To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

[squashedsandwich]

I’m excitedly preparing for our much-wanted rainbow baby, researching and preparing everything for her arrival in autumn.

I’ve found pregnancy to show other people’s true colours, if that makes sense. Friends I thought would be there are not, but also vice versa.

One thing I am really tired of hearing from people already with kids is, ‘you’ll know when,’ or ‘just wait until’ or ‘wave goodbye to time with your husband’, ‘you’ll never have money again’. Etc. As though at the moment I am naive and ignorant with no idea what to expect. These comments are never made about positive things either.

I am under no illusion that it’s not going to be incredibly tiring and difficult beyond my current level of comprehension, and change our worlds entirely. I have enough of my own worries about that. Why do people make the ‘just wait’ type comments? Does it make them feel better or more validated?

A few of the comments I’ve had I don’t even think are necessarily true or reflective of how I’m going to be as a parent. My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I’ve been ignoring or closing down the comments with ‘I’m sure you’re right’ for a while, but they are starting to get to me. I wondered if AIBU to cut down my time with people that don’t have anything more positive to say?

Until the baby (congratulations!) is actually here, isn’t there any other topic of conversation they can think of?

I’ve tried to divert it but they (especially sister) keeps changing the subject back round to advice on something. It’s really annoying

So they are giving you advice rather than you asking?

If so, just say ‘it’s fine, I’ll stick the baby in front of Eastenders’ or some other outlandish statement.

Honestly, there’s nothing more boring than other peoples unasked for opinions on babies and children.

Congratulations OP.

I hated these comments too. They don’t even stop once you’ve had the baby. Everyone loves to say “you just wait” continuously.

These comments affected me so much that I wasn’t excited about having my baby. When she was born I was completely fired up on thoughts of “this is going to be harder than I could ever possibly think to imagine”. It made me incredibly anxious. Needlessly. She was an easy baby. She is a low maintenance toddler. I wish I hadn’t given it so much headspace. People love to tell me she will probably become difficult later on. I ignore them now!

Absolutely just avoid all the negative people. You love that baby like the miracle it is and enjoy motherhood like the gift it is!

My baby girl is 7 weeks old, I'm a bit tired but I feel absolutely fine, fit and healthy and always out with my baby enjoying the country side. I'm not stuck in unable to even shower like people said I would be. My daughter took 5 cycles of IVF to conceive and I nearly lost her 3 times. She is a gift that I thank my stars for every day and even though she can be difficult when she won't sleep sometimes and I'm just desperate to sleep even then I'm grateful for her. I didn't know I could love anyone so much and I've never been so happy.

I heard mostly negative things from other parents while I was pregnant and people seem to get joy out of sharing their horror birth stories too like they get a kick out of trying to scare you. Honestly the negativity mostly comes from people who's children were unplanned or they had them because they thought that's what you do when you get to a certain age. Wanted, planned babies coming into stable situations are cherished. So ignore the moaners, they were just unprepared or would rather be doing something other than parenting and neither of those things apply to you so you'll be grand!!

Since my baby has been born those same doom mongerers are now salty that I am happy as Larry and loving motherhood and not a sleep deprived swamp monster who can't make it into the shower and claiming I have an easy baby and theirs was hard. But just wait until the 4 month sleep regression then I'll find out how terrible having a baby is! Eyeroll!! People just can't be happy for others!

Enjoy it and ignore them!

Yes to this. I used to say we’ve ordered a good sleeper and one of those babies that demands no energy. The sarcasm seemed to stop people from going on a little bit.

Just you wait till you hold your newborn in your arms, it’s absolutely incredible.
Just wait till you fall completely in love with your husband again when he makes your baby giggle.
Just wait till you see the world through her eyes as she gets to know her surroundings.
Just wait for the joy of getting to know her likes and dislikes, how best to comfort her, the smell of her head and the squish of her chubby wrists.
Just wait for the exploding feeling in your chest when you see the best part of you in a gorgeous entirely unique person in the world.

You might not find it difficult or exhausting. It might feel like the most natural thing in the world.

In my experience it doesn't get any better as they get older. "Just wait" until the terrible twos, the cost of childcare... They were easy kids? Ha just wait until they're teenagers, etc, etc.

As it happens my kids have been a dream, no trouble at all.

Now they're in their late teens/early 20's I'm getting "just wait" until they get serious girlfriends, they won't want to know DH and I, we can wave goodbye to our really close unit, I'll never hear from them, blah blah.

