the other. I would also tell them as soon as possible - tomorrow or Saturday. You can't stop them hurting from this news, but telling them immediately will stop them feeling angry or upset that you kept it from them. My parents have delayed telling me things in the past, I've not felt protected and it's made it harder to process not easier.

It’s very hard to find the balance between protecting them and telling the truth soon as….I think the danger in delaying is that they will always be wondering if you keeping something from them ( that’s what my kids said anyway) ….so I’ve always shared as soon as we knew anything…..but everyone knows their own kids best…..but definitely no point sharing until a diagnosis is given and treatment plan

I would tell them what you know now, don't wait. There is never a good time to be hit with this sort of news but he's their dad and they have a right to know. Wishing your DH a full and speedy recovery 💐

Tell them together.

And only when you can answer the questions re diagnosis, treatment plan and expectation.

Don't tell them when you don't know to assuage guilt etc.
There is nothing to tell until you know.

Despite my being a bit older than your kids, I've recently been through a cancer journey with my own DF, and I was so thankful to have known everything as it unfolded. He told us the GP was concerned and he was having scans and then told us the findings of the tests when they were available. He felt it took pressure off as he wasn't tip-toeing around it and i was glad to know and to be able to give him that support. Also, knowing he'd been for tests etc prepared me for the worst, rather than it all being sprung on us.
It's so hard to know the right thing to do, but my belief is that telling them early (but telling them together, so they can lean on each other) is best 🩷

Wait to tell the kids, but separate to DS’s e-Mail, contact the university yourself and explain you are deliberately holiday back information while your daughter is away, but with your husband’s recent stay in hospital and the need for urgent treatment, you will have to tell him before resits. You are extremely worried about his ability to cope with resits in the immediate aftermath of this news and after what has already been a tough year. It would therefore be enormously helpful if they could support his request.

Can you contact McMillan? They can advise and support and even be with you when you explain to your DCs?

I am so sorry you are all going through this OP but McMillan may also be able to help your DH process the diagnosis and the subsequent treatment/prognosis.

My parents told my brother that my dad had Leukaemia, my brother then came round to tell me as we both lived on the same street in London and they were hours away up north.

Tell them together. I didn't like being told second.