To avoid the ‘just wait’ brigade

[squashedsandwich]

I’m excitedly preparing for our much-wanted rainbow baby, researching and preparing everything for her arrival in autumn.

I’ve found pregnancy to show other people’s true colours, if that makes sense. Friends I thought would be there are not, but also vice versa.

One thing I am really tired of hearing from people already with kids is, ‘you’ll know when,’ or ‘just wait until’ or ‘wave goodbye to time with your husband’, ‘you’ll never have money again’. Etc. As though at the moment I am naive and ignorant with no idea what to expect. These comments are never made about positive things either.

I am under no illusion that it’s not going to be incredibly tiring and difficult beyond my current level of comprehension, and change our worlds entirely. I have enough of my own worries about that. Why do people make the ‘just wait’ type comments? Does it make them feel better or more validated?

A few of the comments I’ve had I don’t even think are necessarily true or reflective of how I’m going to be as a parent. My sister tells me she hopes I’ve budgeted for a tablet for the baby to stick American YouTube on it because without one we’ll never have a moment’s peace again. It’s up to her if that works for her, of course. It’s just she and one of my friends are pushing their recommendations like this at me as though I’m going to raise my child exactly as they’re raising theirs.

I’ve been ignoring or closing down the comments with ‘I’m sure you’re right’ for a while, but they are starting to get to me. I wondered if AIBU to cut down my time with people that don’t have anything more positive to say?

So they are giving you advice rather than you asking?

As I always said to my mother unasked for 'advice' is actually interference.

There was a time when one became pregnant and then had a baby with some input from medical people in between, one didn't 'research' or read lots of books on the subject and the baby was usually just fine. I honestly think that many people now spend too much time thinking about things which in reality change nothing. Go with your gut would be my unsolicited interference!

Yup. As the parent of two very different children - one a very difficult newborn and then prone to emotional outbursts as she grew, and one a little ray of sunshine 99% of the time, I agree with you.

The causation goes the other way. Everyone remarked on how relaxed DH and I were when DC1 was born. When silent reflux kicked in and we crumbled, those comments stopped.

I'm fully sure if I'd had my babies the other way around I would have assumed the ray of sunshine was down to me being so relaxed. It wasn't, that's just her personality.

Look on this as good practice for what comes later. People forever and a day have offered up unwelcome advice and always will . Start working out those you want to listen to and those best ignored.

You’ll find your way through as we all do and hopefully you will make some life long friends along the way who you will always be grateful to and be there for as you move along the path from babies and toddlers to grandchildren and other things.

We're also expecting our first baby in autumn, but I haven't had any of this. All my family and friends are so positive about everything, I'm sure they haven't loved every minute but I am happy to live naively for now, and discover the hard parts myself. Honestly I'd just shut them down - and maybe get them to talk about other things? I hate the expectation that all I want to talk about is pregnancy/baby stuff. So boring.

I only ever say 'just wait' comments when I'm trying to close down tedious baby/child conversations and want to segue into something more interesting.

I agree and disagree 😂

I absolutely hated how people (even women who hadn’t given birth) told me it was going to be awful. How older mothers said I was going to be fat from now on, and say bye to wearing make up and exercising.

Have just had my third and I’m still running 6 days a week before showing up with my make up on and never became overweight.

Howeverrrrr, some couples really do go in thinking they’re going to be the best parents of all time and everyone else just isn’t as clever as them! Couples like this often fall very flat and many of them have ended up divorced…

My point is: Yes, these comments can be wrong and annoying. But yes, go in knowing that you have NO IDEA what being a parent is like until you’ve lived and breathed it for a while.

I had the total opposite experience. Everyone telling me what a joy it was, how much I would love it, that it is so wonderful. So when I found it harder than I could ever have imagined I felt like a total failure, because for me it was not much of a joy.
So people around me warning me how hard it could be would have been useful!

I remember an ex friend telling me that after the birth of her first child she hadn’t managed to get in the shower until 1.30am. I had no such trouble. Once you establish a routine the baby will thrive on it and there’ll be time for yourself x

It's a balance.

It's not kind to pretend everyone jumps back into size 6 jeans the day after birth, Kate Middleton-style, and can have a fun and leisurely maternity leave. Some women do, the ones who struggle are not failing, they are just unlucky.
Babies come in all personalities and sleep patterns, some sleep, some don't.. AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR PARENTING STYLE.

Some toddlers are easy, others not so much and it goes on. You can't tell, you can't guess, and you can't blame or be smug depending on what child you have. They are individual.

I have never understood people who hated holidays with kids, always loved mine since my kids were babies. We are all different. I didn't have easy kids, I managed expectations 😂

Some people try to warn you, some will be in a constant competition, it never stops.

Once they are in primary school, no one cares at all if your baby slept or not when he was born, if he was BF or formula-fed, if you did purees or baby-led-weaning

Take everything with a pinch of salt, be ready to need help and enjoy your pregnancy. Some women are sick as a dog, others are glowing. Again, it's just luck.

My exact experience. I was so confused. Where was the joy?

A combination of situations made it impossible for me to responsibly have children.

Now I don't have FOMO, I have MO, although my stepdaughter has mitigated some of this.

