To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

[squashedsandwich]

I’m excitedly preparing for our much-wanted rainbow baby, researching and preparing everything for her arrival in autumn.

I’ve found pregnancy to show other people’s true colours, if that makes sense. Friends I thought would be there are not, but also vice versa.

One thing I am really tired of hearing from people already with kids is, ‘you’ll know when,’ or ‘just wait until’ or ‘wave goodbye to time with your husband’, ‘you’ll never have money again’. Etc. As though at the moment I am naive and ignorant with no idea what to expect. These comments are never made about positive things either.

I am under no illusion that it’s not going to be incredibly tiring and difficult beyond my current level of comprehension, and change our worlds entirely. I have enough of my own worries about that. Why do people make the ‘just wait’ type comments? Does it make them feel better or more validated?

A few of the comments I’ve had I don’t even think are necessarily true or reflective of how I’m going to be as a parent. My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I’ve been ignoring or closing down the comments with ‘I’m sure you’re right’ for a while, but they are starting to get to me. I wondered if AIBU to cut down my time with people that don’t have anything more positive to say?

Just wait, in a few years you will be the one saying just wait ... Even if you don't say you wil be thinking it 😁 Mother of teens here.
The new one I hear now is that you NEVER stop worrying. From the moms of 30 years olds! And I just know it is going to turn up to be true too
Welcome to being a parent
It is still worderfull.
All the best for you and your baby

@squashedsandwich just wait till you discover how much incredible LOVE you have for your baby. However much you loved your Mum, your grandparents, your darlising sibling, your life partner, NOTHING will compare to this. Your heart will be full.

I will pass on the ONLY relevant wisdom I got given when mine was small...from a little old lady total stranger ...

"Your baby's eyebrows are turning red - that means they need a nap".

And, even when they didn't seem sleepy it worked!

You just need to say thanks then totally ignore any advice you choose and especially ignore those who are full of portents of doom!

As much as I love being a mother and it really is the best thing I ever did - and I lived a very fulfilling life prior to this - I must say some of the very starry eyed reflections on motherhood here, as lovely and true as they can be sometimes, would have been more damaging to me in the newborn day as I didn’t experience this baby bubble so many talk about. I had a pretty horrendous birth experience and newborn period and actually hearing from others that I wasn’t alone in feeling the way I did made things slightly better. Just a different perspective. So I don’t think people can win sometimes.

When the next naysayer speaks ask them "are there moments of pure joy that they didn't expect"?

I don't have any advice but I like the phrase "just wait" brigade, never noticed this one before but i will now!
I always talk about the 'they say" brigade... "they say you should always/never/sometimes [insert unasked for advice here]". 'They" have been saying something different for decades!

Oh those people are absolutely the worst. Unfortunately they don't tend to stop when the baby is born. They're miseries who want to drag everyone else down with them.

When you're the target, all you can really do is cut the conversation short by either forcing a subject change or just leaving the conversation. Don't rise to it or contradict them, they won't listen to you as they've decided they know it all.

But when you see people doing it to others in future, speak up! There was a real misery at playgroup who always told the mums with tiny babies that everything got worse once they could move and have their own opinions. Basically their child was an inconvenience once they weren't a potato. I always made a point of joining it and sharing all the wonderful things about that age/stage and beyond.

(I wouldn’t have done it if this woman was just mentioning a struggle she had, but she was definitely a “just you wait”-er who enjoyed scaring others because she did it constantly and gleefully).

Everyone says how annoying it is but then we all unintentionally become one of those people!
I think parenting brings about feelings that no one can actually prepare you for both very positive but also on occasion very negative reasons. Sometimes it can be hard to put into words and you find yourself saying “just wait…” because it’s hard to even describe it until you have felt it and once you get there you’ll know exactly what they were trying to tell you. I don’t think it’s with malice at all. You’ll probably catch yourself saying it sometime in the future and you’ll have a little laugh to yourself.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult experience and I can see where you're coming from that everyone else saying how wonderful it is when you're struggling can make you feel worse, however when you're really struggling someone saying "just you wait" it will only get worse is going to be equally damaging and make people dread the future when they should be looking forward to it.

So while acknowledging the difficult parts is helpful, it is completely inappropriate to pile on with just you wait from all angles which is what the thread is about.

People can very much win by just not saying negative things to pregnant women and young mothers unless asked.