To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

[squashedsandwich]

I’m excitedly preparing for our much-wanted rainbow baby, researching and preparing everything for her arrival in autumn.

I’ve found pregnancy to show other people’s true colours, if that makes sense. Friends I thought would be there are not, but also vice versa.

One thing I am really tired of hearing from people already with kids is, ‘you’ll know when,’ or ‘just wait until’ or ‘wave goodbye to time with your husband’, ‘you’ll never have money again’. Etc. As though at the moment I am naive and ignorant with no idea what to expect. These comments are never made about positive things either.

I am under no illusion that it’s not going to be incredibly tiring and difficult beyond my current level of comprehension, and change our worlds entirely. I have enough of my own worries about that. Why do people make the ‘just wait’ type comments? Does it make them feel better or more validated?

A few of the comments I’ve had I don’t even think are necessarily true or reflective of how I’m going to be as a parent. My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I’ve been ignoring or closing down the comments with ‘I’m sure you’re right’ for a while, but they are starting to get to me. I wondered if AIBU to cut down my time with people that don’t have anything more positive to say?

Oh you’ll also get the “I know better” comments soon when babies here, from family members and friends who have had children already.

Some of the advice is meant kindly, again as I say advice does really help. Some will look down on you “oh god I wouldn’t do that… ”

Just say, thanks but that’s what we’re trying / doing 😊

These are comments from unhappy people. Their unhappiness might not even have anything to do with their kids. They're just choosing to focus on that and then to focus on you, pregnant woman, as a symbol of parenthood.

Some of the advice you get will be useful. Some of it won't. Some people will just want to wish the best for you and will say things like "enjoy your baby". Those, are the ones I remember, even now mine have grown.

Take what words work for you, discard the rest. And enjoy your baby 😉

Because your friend was struggling and made a comment about what she couldn't do for herself. You show little empathy for her and just talk about you had no such trouble. Some babies don't fall into a routine.

Me too. I had my SIL and MIL messaging constantly after my first was born saying how they know how I feel, it’s awful, the drudgery, the boredom, the crying etc.

I honestly didn’t know what they were talking about. I was having a whale of a time chilling with my baby, pottering around, I couldn’t have felt more content.

I was a crumpled up half dead hysterical mess with a baby that didn't sleep, and people were doing that to me. I don't speak to them much now .

Think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick or I didn’t explain the situation properly. We didn’t have babies at the same time. She had hers some years before when she was living with her parents so had extra help. Course I wouldn’t say that to anyone who was struggling! Of course that would be smug.

Congratulations on your baby!

How horrible of people! I had IVF twins in my forties and nobody said anything like that! My DSis did lend me a 'how to raise a baby' book which was so brilliant and invaluable, I wish I could remember its name to recommend to others. But none of my siblings offered advice unless I asked, despite them all having children before I did.

FWIW, I had no problems with the C-section and although I had to bottle feed which wasn't my first choice - it did make things really easy. It was a hot summer and we spent most of the first few months either playing on a blanket in the garden, or them sleeping in a moses basket in the shade while I tidied the garden. Sleep deprivation only lasted a month or two.

I know all babies are different and I was lucky - but scaremongering before your LO is even here sounds like a competitive race to the bottom. Please don't let it spoil what should be an amazing and exciting time!

Here's my thought. If they haven't lost a baby, they haven't got a bloody clue what you are going through. I was terrified all through my 2nd pregnancy. I couldn't bear another loss. But the moment she was here, the door closed on all that sorrow and grief. And I spent the next months completely blissed out, counting my blessings and thanking my lucky stars that it had worked this time. And that sustained me through everything. She wasn't that easy a baby, and was a challenging kid. Her sister was born with disabilities four years later, due to obstetric mismanagement. (Both in their 30s now and our pride and joy.) So ignore these people. Their journey is not like yours. They know nothing

Hi op,

she means well. As it is a relative, she thinks it is best that she tells you straight. So many people will tell you how « amazingly joyful » it is…only later to tell you that they found it hellish 🤣🤣

I would swap the « bad and warning comments » being good friends and the one « nive and oveely joyful » for more superficial relationships. I think you decided oppositely…don’t brush them off just yet! You might find that you need their advice if one of the thing they said is true for you…

that said…as they are open with you, just reciprocate :) « Thank you for your honesty, I feel I need a bit more happy prep though as it starts to get to me »…and then you will find out whom are your friends. The ones whom heard you. The ones whom don’t burden you with their own struggles at a times of vulnerability.

