Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

[LooLou89]

My sister lives abroad and was over for a last minute work trip. She only comes over every couple of years. My sister, family, family friends organise a get-together. Lunch, drinks etc.

DH has been in a weird mood for the last couple of weeks. When I tell him about my sister & the family get together, he looks grumy about it, - I say "You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

He says "Great. I won't come"

The day before I'm at work and I'm thinking "why did i say that. it's really weird that he's not coming when everyone else is my whole family & our kids are going"

So I text him from work and say "My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

He replies "No, I don't fancy it"

And sure enough, he doesn't go.

When I came home he said "what excuse did you make" and I said "well i tried to make an excuse but it was pretty weird you not being there"

He got mad and said I was making him feel guilty. And i told him he didn't have to come. I said yes, that's true but i text you the day before asking you to come. He said he didn't want to go as he hates family stuff like that, but he would have come if I'd told him he needed to be there. He says I'm testing him.

I really wasn't trying to. I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view

What do people think?

and that is not this man
as well she’s known
for years
so the choice is hers as he is clearly not going to change. Especially if she plays games like this

not. this. man.

Never has been.

So Op needs to address the fundamental problem - either therapy or divorce

but playing games like this isn’t going to do a damn thing

I don't think that you were testing him. I think that you picked up on the fact he didn't want to go so you gave him the option, but it wasn't what was expected or what you wanted. Hence the wavering.

He's feeling guilty because that he knows that he should have gone rather than paying games.

Write this time off and be blunt the next time. Tell him that you would like him to go and then ask him if he's going. He still gets the option but it's up to him. No cushioning. When your family ask, tell them the truth. He's an adult and not a child who has to be mollycoddled.

So a wife has to go to every single thing her husband does with his family?

This is once in two years so not comparable. If it was every week, i can understand him being grumpy.

@LooLou89

i agree with @musicforthesoul you didn't ask him to go with you, you asked him if he was sure he didn't want to. Totally different questions.

you gave him the OK not to go, now you're bitching that he didn't go.

no wonder he's pissed off

He's being a total pain in the arse.

Fine if he doesn't want to go but wanting you to make him feel good about not going is incredibly immature.

You asked him to go, saw he didn’t want to then told him he didn’t have too.

Then you brought it back up knowing he didn’t want to go which let’s face it was you trying to get him to change his mind.

If you really wanted him there it should of been “I know you don’t like these things but can you just suck up this meal since I really want you there and then you can skive off the next one haha”

That’s not really what’s happened here, he wants her to not make him feel bad, which is totally different, he’s not asked for her to make him feel good, nor is that what the threads about.

My OH is the same, in that he hates attending family events. He’s happy for me and DC to go and he will come to Christmas, our birthday get togethers but is not interested in anything else. I hate this as my family is very close and admittedly live in each others pockets. I see my parents and sibling at least 3-4 times per week. This is his worst nightmare. He is a solitary creature and would prefer to sit at home playing video games than socialise with my family. His family are not close in the slightest so he doesn’t feel the same.

I’ve come to the realisation over the years that I’m happy seeing them and he is happy at home and that’s fine. If it’s something I really want him to attend, such as a wedding, I will ask and he will come. I think that’s fine for a compromise in the grand scheme of things. I think to myself, would I prefer him to be there and uncomfortable/miserable and wanting to leave soon after he got there. And the answer is no. I absolutely get your frustration but you did give him the option so I don’t think it’s fair to be upset about it afterwards.

I wouldn't have pushed him on the subject, he doesn't want to go end of.
I'm not a social animal and hate big family get togethers so I don't go. Anyone gets offended it's their problem, I'm not bothered. I don't 'suck it up' for anyone.

Massively YABU.

You said he didn’t have to go and offered the make up a reason why.

He didn’t want to go so took you at your word.

Then you went back on it and implied he was unreasonable for not going ?!

DH probably behaving like this because he's embarrassed that he didn't go out for the day with your family and wanted to play computer games etc. Bit difficult to come up with an excuse to cover that!
Let him get on with it - personally think he was out of order.
FWIW, my DH is making petty excuses for not going to a big family gathering (his). I'm going irrespective and letting him get on with it. I'm unimpressed by his decision but am letting him make his own excuses!

My OH isn’t keen on family events (even for his family). If I want him to go I just say so and if I’m not bothered I just say so. I also don’t make excuses for him. I accept on mine/kids behalf and say he isn’t going to come. I’ll happily give whatever excuse he requests if it’s his family. If it’s mine I just shrug and say he hasn’t come because he doesn’t feel comfortable in big groups (true). I enjoy seeing and catching up with my family and it’s often more fun being alone so I can do exactly what I want/stay as long as I want.

Ugh. If my husband refused to attend a big family event I'd be rethinking the relationship, and that's before we even get to the reason being so he could play video games! What a selfish child he is.

He didn't refuse though, he was told he had free choice. If OP had said she'd like him there, he'd have gone.

I'm also not sure why wanting some time for video games is any worse than any other hobby.

Stuff like this definitely was a factor that helped grind my marriage to thread bare and then nothing.

Hamming up the curmudgeon: framing visits as such and imposition they were having to do; needing to be begged to go; having to leave earlier and earlier; then not going but needing to be made look good with the excuses. The absolute outrage when I stopped making excuses and just said -he didn’t want to come. Something he wasn’t prepared to do himself, and absolutely not something he was prepared to take any responsibility for the consequences to our marriage and my respect for him.

Your husband is a baby OP, unable to control his own emotions and expecting you to do it for him.

This isn’t about your sister, it is about him bullying you into compliance.

He didn’t refuse.

Give over, he wanted her to lie about the reason.

Or maybe he wanted a day away from his wife who can't take No for an answer and has to make a meal of it.

I don't think you were necessarily testing him, but you weren't very clearly communicating.

In your shoes, once I realised it would be weird I'd have just said "hey, I know I said you didn't have to come, but I've realised everyone else's partners will and it will be weird/embarrassing if you're the only one not so could you please come?".

If he then refused, it would be justifiable to be annoyed with him as he's being difficult but still mostly your fault.

You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"
Did he maybe take this as you didn't want him to come or it's not important that he does? You can't give him an out then get upset he takes it. Why was it awkward, could you not just say he already has plans with friends? Also messaging the day before but not actually saying you'd really like him to come isn't telling him to come. You need to get more direct with your request

Next time just say please come, I would like you to be there

OP, I think you wanted him to go happily and willingly, and were disappointed that he'd rather stay at home on his own. I think you gave him to option to stay behind because he's passive-aggressively spoilt family get-togethers in the past, but really you were hoping he'd step up and act like a decent husband and share the chance to see your sister.

If you were constantly seeing your family it'd be one thing. But your sister lives abroad and this was a rare opportunity for a get together. I'm sorry your DH was so shit about it, and I suspect this is the thin end of a crap wedge in your marriage.

Exactly this. If someone did that to me, I would be upset. And I wouldn’t feel that I could trust or rely on that person.