To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

[squashedsandwich]

I’m excitedly preparing for our much-wanted rainbow baby, researching and preparing everything for her arrival in autumn.

I’ve found pregnancy to show other people’s true colours, if that makes sense. Friends I thought would be there are not, but also vice versa.

One thing I am really tired of hearing from people already with kids is, ‘you’ll know when,’ or ‘just wait until’ or ‘wave goodbye to time with your husband’, ‘you’ll never have money again’. Etc. As though at the moment I am naive and ignorant with no idea what to expect. These comments are never made about positive things either.

I am under no illusion that it’s not going to be incredibly tiring and difficult beyond my current level of comprehension, and change our worlds entirely. I have enough of my own worries about that. Why do people make the ‘just wait’ type comments? Does it make them feel better or more validated?

A few of the comments I’ve had I don’t even think are necessarily true or reflective of how I’m going to be as a parent. My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I’ve been ignoring or closing down the comments with ‘I’m sure you’re right’ for a while, but they are starting to get to me. I wondered if AIBU to cut down my time with people that don’t have anything more positive to say?

And just to say, some are saying you will have hard times. But even if you did not have a baby you would have hard times, just different ones. Life is at times lovely, at other times lovely with hard bits, and at other times just hard. That is life. But Ia m sure you will enjoy your much wanted baby.

Ignore ignore ignore. People are often dicks, who like to complain.

They’ll tell you all the negatives, then their awful labour stories. I’d suggest a hand up and “I don’t want to hear this thank you! We’re very excited about our baby arriving and I don’t want to hear any negative stories”

I’ve got a WONDERFUL little toddler, who I absolutely adore. The number of people who say “terrible twos” when they’ve asked how old he is makes me want to throttle them. I always respond with “No, not at all! We’re loving watching him develop his own personality” - it floors people, which is sad.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s hard. But it’s AMAZING and such a privilege to be a parent.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

They are managing your expectations. Often people who have struggled to conceive have a focus on it which is hard to meet.

Second, don't say how you will parent. Everyone is a perfect parent until they have a child. Maybe yours will never watch YouTube. But maybe you'll be at the end of your tether and they will.

Just divert, deflect, ignore.

I was thinking the same. It's so bloody hard, and even when you know that it can be a shock how all encompassing it is.

OP, your first paragraph makes me think your friends and family might think you've been a little naive and are trying to prepare you. I've known more than one friend struggle to have a baby and then find it incredibly difficult when they finally had their baby and it wasn't the idyll they'd imagined.

The reality is that no one knows what sort of baby they will have and what sort of parent they will be until they're living it day-by-day.

So they're wrong to tell you "just wait..." but you may also rethink some of your theoretical parenting choices when your baby arrives. Or you may not. Nobody knows.

I was a fantastic parent to my hypothetical kid and like to think I'm an adequate parent to my actual ones. But the former definitely got better "parenting" 😂. Most parents would probably admit to this.

But I'd never say "just wait" as it's intensely irritating and I don't believe in giving advice (unless it's something immediately useful like "the 3yo has locked herself in the bathroom, how do I remove the locking mechanism so we can get her out?"). You'll work out your own way like most parents do, and it won't be your friend's/family's.

Of course I haven't done the whole hog yet, but all the people who said I'd have a mental breakdown by week 3, it's impossible to have a wash with a newborn, it's impossible to get out the house with a newborn and it's impossible to get any sleep with a newborn we're all wrong because that stage has passed, and I actually know that what they said would happen didn't happen and was doom mongering that never came to be. So extrapolating from that I'm willing to believe a lot of other parenting doom mongering is also not true, because people enjoy shitting on others. As has been confirmed by other posters saying they have older children and all the bad stuff still never came true even 10 years in.

So we'll see if all these miserable wait and see parents or right or not. But they were categorically wrong about the newborn phase of my babies life. And equally, there are a lot of parent in my life that have nothing but positive things to say about parenthood and adore mothering. So clearly it is not a given that it will be shit.

Me neither...
Maybe you surround yourself with the wrong people, op? They sound like halfwits.

I can see that being tiring if unsolicited

BUT

If you’re saying things like …

My baby won’t have a dummy
My baby won’t have a tablet
Im going to gentle parent

The people you’re talking to are probably in the thick of it.

It IS really hard at times and it can be a grind. Life changes for a long time. Sleep deprivation, can’t eat a decent meal, house destroyed, strain on relationships.

BUT I’m on holiday watching my two girls in the pool and it’s ALL worth it for times like this.

Kids ARE hard work but they are a blessing.

Congratulations 💗

Tbh I think the types of people who say "just wait until [insert something negative]" are often negative types of people generally anyway. They can't bear to see someone happy or excited so they like to rain on their parade. That's how I see them, to the point I adopted an attitude of pitying the person as the way I saw it, they must feel quite unhappy in their own lives to make these comments. That or they genuinely think they're doing you a favour by "warning" you, in which case they're tone deaf if you are trying to change the subject and they persist. Totally get your frustration!