Good luck 🌺

Huge congratulations! I just used to say at the start of a catch up with such people “Please can we talk about anything other than babies?” I would have loved to have talk about babies but these comments are inevitably said. They didn’t bother me that much tbf. They are all true though and I also thought I’d never use a screen.

I used to find this so annoying too. In fact the negativity from parents about their children stopped me from having kids until I was 37 and boy do I regret it. I’m telling you having kids is the most amazing thing in the world, I don’t care how tiring it can be and how non stop it is, they are so worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing. That’s coming from a single mom of a 5 and 6 year old who rarely gets a break.
believe me you are about to embark on the most amazing time of your life. Ignore the negativity and embrace every second. Congrats

Id just ignore them, having an baby is an amazing time in your life, and congrats so happy for you and wish you the best xx

Ahh do you know what, some people are just dicks for the sake of it. I’ve got twins and it was a struggle in the early days, I remember people saying ‘oh it will get harder’. Well it hasn’t, it has got much easier and they are the most lovely boys to be around. Yeah there will be difficult stages when they’re teens but I’m not sure why people have to be so doom and gloom about everything. Enjoy your baby x

I will say that when I was pregnant with DD1, someone asked me me if this was my first baby. When I said yes she laughed. I asked her what was so funny and she said ‘well…it’s a bit like Alice going down the rabbit hole really. NOTHING will ever be the same again and you have no idea what to expect’. Like you OP - my inside voice was telling her to go away in not such a polite way. I wasn’t naive! I knew what to expect. Almost sixteen years later … if I met that woman again I’d shake her hand. Never truer words spoken 😂

@SpiritOfEcstasy my issue is that she laughed at you. I just don't understand that mentality. A pregnant woman has either decided to get pregnant, or got pregnant accidentally and decided to keep it. What good is it doing to laugh in her face and say "oh just wait, shit is about to hit the fan"! I experienced that a lot, at one family event I had 4 or 5 couples laughing in my face, "oh just wait, you will never sleep again".... I ended up just sitting there not responding to anybody because I had nothing to say to any of them!

YANBU, it’s absolutely tedious and not remotely helpful when people do this.

You are right that it’s only ever negatives! Nobody ever says just wait for that first smile, or just wait til you see them for the first time and realise that OF COURSE it was this baby, you’ve been waiting for them all your life, or just wait until you fall in love with a whole new facet of your partner as he becomes a dad in front of your eyes, or just wait until you bring them home and have that breath-held magic of sitting in your own home with your baby in your arms, or just wait until you’re hanging their first stocking and feeling all over again how magic Christmas can be, or just wait for their first bath when they smell of heaven and are so soft and snuggled, or just wait for when they cuddle you back and your heart explodes, or just wait for the first time you take them out in the buggy thinking you’ll die of pride, or just wait til you discover how strong you are, or just wait til you discover the infinite reserves of love you have to give.

Of course it will be hard and tiring and undo the laces of your life and tie them up completely anew but the hard is so comprehensively dwarfed by the magic. Just wait til you find out just how good it truly is ♥️

Yes it’s annoying. And I’m certain in a few years you’ll end up doing just the same!

Dont sweat it - it comes with the parenting territory. Just treat advice as advice and not instruction and you’ll be fine. And congrats!

Just wait... you will have your baby and as my husband said to me, it is like having a Christmas present every day. The joy a baby can bring is undescribable. Sometimes that present can be unexpected and not what you thought you were going to get, but you adapt and are grateful for what you received because of love. There are tiring parts and my toddler daughter used to knock on the wall and shout will you get in bed with me. Do I wish I could revisit this, absolutely. I am so happy for you and your husband. As you work physically through the tiredness of the initial days, you will find the rhythm of what suits you and your baby and new routines will enable you to find a new version of family which includes this new wonderful member that surprises and delights you every day x I am sending all the love in the world.

