Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

[LooLou89]

My sister lives abroad and was over for a last minute work trip. She only comes over every couple of years. My sister, family, family friends organise a get-together. Lunch, drinks etc.

DH has been in a weird mood for the last couple of weeks. When I tell him about my sister & the family get together, he looks grumy about it, - I say "You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

He says "Great. I won't come"

The day before I'm at work and I'm thinking "why did i say that. it's really weird that he's not coming when everyone else is my whole family & our kids are going"

So I text him from work and say "My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

He replies "No, I don't fancy it"

And sure enough, he doesn't go.

When I came home he said "what excuse did you make" and I said "well i tried to make an excuse but it was pretty weird you not being there"

He got mad and said I was making him feel guilty. And i told him he didn't have to come. I said yes, that's true but i text you the day before asking you to come. He said he didn't want to go as he hates family stuff like that, but he would have come if I'd told him he needed to be there. He says I'm testing him.

I really wasn't trying to. I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view

What do people think?

this is odd

1 why would you want someone like this present at a rare and special family occasion?
2 you provide no clue as to his relationship with your family
3 you said he didn’t need to come but then went back again on the issue

4 obviously this is one issue amongst many in a marriage that is struggling?

"My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

That isn't asking him to come, it's asking what he thinks. If you'd communicated fully and said 'everyone else is going to be there, what excuse shall I give if you don't want to go?' that would have made it clear it will be awkward for you if he doesn't show, and if he wants to avoid it, he needs to help with the excuse.

As it was, you made it sound breezy and up to him, and you took all the responsibility for the angst of the excuse.

You asked him, he says no.

You asked him again, he said no

You get back and say it's weird he wasn't there.

Feels like you are putting a lot of pressure on him.

He didn't want to go. He said so. Twice.

You shouldn’t have said he didn’t have to go if you meant he had to go. So I agree you were testing him. He accepted the offer of declining it and now you’re complaining.

I think he could have made the effort, given your sister hardly visits. Amd got over his grumpiness.

He wanted you to beg him to come. Making out he is sooo important to your day. Bloody man child.

whilst i think he was i fair to have a go at you about what excuse you gave in his behalf

he is damn right insofar as you were testing him

i really don’t get that vibe at all

Would he come to a family even normally?

Why has he been in such a funny mood lately

"Testing him" is such a wierd phrase?

but aren’t you curious about his relationship with her family?

My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think? is not asking him to be there. You previous conversation made it sound like it was acceptable to say no and this text suggests ya the same.

Honestly, suck it up. OP says he hates family stuff and is often grumpy. I say, get over it once every two years. Unless there's some back story about her sister abusing him. Unlikely. Why does she have to beg and plead?

Yeah you said he didn't need to go then said he should have gone. I think you should have been clearer you.were worried about it looking odd before going so he could decide if he wanted to continue to be grumpy about it

I don’t think so. The weird mood was him wondering how to get out of it and he was clearly happy when OP said it was ok not to go.
I think that he didn’t want to go and was happy to be told that it was fine not to go.

Yes, you told him he didn’t have to come and you’d make an excuse, you confirmed again that he didn’t want to come and then you told him it was weird that he didn’t come. Not sure if testing is the right word but you’ve not done a great job at communicating

but we’re always telling mumsnetters “to tell DH he can take the kids alone” to in law events that they hate / feel unwelcome / feel uncomfortable etc in

Communication issue.

i wouldn't have got that you wanted me to go from your message, I'd have thought you were just double checking I still didn't want to!

You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

talk about misleading him op

Yeah you said that he didn't have to come and you didn't actually say in your text that you wanted him to.

Next time just tell him you'd like him to come

I'm afraid you really didn't make it clear that you wanted him to come. I do see why he is annoyed about it.

I think you need to be a lot less ambiguous in your communication. If on reflection you decided it was too weird for him not to be there after saying he didn't have to, you should have said "I've been thinking and I'd really prefer you to come as if will look weird. Will you come after all please?" Because sending a text asking him 'what do you think?' Is just going to get you what he thinks. Which is that he doesn't want to go.

If you want him there don’t say he doesn’t have to go, or ask him whether he wants to or what he thinks. Say you think it’s an important family thing and you’d like him to come and be pleasant about it - perfectly reasonable expectation of a spouse, unless there’s a backstory.

He should go and go with good grace, doesn’t mean he should have to want to go or not take an out if you repeatedly present him with one.

And texts during work, the day before, is not a sensible way to have a conversation with him about something you know he is reluctant to do.

He sounds a grumpy anti-social bugger but I think you need to work on your communication. You seem to have communicated about this in half-questions and oblique replies, rather than being clear and upfront.

If between your first and second conversations you'd said "I've been mulling on this visit from my sister, it's turning into a big family thing and I'll feel weird if you're the only member of the family not there. I know I originally said it was fine if you didn't want to come but on reflection, I'd really appreciate it if we could go together after all - will you come?" how would he have reacted?

If this was a reverse people would be telling the woman that she shouldn’t have to go to an event with inlaws she didn’t want to be around. I don’t know why you told him he didn’t have to come and you’d make an excuse when you didn’t mean it and then came back and brought up the fact he wasn’t there.

You weren’t clear at all in your message, you didn’t tell him he had to go you asked again if he wanted to, which of course he didn’t as he doesn’t seem to like your family.

Most people would suck up a 2 hour visit every few years, the fact he won’t either suggests a big backstory with your family, or a total breakdown in your family unit with him. Possibly counselling might help you both communicate better going forward.