To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

[squashedsandwich]

I’m excitedly preparing for our much-wanted rainbow baby, researching and preparing everything for her arrival in autumn.

I’ve found pregnancy to show other people’s true colours, if that makes sense. Friends I thought would be there are not, but also vice versa.

One thing I am really tired of hearing from people already with kids is, ‘you’ll know when,’ or ‘just wait until’ or ‘wave goodbye to time with your husband’, ‘you’ll never have money again’. Etc. As though at the moment I am naive and ignorant with no idea what to expect. These comments are never made about positive things either.

I am under no illusion that it’s not going to be incredibly tiring and difficult beyond my current level of comprehension, and change our worlds entirely. I have enough of my own worries about that. Why do people make the ‘just wait’ type comments? Does it make them feel better or more validated?

A few of the comments I’ve had I don’t even think are necessarily true or reflective of how I’m going to be as a parent. My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I’ve been ignoring or closing down the comments with ‘I’m sure you’re right’ for a while, but they are starting to get to me. I wondered if AIBU to cut down my time with people that don’t have anything more positive to say?

Ds1 was shoved in front of the tv at weeks old. Only thing that kept him quiet. I was scared he'd talk like a teletubby but was fully conversational at 18mths and is extremely intelligent. I was judged but so fuck.

I hated them too.

Then I quickly understood.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I also haaate this attitude. I think people are often excited to have something to share and relate to you about but some they really do need to think before they speak! I luckily didn't have it too much when pregnant but find that certain people love to tell me to 'just wait' and that things are only going to get harder as my kids get older. For example, when my dd was 2yo and I was working full time and struggling with burnout, a relative who I was confiding in told me that it was only going to get harder to juggle everything as she got older. Maybe that's true but in the moment it was like a slap across the face.

FYI, we do not own an iPad!! Totally fine if that works for some parents but it's definitely not a necessary baby item haha.

Yes it makes them feel superior to you, in the know, part of a club of worldly ‘mamas’ who are waaaayyyy further down the line than you and they’re so experienced now they could change a baby’s nappy without ever having to use a changing mat, they’d just change it with one hand and the other arm tied behind their back. Honestly… I would, in hindsight, just keep saying ‘fuck off’ to them all. They’re insufferable and they know nothing more than you do. Laugh at them, even f it’s just on the inside. And congratulations! I’m so excited for you! ♥️

I find it interesting that new parents don't want to hear "just you wait". Did you listen, did you support when they were struggling with what they're warning you of? Or did you coo over the cute baby photos? You want support now, but did you give support when it was their turn?

Smug comment of the year winner

@meandkarmavibe except that was her experience. Where she has went wrong is universalising that experience.

And also hilarious 😂.

Every pregnant woman gets it.

Brushing off 99.9% of the 'advice' as unlikely to be relevant and try to see it as a right of passage, OP.

It's annoying, yes. This isn't a time for being annoyed, though!

It would be totally fine without this bit "Once you establish a routine the baby will thrive on it and there’ll be time for yourself"

Perhaps Gina Ford wrote it

Hi OP, what support were you seeking?

personally no body particularly paid attention to my pregnancy apart from my DH and me! I know it sounds weird but we just got on with it. Try to ignore people. You’ll do what you do!

pS don’t judge your sister too much!

Don't stress it OP! I have children and those statements drive me mad.

People will find a way to say them constantly...

"Life is hard with a newborn and a toddler"...
"Wait until they are both moving!"

"I am tired"
"Wait until you have three children, rather than two!"

Parents like to make out it is the hardest thing in the world for some reason.