Yeah, some people always like to ve negative

My kids have been a doddle to look after, now late teens

The "‘you’ll never have money again’." line winds me up. I know money is very important and good to have, but I feel the people who say this put money above absolutely everything. It's such a vacuous mindset.

I see both sides to this.

On the one hand people can be incredibly negative unnecessarily, however on the other I do think parenting is often glamourised on social media and mums can often feel a bit rubbish if their experiences don't quite match what they see online.
This is why people can often be brutally honest about how shit being a parent can be, so it sort of makes everyone feel better if they're having a particularly bad day.

You can avoid them, but there will be some element of truth to some of it.

Blimey, aren't some people absolute thieves of joy?

I think I'd respond - in your place and with your previous sadness - with "Yep, can't wait for ALL of it!"

Reply with sarcastic over the top response like yeah I'll have to just sedate them to keep them quiet.

And then try to ignore them. Motherhood is the most joyful thing in the world. It can make you feel such love and pure happiness. So many songs, poems and stories have been written about it because of just how much deep pure happiness it can bring to your life. You have such love and joy ahead of you.

And it is obviously not true. I don't see mums walking around in rags, never able to buy a coffee or have a meal out, never able to go on holiday. Yes you have less disposable income, everyone knows that. It is the hyperbole I hate.

These sort of comments are not exclusive to parenting, why do we do it as a society, it's a strange form of conversation- seeing the negative.

Examples recently from my own life: I work from home now, never used to. People constantly pour water on how lonely it is, how I will gain weight, blah blah blah. I'm actually enjoying it for many reasons!

Holiday: oooh be careful there, my sisters aunties friends got terrible sunburn, the sand there isn't beautiful golden sand, the airport is a nightmare at this time of year. Yawwwn.

But over the years had so many similar conversations about pets, children, renting, buying, a fringe, investing, not investing. I could go on 😆

@Barnabyby nobody's life is how it seems on social media. I post photos of when we have had a day out and a nice time. Of course I don't post photos of crying children, me doing the dishes, our house looking a tip, etc.

I expect they’re trying to be helpful but it’s a real shame. It’s such an exciting time, you should be able to enjoy it. Especially when a baby is wanted so much, they’re not telling you anything you don’t already know. All I can say is congratulations and enjoy this wonderful happy time.

I agree OP, I’m also pregnant with my first and it’s really fucking annoying. It’s almost like people are trying to ensure I’m not too happy about the whole thing. I’m aware parenting is very hard, but if it’s so utterly shit and soul destroying like many people claim, why go on to have more than one?!

Some kids are easy, some are difficult. Some people find parenting easy, some people find it difficult.

The problem - and it's visible in several comments on this thread - is that some people generalise from their own particular situation and apply it to everyone else. Because THEY find having a newborn dead easy/hellish, the same must apply to everyone else and so forth...

The truth is that people differ in what they are capable of dealing with. Also you learn to parent the child you have, which is why people find other people's children harder to deal with.

I had a 'spirited' DC1 who would cause merry hell in public places when younger and I'd spend most of my time sprinting after them. Ran everywhere, climbed everywhere, touched everything. People commiserated with how hard it must be for me. But that child slept like a log and was good as gold at home - never whined, played independently, needed very little attention. My DC2 is a little ray of sunshine and good as gold in public - listens, follows instructions, never acts up, a cautious, careful child. But DC2 is a terrible sleeper and quite 'needy' (for want of a better word) at home, so that's tough to deal with.

You'll just develop to parent the child you get.

I've always found this to be so annoying - everyone's experience of having kids is so different it really isn't relevant what someone else's experience was like.

What I can tell you is that being a mother is a unique and incredible experience.
It's more likely to be a mix of hard, brilliant, challenging, heartwarming, hilarious moments, all wrapped up in the most consuming type of love you'll ever know.

You definitely don't need to budget for a tablet, that's some pretty awful advice tbh. Neither of mine have ever had one but if you do decide to get one, presumably it won't be the minute she's born anyway - you'll have time to save for whatever you think she may need 🙂

Just wait for her first smile!!!! 😉

Ime the first child was the wrecking-ball that destroyed our carefully constructed adult life. DC2 just added to the general carnage 😂. Going from 1 to 2 wasn't a big jump for us though I know others who did find it hard.

Plus they're very very cute and hormones kick in.

Equally there was a post thread this morning about how no one warned her how hard parenting was! The truth is people do try to give bits of advice but many soon to be or early parents don’t want to listen.

I do laugh a bit in my head when a mum of 1 baby a few weeks old goes on about how easy parenting is, but I just let them get on with it. It’s not my place to enlighten them about how it could or might differ.

The thing is that mother of a young baby might continue to find parenting easy. The harsh truth is some people are better at parenting than others are. And I myself am middling.

I'd never heard the term rainbow baby. In that case both my dcs are as mc before both.

Congratulations OP. I'm sure you'll be fine. All babies are different so no one knows what they'll get. Ds1 dreadful sleeper screamed lots but then a dream child and is as an adult. Ds2 perfect baby and is a perfect adult. Had blips but that's through anxiety but he's OK now thank goodness. Both have great jobs and friends.

Yes parenthood is worrying and the worries just change. Worth it though.