To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

[squashedsandwich]

I’m excitedly preparing for our much-wanted rainbow baby, researching and preparing everything for her arrival in autumn.

I’ve found pregnancy to show other people’s true colours, if that makes sense. Friends I thought would be there are not, but also vice versa.

One thing I am really tired of hearing from people already with kids is, ‘you’ll know when,’ or ‘just wait until’ or ‘wave goodbye to time with your husband’, ‘you’ll never have money again’. Etc. As though at the moment I am naive and ignorant with no idea what to expect. These comments are never made about positive things either.

I am under no illusion that it’s not going to be incredibly tiring and difficult beyond my current level of comprehension, and change our worlds entirely. I have enough of my own worries about that. Why do people make the ‘just wait’ type comments? Does it make them feel better or more validated?

A few of the comments I’ve had I don’t even think are necessarily true or reflective of how I’m going to be as a parent. My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I’ve been ignoring or closing down the comments with ‘I’m sure you’re right’ for a while, but they are starting to get to me. I wondered if AIBU to cut down my time with people that don’t have anything more positive to say?

That is lovely. Well said (written)

Interesting comment. The thing is... in isolation things are good/bad, but as a parent you don't deal in absolutes, just in "least worst" outcomes.

So "American YouTube" bad, but what if the baby is screaming their head off, you're going stir-crazy, your partner is working late and you have a toddler who needs fed and bathed or an older child who needs help with their homework?

What is worse? Tablet time + toddler fed/homework done, or No table time + you're sitting crying in the bathroom + toddler not fed/homework not done + everyone still awake at 10pm.

I've had my older child fall asleep in school before because the baby wouldn't settle for hours, I fell asleep settling the baby and older child watched cartoons until midnight (huge parenting fail there 😂). I've put the baby in a bouncer in front of the TV because the alternative was leaving them in their cot to cry because I just couldn't cope anymore. And there does come a point at which you need to shower if you're not managing to...

@Smurf1993 oof that's a bit of a kick in the balls to parents with unplanned babies to suggest planned babies are more cherished. My 18 year old son was the product of a one night stand and I love him more than life itself. I describe him as a gift too. There is absolutely no difference in my feelings towards him or my younger DD who was planned and the product of a (then) loving stable relationship.

I'd looked after young my nieces from being a teenager and always knew I wanted kids. I took to parenthood like a duck to water. It's the most challenging but also most rewarding thing I've ever done. I raised him completely alone without his dad and we're still incredibly close. I'd walk over hot coals for him (and DD). It's not about how a child's conceived, it's what you do once they're here! And something can be incredibly special and very hard - the two aren't mutually exclusive.

Majority of people mean well. Just smile and nod at the naysayers or doom-mongers. Mainly ignore people like that though it is probably coming from their own experiences. They are probably trying to warn you but it is draining if it happens a lot.

When I was about eight months pregnant with my first waiting for my midwife appointment in my GPs, there was a young woman who proceeded to tell me in minute, excruciating detail that i would only tell close family or a doctor everything that went wrong with her labour )tear size, blood loss etc…). It was probably from a place of trauma and I listened very politely, nodding and saying,‘that must have been tough’ for about five minutes and then thought, no why am I putting up with this extremely insensitive tirade? And when she drew breath, very calmly said’ I do hope you don’t think I am being rude, I am so glad you and yourr baby are fine now but this conversation is very insensitive to have with an eight month pregnant first-time mum, so I am going to have to ask you to stop telling me’. The look on her face was priceless and it was empowering for me. So you do have to show up for yourself with assertiveness at times. Decide on your core values and parenting style. Listen to those who have your interests at heart and may have some good advice and just get on with it.

Phrases like the ones below are very useful:

‘I’ll certainly bear that in mind, thanks’
‘it works for us’.
‘mmm, I have heard that mentioned before’

The most authoritative advice I can remember receiving was about how to get my (4th!) child into a sleeping routine - from a man who had no children, nieces, nephews or siblings, nor training nor work history involving children. I thanked him rather stiffly for sharing the benefit of his extensive experience.

You probably don't need to be warned that babies do things like poo and puke and cry at inconvenient moments, but outside that yours will be a unique human being with behaviours that fall somewhere within a wide range of norms. If it's not all sunshine and rainbows it doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. If you're not suffering "enough" that doesn't mean you're doing something wrong either. And if you've found the magic formula that works with your child, be happy but don't judge those parents for whom it doesn't. I can't begin to express how different mine all were and it caught me by surprise every time! They all had their unique ways, their charms and maddening quirks, and they've all grown up to be lovely human beings (probably despite rather than because of their parents).

As for money, isn't the best use of it to share with those you love?

I find parenting far easier than IVF and miscarriages and am happy to say that to anyone who tries to "just you wait" me at the various stages of parenthood!

“So ignore the moaners, they were just unprepared”

Erm, people who find things difficult are not necessarily ‘unprepared’. It’s usually chance whether you get a baby you are merrily be up and about with from day one, or whether you have issues feeding and get PND, etc.