OP, whatever your experience is, it will be unique, you will handle it in your own way and you will thrive. Just you wait.

Much love.

@Smurf1993 if it's any consolation I felt the same as you at 7 weeks, I just was having the absolute best time and I was thinking it's bound to get harder, but as the weeks and months went on I just found it all more and more enjoyable! My boy is nearly 8 months now and it just gets better and better now he can get around a bit, you can interact with them with and know what makes them laugh, we've just come back from Majorca with him and he was enthralled by everything, I take him on days out and he's fascinated by it all! Honestly when it comes to the baby stage, the best is still yet to come!

My only advice is take it easy and be lazy where it really does not matter. No child was ever damaged by eating ready made weaned food sometimes or by mum refusing to play lets pretend games whenever it was demanded. And at the same time put in the work where it counts. With some things, putting in more work at the beginning makes it easier in the long run.

Hi !

I have a 10 month old and I also got alot of them comments. Ignore them and enjoy your rainbow baby! All babies are not the same. Some sleep well and some not so much. I don't feel like any of the "just wait" comments were actually true !

Congratulations to you and hubby on your pregnancy

Do not over analysis or give head space to these comments people like to make.

Every baby is 100% different.

Good luck with everything

My 'just wait' brigade are currently on 'when they leave home', 'when they have kids of their own', 'when you're asked to baby sit'. I just eye roll them all. I had an easy birth, easy babies who slept, well behaved children and teenagers- think i disappointed them

This is the sort of thing I came on here to say.

This morning the first thing I heard was my three year old saying 'I love you mummy, I just love you so much'. This is how I start most mornings tbh. There's not much I can think of that beats those moments!

I have no idea why so many people live to bring others down and 'share the misery'. People seem to have no idea what effect their words can have, especially when spoken to a first time mum who really has no idea what to expect. Once the baby is here these comments held less weight for me as I had experience of the lovely bits as well as the hard bits, and was 'in the club' as it were. But beforehand they just weren't in the least bit helpful.

I'm quite comfortable with being confrontational/challenging so I used to look them in the eyes and say something like 'Thanks for that attempt to prepare me for the tough moments, but now I'd like to hear three positive statements about parenting please!', actually I remember texting a load of people saying 'I've had nothing but negative stories about parenting this week and am feeling very glum about this impending bump, anyone want to counter it with some nice stories please?'...was amazing what people came out with when invited to share positives. Feels like on the whole having a moan with others is seen as acceptable but being positive is seen as bragging, so sometimes people need encouragement to offer you tales of the nice bits.

I think sometimes “just you wait comments” are aimed at smug (especially first time) parents who have an easy baby and think it’s down to their parenting. In those circumstances it’s easy to think “god just you wait” - don’t worry I never ever say it but it’s even more out of order to say if you haven’t asked for any advice 🤷🏼‍♀️ just ignore them - one way or another it’s usually jealousy!
(I’ll hold my hands up that I’ve definitely thought it a few times when friends with easy babies have asked whether I got my very low sleep needs DD1 into a routine - it was absolutely jealousy and I would simply never say it to them 😂)

I slept horrendously throughout my pregnancy and all people would say to be was “wait til the baby comes you’ll sleep even less!” He was actually a dream newborn and we slept so good those first few months and he continues to be a good sleeper now at 3 years old 😂😂😂

I've had 3 children and these sorts of comments are reserved for first time mothers. I was once pregnant in a lift at work and a stranger said something like "you'll never sleep again" and I said "this is my second child". He then shut up.

The other one is the weird urge to tell horror stories about labour to pregnant women. After you've had the baby it will be "oh the terrible twos/threes/pre-teens/teenagers you've got to look forward to". Personally it's not always easy, but I loved having children.

I think pregnancy/parenting definitely shows a different side to people. The people who are like that just get worse with time. Once they are born it becomes ‘have they reached this random milestone yet?, oh mine was doing that when they come out of the womb, I’m surprised yours can’t!’ And other such crap.
Ignore them and avoid.
I think the problem is a lot of people think they are or will be the perfect parent and each side seems to press buttons in the other. You don’t need the stress if it’s effecting you, so step back and enjoy your pregnancy.

Your sister is ridiculous OP. I have 2 kids, born a bit later on than most, and both were different experiences. However, we don’t have an upside down messy home (it’s not Good Housekeeping, but it’s clean and tidy), we eat together, both DH and I still have activities that we enjoy, and we are a screen free family at home so the YouTube comment is just stupid. Good luck with your pregnancy.

completely ignore them. I've 2 kids 8 and 4 it's not a bit like what those people said. It's heavenly and we don't use screens.

Just you wait isn't helpful anyway. I really struggled with pregnancy, felt horrendous and was ill throughout. I found having a newborn much easier than being pregnant. I just don't suit pregnancy. So me advising someone else would be pointless.

@BlimminCat

mine was doing that when they came out of the womb 😂😂😂

I had people say to me "oh he's not rolling over yet?" when he was six months old and I used to say "no but as long as he can do it by the time he leaves home I'm happy!" It always used to shut people up! Actually transpires that he could roll over very easily but just couldn't be bothered! Don't blame him, I don't fancy rolling either lol