To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

[squashedsandwich]

I’m excitedly preparing for our much-wanted rainbow baby, researching and preparing everything for her arrival in autumn.

I’ve found pregnancy to show other people’s true colours, if that makes sense. Friends I thought would be there are not, but also vice versa.

One thing I am really tired of hearing from people already with kids is, ‘you’ll know when,’ or ‘just wait until’ or ‘wave goodbye to time with your husband’, ‘you’ll never have money again’. Etc. As though at the moment I am naive and ignorant with no idea what to expect. These comments are never made about positive things either.

I am under no illusion that it’s not going to be incredibly tiring and difficult beyond my current level of comprehension, and change our worlds entirely. I have enough of my own worries about that. Why do people make the ‘just wait’ type comments? Does it make them feel better or more validated?

A few of the comments I’ve had I don’t even think are necessarily true or reflective of how I’m going to be as a parent. My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I’ve been ignoring or closing down the comments with ‘I’m sure you’re right’ for a while, but they are starting to get to me. I wondered if AIBU to cut down my time with people that don’t have anything more positive to say?

you're going to be cutting down your time with everyone radically anyway once baby gets here, so may as well start now

see, I seriously doubt that it's always "heavenly".

Some parents genuinely talk like that. You can't blame others for at least rolling their eyes.

This used to really annoy me, probably because I was hormonal and pregnant didn’t help.

It’s just so negative. I can’t imagine any other life decision where people feel to be so negative.

Yes, it’s hard and it’s tiring but it’s also joyful and magical. If it was that hard, we would all have one child families.

Comgrats on your pregnancy x

It was lovely both times after giving birth to be able to lie down comfortably on my back and have scalding hot baths again. And eat raw fish, rare steak and unpasteurised cheese. And have the occasional drink.

Some things got immediately better when the baby arrived 😂.

Glad I had my kid during COVID, nobody had an opinion!
My life didn’t change. It now just includes another person.

I have 3 under 4 OP, we don't have an iPad we eat out often , never have a screen in front of them out and about yes they watch abit of telly at home. Yes it's hard but you'll absolutely love it I'm sure

Sorry, I can’t help myself…..

Just wait…. once they’re born the 18 years of everyone and their dog giving you unsolicited advice on how to raise your child begins…

😜

Ooh those people drive me mad.

I agree it's normally reserved for first time parents. Whenever someone says that to me I say "oh she's my fourth" and it shuts them right up. Same with weird milestone comments

Parenting can be hard, there are bad days but it is also WONDERFUL and so much fun! Even after the bad days I spend my evenings looking at pictures of them 😅

You'll be great ❤️ and even if it isn't at times everything is a phase.

If you want any unsolicited advice mine would be trust your gut - you know your baby better than anyone. Your instincts are almost always correct. And seek help/advice/ support if you need it - there is no shame in saying "I'm having a tough time at the moment"

I'm 8 months at the moment and haven't had too much of this from people I actually know but am sick to the bad teeth of what seems like a constant stream of content of how terrible it is.

At the same I was surprised both by how hard pregnancy has been though I have had a lot of complications and how dismissive or angry women I know even my own mother get when I've said how it been after they've asked me.

Urgh, try to avoid all the negativity. People are negative about lots of things, but especially having kids. I guess they're just making conversation but for some reason it's unusual to say 'i love my kids, they are the best thing ever' 😁

One person said to me when I was pregnant that having kids is 'better than having kittens' (I like cats!) And that's the comment I most relate to now tbh 😂

If it helps, I have a 4 year old and a 15 month old. I am very tired and it's hard work. But I absolutely love them and love spending time with them. I think the more positive you are, and the more you frame everything positively in your mind, the happier you will feel.

for example both kids don't want to sleep alone. We don't fight it. We didn't even bother to try with the second one, just bed shared from the start. Yes they kick me and wake me up sometimes but so do partners. Much less stress trying to get them in a cot, and we all get some sleep. I love the cuddles and I think the kids are more settled from the all night bonding time. As am I, probably!

Childhood is only a few years long. All the tough stages will pass. You will get time back, for example, I can get stuff done with my 4 year old around but not the 15 month old, but I know it will come. One day maybe they won't want to hang out with me anymore and that is much sadder to think about!

My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I'm not sure this was a great example, it makes you sound a bit judgemental yourself.

There is no such thing as American YouTube.

I dunno. I had the opposite experience, everyone told me how wonderful it would be and then when it wasn’t it made me feel like I was broken and I had to hide what a failure I was.

There’s a balance, imo. And unfortunately what works for one person won’t for another. All one can really do is be honest.