I agree people shouldn’t scare new mums though, although some would then complain that nobody told them ‘the truth’!

alrightlove, yes I’ve heard from the public health nurse that it‘s something they’ve really noticed with other kid’s my lad’s age (he’s four now). Shyness & social difficulties.

Luckily, for us, our little fella is extremely outgoing, always has been. I loved the bubble when he was small, and I had extra maternity leave too. So, it worked out well for us.

Get used to it OP and rise above it. It will continue. I remember telling someone I was having a tough time with a toddler and she said 'at least you know where they are..' she had young adults. Ffs its her self inflicted anxiety about another adults' whereabouts, its ridiculous to compare. I overhead two people talking only this week at an exercise class, one mentioned something about her 5 year old and the other woman said 'enjoy it at that age, wait till they are teenagers and the trouble starts'. Clearly she couldn't cope with her teenagers and presumed everyone was the same. It's always their issue, not yours.

I remember this. When I was expecting my first baby some people (mainly family members) went on and on delightedly as if they couldn’t wait for it all to be awful.

They all eventually shut up with the know it all comments when my ‘second’ baby was twins and I ended up with 3 under 3yrs. Nothing further unhelpful to add I guess, since I overtook them all in that situation

Nevertheless I’ve always been careful never to say anything like it to another new mum. You’ll find your own way and it will be fine. Just ignore them all. Good luck ! 😊

People are full of doom. Just ignore, yes it’s hard but we wouldn’t do it multiple times if the benefits didn’t outweigh the hard days

@Smurf1993 my wanted, cherished baby nearly broke me. Fortunately my own mother had a similar experience (I got my comeuppance ) and so I was prepared but I don't pull any punches when discussing the baby years because I don't think it does women any favours to pretend early motherhood is all snuggles and bonding.

Stick with MN OP. Trust me, this is only the beginning of unwanted input from others.

I would say trust your instincts. Listen to advice that makes sense to you, and not worry too much. I got so twisted into knots with worry when my DC1 was born. I was always comparing myself to others and him to others. I went to ALL the baby groups (mistake- there was always a Queen Bee who had to lord it over everyone with her superior parenting and also loads of children who just did things differently to mine and I would panic and worry and google).

You are going to be fine. Shut down unwanted conversations 'Right now I am trying to focus on our excitement so please don't piss on my chips' or a more polite variation of that may work.

I think people say it because having child is one of the most life altering things you can choose to do. Most people have no idea how much until it happens. I was completely unprepared for the reality vs my imagination of having a baby. They all want to share that experience with the uninitiated!

I loved the baby and toddler stages with mine. It's hard at times but everything is a stage and once you settle to being a parent then you just grow as a parent alongside the child. A bad stage doesn't last long.

Just ignore them. We had family say these things to us when I was pregnant with our first. Then when we loved the baby stage, it was 'oh but wait til he's a toddler. Then when we enjoyed that and I was pregnant with our second, it's was 'oh wait til you've got two to cope with'. We still loved it, so then it was 'wait til they're blah blah blah'. It continued til our kids were teens and were still great kids and we were still happy. Then these relatives finally shut up. My brother in particular seemed disappointed that we have enjoyed being parents and that our kids didn't go off the rails at any point.

Your sister may be feeling something similar from the opposite side - e.g. that you are judging her because her kids watch YouTube which is very easy to do until you've been there and it gave you a desperately needed 30 mins extra sleep in the morning

@Gowlett that's good to hear

Ours is three so a 2021 baby and as outgoing as can be, but we did end up under SALT for a speech delay, once he started play groups he was fine though, made me out to be a right fibber he did!

It's really tedious.

Well I will just say:

Just you wait until you have the perfect baby who sleeps through the night from just a few weeks old, smiles all the time, makes all the old ladies go "aaah" and grows into a lovely preschooler to primary school aged to tween to teen to adult child you enjoy spending time with.

And ignore all the advice. Just take the bits you like.

I quite like the response of a pp "it's ok I'll shove him in front of Eastenders" or whatever

Personally I enjoyed my babies and didn’t find it particularly hard at all.

Yes.

I was lucky enough to be in this position also.

A friend of mine who also had a newborn asked what I did all day as they were bored.

I think that morning I'd spent about an hour cuddling & watching them sleep after feeding them😊😂

Nobody ever made any such comments to me.

Congratulations op! 🙌💐

For telling the truth? How does that make me smug?

Amazing! I'm so happy for you,! I'm sure someone will come to piss on your chips but you keep loving motherhood!

I didn't even need to read past the title to know what this would be about. god I hated them. I vowed never to be like that when I'm older! You can only experience what you're going through right now!

Congrats on the baby

You’ll never get away from the comments, and when your child gets older you’ll still get them.

You just have to accept the kind advice (trust me advice is very welcome!) and ignore the negativity.

People act like you have no idea what you’ve got yourself in for and act like how will you cope but you will…

Everyone told us kiss goodbye to our sleep, our DC slept through from 2 weeks old… 10 hours a night. Can’t remember the last time we did a night feeding.

Everyone told us say goodbye to the holidays, we don’t go as much but DC has been to about 3 countries now and he is still toddler.

A lot of parenthood is tough, there’s no denying some days are rough and exhausting. But everyone has a different baby, different experience.