To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

[squashedsandwich]

I’m excitedly preparing for our much-wanted rainbow baby, researching and preparing everything for her arrival in autumn.

I’ve found pregnancy to show other people’s true colours, if that makes sense. Friends I thought would be there are not, but also vice versa.

One thing I am really tired of hearing from people already with kids is, ‘you’ll know when,’ or ‘just wait until’ or ‘wave goodbye to time with your husband’, ‘you’ll never have money again’. Etc. As though at the moment I am naive and ignorant with no idea what to expect. These comments are never made about positive things either.

I am under no illusion that it’s not going to be incredibly tiring and difficult beyond my current level of comprehension, and change our worlds entirely. I have enough of my own worries about that. Why do people make the ‘just wait’ type comments? Does it make them feel better or more validated?

A few of the comments I’ve had I don’t even think are necessarily true or reflective of how I’m going to be as a parent. My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I’ve been ignoring or closing down the comments with ‘I’m sure you’re right’ for a while, but they are starting to get to me. I wondered if AIBU to cut down my time with people that don’t have anything more positive to say?

I think comedycentral has a point.

First family holiday after an awful year and everyone was saying it would be awful - it was great - went back again.

Getting cats - all wider family were against it - second best thing we ever did - kids being first.

I think those who continually say how awful and hard parenting is are not very happy in their own lives.

Beautiful 🙌🏼🤍

Every baby and every parent is unique imo. My sister was a member of the ‘just you wait brigade’. I never told her or my parents much about my children because of it, I visited, kept visits short and got on with my life. I had 3 under 5 because we wanted our children close together. I never judged friends who couldn’t get out of the house before 2 nor did I enter into conversations about how I managed to get out the house by 9/10am. I smiled and nodded an awful lot back then to avoid judgement from others.

Ignore, enjoy your baby and parent the way you see fit OP and congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think people telling me how awful and hard and unrelentingly shit being a mum was weirdly helped. I’ve felt lucky as a result as my son is a joy. Still get “good baby? Wait til he’s two” He sailed through being two, now I’m getting “wait til he’s three and the threenager years”

Just take it one day at a time OP, once your baby is here. You may find it shit, you might not. Or even a mixture, but you are more than likely going to love it.

Your journey to get here has shown that you are patient, you are resilient, you can bounce back after the most difficult days, even when it seems hopeless.

Of course there'll be really tough moments but they will be interspersed with moments of utter joy and wonder and it will change all of the time.

Mothering a growing, changing baby is nowhere near as hard as what you have been through and survived.

Just wait till baby arrives because it will stop and will be followed by 18 years of 'helpful' parenting advice.

Congratulations op. You do you and just brush off the negative comments. I had three, two planned and one surprise, if I could turn the clock back I would have had more.

There is probably something in this but while I don't want to depress the OP unduly, society does something of a number on mums. It's not surprising that many are unhappy given the huge burden placed on them, although of course it's inaccurate to generalise that others will necessarily face this too. It depends on a lot of social and financial factors and whether you have a supportive partner, supportive employer etc but there's no doubt that the needs of mums come last in too many families.

I've never said it myself and have RBF so I've thankfully mostly avoided being the victim of it too. I think people just see their own past naivety and are letting off steam so it's not worth a second thought. Other times they're perhaps trying to be helpful if it's certain advice, but obviously just because something was a huge deal to them doesn't mean it'll happen to you at all (which is why I never share unless directly asked).

What is a rainbow baby?

I actually think generally,( not always because of asd etc) but most dcs are a reflection of their parents and upbringing. Stressed parents usually have nervous dcs and so on. Same with aggressive parents. Dcs learn behaviour.

I had to Google. Dcs born after still birth or miscarriage.

Many congratulations, people just have to say something, ignore OP.

Unbelievable!

@SnappyCroc I think it is more that it is a surprise to women who have had little contact with babies and children in general.

I also had a rainbow baby and was insanely worried throughout the pregnancy thinking something would happen and I wouldn't have a baby to take home, these thoughts are very common for people with previous losses and comments you received are insensitive.
Try ignoring them - easier said than done. Nobody knows what your experience will be like.

Some things are tough. Be prepared to find some things tough, ask for help if it seems unusually tough, but there are so many things that are fabulous. First smiles, peek a boo, watching them play, first words, their lovely head smell, snuggles, ...

Enjoy each stage as it comes. Prepare for the tough times as they come. (No point worrying about terrible twos or teenagers yet) it's not going to be unrelentingly hard, it's not going to be without any difficulties .

Your sister sounds too negative...

@EnglishBluebell some people find the new born stage the hardest part.

Total bollocks

Read Bringing UP Baby by Daisy Goodwin, it's not a parenting book more a look back through history at parenting advice through the ages and the socio economic influences,it's really fabulous at putting into perspective all the random advice you are given by friends, family, experts and influencers

Let's face it, we've been having babies forever,there are very few things they actually need to thrive. Most of those things are fairly cheap or free but with no money to make with them we have to invent new problems to solve and new things to worry about, relying on our instincts is a thing of the past.

I know it's difficult Op, but your first paragraph is a little telling in that you have chosen to stress the idea of how awaited this baby is. I don't need to point out that a baby conceived in any circumstance can be just as loved and wanted, and I think most would agree, but the whole act of pointing it out says more about how the mother is coping, and this is understandable.

To me it is a sort of sign which means that this hopefully soon to be first time parent is possibly a little more vulnerable and that they would prefer to not hear parents' more difficult views, whereas someone who has already had other children, or at least doesn't emphasise their pregnancy journey, will probably be able to cope better with all the comments that come with pregnancy and child rearing.

Anyway I understand that you wish to surround yourself with positivity. I remember after the birth of my first child I found watching certain programmes on TV and things on the news difficult to cope with. I didn't wish, or more likely couldn't cope with hearing about those things at that time.

Cock head to one side sympathetically

"Oh dear, it sounds like you're really struggling with parenting/ your mental health/ marriage at the moment. Have you thought about looking for a parenting course/ seeing your GP/ getting marriage counselling? I hope it improves, I suppose marriage and children doesn't suit everyone."

Kills three birds with one stone:

• Alerts them to how miserable they sound
• Makes you feel better
• Means you probably won't see much of them going forward.

Congratulations OP!

I think people just like to be a bit know-it-all-y when they've already experienced something and like to make out like they're experts whose duty it is to pre-warn you about absolutely everything!

For what it's worth, the ones I would tell you are, just wait until... your baby smiles at you for the first time, belly laughs until you're also belly laughing, their eyes light up when they see you after a nap, you show them the simplest things and they're filled with wonder and fascination... it's just amazing and you should ignore anyone with nothing to say but doom and gloom! I've had the best eight months of my life with my little one, and everything that people warned me about just doesn't come close to the amazing things I've experienced with him so far! Hope you have an amazing time when your little one arrives!

I hated these comments and actively told people to stop making them. I told the most common “just you wait”ers that I didn’t want to hear any comments that started like that and then repeated that every time they did it. Perhaps it was a bit aggressive on my part but I don’t regret it. It seemed to be a way of invalidating whatever I was experiencing at that moment and it was infuriating. It has mainly stopped now that DS is a toddler - perhaps this was what I was “just you wait”ing for…

Congratulations on your pregnancy!