It’s stupid really because in a way they are right, it’s so bloody hard, but the things I was expecting to find hard I found easy, and things I couldn’t ever dream of as even being a problem before are soooooo freaking hard. The point is you don’t know what is going to be hard for you and what isn’t, so their advice is pointless. It won’t be the same things for you as it was for them. You also don’t know what temperament your child will have and how they will differ to their babies.
As an example I heard constantly “just wait until she’s walking, things will be so much harder”. They weren’t, they were so much easier. For a start she was late walking because she had no need to, the girl could bloody teleport with her crawling and wanted to climb EVERYTHING so I was constantly chasing her around saving her life at every turn, but she hated being confined to the buggy if we went anywhere because she wanted to be out crawling/climbing, which she obviously couldn’t do and that meant frustration and…. TANTRUMS!!! My god, the tantrums. But tantrums that pretty much disappeared when she started walking and I could let her toddle around. So they were very wrong on that “just wait until…” front.

Parenting is making it up as you go and anyone who says differently doesn’t have children. As much as they probably mean well from a place of wanting to maybe prepare you/knowledge share, the fact remains that nothing can prepare you for the things you will find easy or difficult. But you’ll get there in your own way, facing your own specific set of challenges, and in the end you’ll be absolutely FINE.

But yes- unfortunately get used to everyone having an opinion on absolutely every one of your parenting choices, however big or small. Mark my words, she’ll barely have left the womb and the next thing will be how long you should or shouldn’t wait for baby number 2 🤣

I think these comments are often not meant personally and just reflective of how they feel. It’s quite often just filler in a conversation and I don’t think the people think so seriously about them.

Just you wait… until the baby is here and you get unsolicited advice from total strangers!

In one rage making incident a man in a queue told me my (mildly fussy because she was sick and I was buying medicine) toddler needed a good smack because that’s what children need.

It never stops - the only thing you can do is develop a really thick skin and learn to tune them all out.

I think for some parents it is the hardest thing in the world. But not for everyone.

Welcome to parenthood

i wish people had told me that it can be really hard, that I might not fall in love with my baby immediately, that breast feeding could be really painful and difficult, that the exhaustion would make me feel like a zombie. I say this because all I heard was how wonderful it all was, how much i would adore my child the instant it was born, that maternal instinct would mean that I would always understand the meaning of my baby's cries. I felt like a failure and sometimes I even felt like a monster because I wasn't a natural mother and I struggled. However I never say this to anyone who is pregnant, I am always very happy for them and say that they will find their own path as a parent

Everyone has a different experience, so they don't know you'll have a nightmare time. I found having a baby ok, but having a baby and toddler incredibly hard. Some people breeze through having a baby and toddler. I found the teenage years fine though. (Dds are 17 and 20 now) Some people find teenage dc awful though.

If people are making you unhappy best to avoid them I'd say.

I think some things are just stock phrases that people say meaning no malice & perhaps thinking that they are being humorous.

I really don't remember this at all thought tbh.

I'm probably looking back with rose tinted specs but on the whole I don't remember it being that hard-apart from when my PFB decided to feed 2hrly through the night!

I don't always think these comments are coming from a place of malice. It's becoming a topic of conversation where you can't do right for wrong. If you don't acknowledge or talk about impending baby - people will get annoyed. If you talk too much about it - people will get annoyed. If you are honest about what its like to have a new baby - people will get annoyed. If you lie and say everything is amazing all the time - people will get annoyed.

In your case OP it's probably best to just set your boundaries with these people and any topics of conversation you are not happy with just let them know.

I’m too old to know who Gina Ford is, but I did establish a routine, my two babies thrived and there was time for myself lol 🙄

It can hardly escaped your notice that that doesn't work on all babies though? And that's not a generational or trend driven thing, it didn't work on me 40 years ago.

So did I, but routines don't always work for every baby so wouldn't share it

And you can't keep a teenager in a routine

Personally I enjoyed my babies and didn’t find it particularly hard at all. Of course it’s tiring in the early days when they need so many feeds, but apart from that…

IMO there’s far too much stress on MN on how difficult babies and children are. They aren’t all difficult by any means.
Even my teen dds weren’t a pain at all - I do get fed up with MNers saying teen girls (in particular) are bound to be a nightmare.