That's just the loveliest post I've read in a long time. Motherhood can be hard, of course it can, but it can also be lovely, and as long as we acknowledge both it's healthy.

Firstly and most importantly, congratulations on your rainbow baby, you must be thrilled and you’ve every right to be as excited as you are, you deserve this.

Furthermore, tell anyone you want to fuck off - they’ll only blame it on the hormones anyway and when you’re no longer pregnant you won’t have to deal with them as they’ll be too busy being offended (two birds with one stone) so you won’t have to deal with unhelpful wankers postpartum.

My little miracle turns four in two weeks, I’m still waiting for everything they said she’d be. She was out in less than 2 hours and has been a dream since birth. Unicorn kids do exist (I’m a very chill parent and quite 90’s in my style of parenting despite being 31)

I remind people of what they said, regularly. Because I’m a passive aggressive bitch and I’m still proving the point that they don’t need to wait for me to be pregnant to be rude in response to their shit.

good luck ❤️

People love to do this. When I hear people say just you wait until they are teenagers I delight in telling them by 19 and 16yr olds have never given me a days trouble. Yes parenting is hard, but it’s just so rewarding. I often complain sometimes that I’ve never known an adult life where I can put myself first as I’m 47 and my eldest is 30, youngest 16 and so my kids always come first. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I was thinking last night this is my last summer with 19yr old DS living at home with me as he will be living with his girlfriend next summer and it made me want to rewind and start all over again. Seriously ignore them, they are just people that like to spread doom and gloom. I tell people that of course parenting is hard but there’s nothing like that moment holding your baby in your arms and feeling an overwhelming sense of love and pride. All the best

Completely agree OP. I hated this too.

I was terrified of having a child and spent most of my life not wanting any, but it's been the best thing I've ever done. I absolutely love being around my son and although it's exceptionally hard sometimes, he gives me this complete feeling of contentment and inner peace. I wish I'd known how much I'd love it. If I had the years left and money to give them a good life, I'd happily have a few more.

Weirdly, when you tell people you don't want children they are desperate to tell you why you will or should change your mind. Once pregnant there's a sudden switch where suddenly everyone is like "haha tricked you. Being a parent is awful. Welcome to hell."

I'm wary of sounding like I am dismissing peoples experiences which have been really hard but I've found it much better than all of the awful stories I was told.

The part I struggled most with was the newborn stage as my son had some health problems and it gave me extreme anxiety. I was not doing well mentally and people I considered friends would laugh and say "just you wait. This is the easiest it will ever be." That wasn't true at all. Things got so much better and having a toddler makes me laugh every day. It was a very dark time and I feel sad that so many people only cared about telling me how much worse life would get.

People seem to get annoyed when I mention how much I love life with a toddler. They like to tell me how much worse it gets when they reach (any age older than he is now). Maybe it will. I'm sure there are going to be lots of stages that are harder than others. But I'd go through a million dark newborn stages to have him.

Again, I'm not saying it's easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But I also enjoy it and find more happiness in it than anything else I've ever done.

Misery loves company. A lot of people hate parenthood and regret doing it and feel overwhelming schadenfreude when they see someone who (as they see it) will soon be joining them in the suffering. (These same people are often vicious to the childfree-by-choice who they see as having unfairly ducked out of their proper share of suffering).

It's kind of like how the least-happily attached are always on the case of the single about when they're going to get married.

It’a a pain when people say stupid things about your pregnancy - it’s not like you can change it.
My mum was a lovely, positive lady and I’ll always remember what she said when I was pregnant;
Having a baby is like falling in love every day. Ignore all the moany negative people and shit comments. Congratulations 😊

I remember feeling a little bewildered by these comments when I was pregnant – long time ago.

Once I’d had the baby I totally got them.

You’re being oversensitive and as many others have said get used to it because it won’t get any better in terms of comments from others forevermore.

for every person on here going how marvellous it is waking up every day with a baby there’s another oncewho found it all misery and you just don’t know which one you’re going to be until you get there… Fir most people it’s mixed emotions but motherhood is generally not a hallmark card and it’s good to know that in advance