@diktat Sorry I am judgemental of people who use tablets for tiny babies.

Opinions are like arseholes OP - everyone's got one.

@ smurfbaby.
.thanks for sharing your thoughts.
"to get joy out of sharing their horror birth
stories too like they get a kick out of trying to scare you."

That's the one which really annoys me. Grown women scaring younger ones with nightmare pregnancies and births.
Most births are straightforward and those which are not are picked up beforehand and plans are made by hospital staff.
I've had 3 babies and the worst that happened was a couple of stitches. But the doom tellers never want to tell common or garden stories like mine.
Life does change after baby arrives but nobody wants to tell the positive tales. My three all slept all night very quickly and had a lengthy afternoon nap as well.But doom tellers don't want to hear about common or garden babies like mine.
They also never speak of a baby's charm, how sweet it is cooing and crowing and squirming with joy when Mum or Dad comes neat. Honestly the contented baby is more common than the difficult one.
My mother used to say if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all. That really applies to the negative about babies brigade.Don't listen to them.

It basically never goes away. Whatever stage your baby/child is at people offer you unwanted advice or bitter remarks. If you say your child is sleeping fine you’ll get the “just wait” comments. You have to learn to block them out! Everyone starts with the same sentence “I will only give you one piece of advice…..” bore off!

God it’s so tedious. After being on the receiving end of similar throughout pregnancy I now make a point of telling new Mums that yeah, there’s all the stuff that you already know is going to be tough but no one actually told me how utterly wonderful it is to have a baby. The warm squishy little body who just wants you, it’s indescribable and just the best thing ever!

I’d love to say it stops but with certain people it doesn’t, I distinctly remember being on my knees with a baby and toddler and zero family help, husband was working away and an acquaintance helpfully told me this was the easy bit, wait until they’re at school dealing with friendship issues then I’ll know how hard parenting is. Those are the people to keep at arms length, and keep the supportive, encouraging ones close!

I actually wrote a post similar to this when I was pregnant. I HATED the negativity. I felt people were sneering and laughing at me and all the horrors that were to come. One thing I realised after and wish I had noticed before so I could have said something is that ALL the people commenting like this had more than one child. So it's obviously not that horrific!

But for context, there are some amazing "just wait" moments. Just wait for the first time your child smiles at you, or calls you mama, or says "I love you" ...

I was adamant I didn't want to lose myself going into motherhood and I haven't. Some people let it become their entire identity and do genuinely never have alone time with their husband again and do nothing for themselves. It's easy to avoid that if you make that choice for you and your family.

Parenting is hard, but it is absolutely amazing! Best of Luck and Congratulations!

I think you're right. I have stepped away from negative people since I was pg with my 2nd dc and my experience of parenting has been so positive without other people dragging me down. She is over 2 now and I feel so much better for surrounding us with our lovely, kind positive bubble and keeping boundaries from that kind of negativity.

With your sister you can surely be straightforward. Tell her how you feel about her remarks and, frankly, nobody should give advice unless it's asked for and then only if they are qualified to do so.

Don't let this spoil your pregnancy which is a wonderful time for most of us. Congratulations!

Lovely post.

How socialised is your dc? Just a friend's dgs is very introvert having been a lockdown baby.

Yes, but a truly light hearted "Oh, just you wait, you'll be shoving your baby in front of YouTube 23 hours a day before you know it!" comment may well be what follows a pregnant woman with no DC saying something like "Well, I'm never going to let my baby watch TV until they're at least 4, don't you know that screentime is terrible for their developing brains? And it will only be organic broccoli at home, they won't know what a chicken nugget is until they're at least 7."

I get that perfect-parent-because-they're-not-yet-a-parent vibe.

We had friends who were like this. One of them actually said "it's not all bad, I suppose there is the odd moment that's worthwhile".

Well, I suppose me and DH did have to "just wait" to see what a load of absolute bollocks misery guts Mike was talking. We still take the piss out of him on a weekly basis.

Congratulations OP!!

I was dreading how my life was going to change after giving birth to my first with all the negative comments and especially because I hated pregnancy, i couldnt imagine it getting harder! but I found it was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting it to be.

Sure, there are days where bedtime can't come soon enough but you know to expect that already!!

I don't know why people feel the need to say these things when you're pregnant and full of hormones, but ignore any negativity as much as possible...just smile and nod.

The only "advice" I'd say is worth listening to is when people say it goes too fast....it truly does! And try not to have too many expectations good or bad, you'll be absolutely fine with whatever experience is thrown your way 🙂