I never had any of these sort of comments with either of my two. I would just ignore them although they are all correct.

I had it too, it's so weird! I think it's fine (if not always interesting) in context - things like if you think your 5 year old is expensive wait until they're 15 - but it just seems so joy sapping. I remember when DS1 was born and was a relatively good sleeper everyone said wait until the 4 month sleep regression. I tended to just reply "well I'll enjoy this stage while it lasts!" to everything.

Congratulations on the pregnancy @squashedsandwich.
One downside of pregnancy/parenthood is other people's unwanted opinions.

There have been a couple of threads on here with people saying they really wish they'd had an idea of how hard it was all going to be. It's tricky as for every person who sees unwanted advice about things being hard, as a negative thing, there is another person who might be pleased that their friends are being up front and realistic and helping them mentally prepare

I always see people with babies/toddlers saying/posting “why did no one ever tell me…” or “why does no one talk about…” but then see posts like this from pregnant women who don’t want to hear from experienced parents.

YANBU if that’s what you want to do. It’s your prerogative.
It is annoying when people do this. I absolutely hated this, but I have to admit, I have since more or less said it once or twice since 🤦‍♀️
Some people just say it to burst your bubble a bit, which is not very nice and I don’t really know why they do it tbh.
What provoked me to say it was with a close relative who was pregnant with her first and was being a know-all about everything and I ended up getting annoyed.
The thing is, although it’s annoying to hear, it is often true.

these comments are very annoying op. it says a lot about the people making them rather than anything about you and your potential as a parent. try reminding yourself of this in the moment and smile and nod. Perhaps as pp have said they think they’re helping you be prepared. If you don’t take them on (smile, nod, keep morning conversation on) then hopefully they’ll stop in time as it will become boring.

I never say anything like this… though have often thought it. I also think back to my pre parenting ideals and laugh at myself. It’s part of the journey learning these things for yourself and as you say every persons experience will be different so I get why this is annoying.

One downside of pregnancy/parenthood is other people's unwanted opinions.

So true.

I had high need baby/Velcro baby for first it was still great. It is hard work often in ways not predicted by naysayers and you do have rough patches - but I have one an adult at 18 and two late teens and I'm still getting told just you wait. Still the best thing I/we ever did.

I always tell pregnant women how my kids have been the biggest joy of my life and I wouldn't change a thing - because that's true. So just you wait OP. You have all that joy before you.

Congratulations!

Yes but you're only 7 weeks in so of course you're not at the 'stuck in' stage. You're at the absolute easiest stage! And that's not me saying "just you wait" like people have said to OP, that's me saying don't rest on your laurels and start pontificating about how 'easy' it is to have a baby because of your 7 weeks experience. It's not negativity it's honesty.
When my DD was 7 weeks I was happy, radiant even, enjoying our little routine and was loving carrying her around wherever I wanted to go, as she slept. Things changed dramatically at about 3/4 months.

I guess the thing about it being hard is that there's so many ways that it can potentially be hard. Weaning with DS1 was horrific, which I was blindsided by, but a lot of the things more experienced parents did the "just wait" for just weren't our experience. And despite the constant refrains of "every child is different" I remain bamboozled at how DS2, from a newborn, was noticeably an entire different personality from his brother.

The only advice I have given related to the pram that SIL chose, which was far too big for London. And I didn't say "I told you so" when she appeared one day with a yo-yo.

Missing the point entirely but what’s American YouTube? It’s just YouTube….there’s some excellent and very educational stuff on there.

I agree with you. It made me incredibly anxious. Having a baby turned out to be easier than the doom laden warnings of never being able to have a shower again. Just to say I didn't believe this totally as no one I knew was smelly as a young mum.

i dont think it matters if its a 'rainbow baby' or a long awaited baby... its universal the 'just wait brigade' as you call them.

having a baby, no matter its origin or reason is bloody hard work, and lots of people including myself go into it blinding thinking 'how bad can it be'.

congratuations on your impending birth and wish you well with your baby. not all 'just waiters' are ill intentioned..

Agreed! Charlie and the Numbers taught my DD to count to 10 before she was 2

I find most of these type of comments/behaviour are due to people's own experience of parenting (or lack of thereof), rather than being a reflection on your own situation. Personally (after horrendous journey to my DD), I tend go approach it like bad driving on a hospital parking lot - as long as nobody gets hurt, cut them some slack, because you've no idea what's happening behind the screens.