Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

[LooLou89]

My sister lives abroad and was over for a last minute work trip. She only comes over every couple of years. My sister, family, family friends organise a get-together. Lunch, drinks etc.

DH has been in a weird mood for the last couple of weeks. When I tell him about my sister & the family get together, he looks grumy about it, - I say "You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

He says "Great. I won't come"

The day before I'm at work and I'm thinking "why did i say that. it's really weird that he's not coming when everyone else is my whole family & our kids are going"

So I text him from work and say "My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

He replies "No, I don't fancy it"

And sure enough, he doesn't go.

When I came home he said "what excuse did you make" and I said "well i tried to make an excuse but it was pretty weird you not being there"

He got mad and said I was making him feel guilty. And i told him he didn't have to come. I said yes, that's true but i text you the day before asking you to come. He said he didn't want to go as he hates family stuff like that, but he would have come if I'd told him he needed to be there. He says I'm testing him.

I really wasn't trying to. I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view

What do people think?

He’s an arsehole if he won’t participate in your family life with you when your sister only comes over once every couple of years.

He sounds like the autistic people in my family who struggle with social occasions. Best solution we've found is to travel separately and each leave when you want. Sometimes just having an "out" means that they can relax and enjoy the occasion rather than feeling trapped in a situation they can't control. He also needs clear communication. If you want him there tell him directly. Win win. 🙂

They're your family, not his. I don't get the big deal.

I find MN so weird. Does everybody do all their family meetings alone? See each other's family singly? Leap to autism and various diagnoses if men are grumpy asocial bastards and can;t be bothered to make an effort once a year?

But mention solo travels, and people are like "Why would you travel alone or go to the theatre alone or go to a cafe alone?".

Totally agree, want you to make excuses for him keep him in a good light with family, wow!! So next time don't make excuses for him, he doesn't have to go but of course but by go attending he's put you in a situation too, stay strong, bloody men and their moods

the OP offered to give an excuse!!!

i find posters that plough in with “everyone” but don’t actually bother to read all the posts “weird”

The OP clearly offered an excuse because she is scared to rock the boat with her grumpy DH. It was too much effort for her.

Is he autistic?

If no additional needs then it's pretty poor form. Your family probably don't like him either.

exactly

unhappy marriage where people are grumpy, playing games and not wanting to be together

@politicalintrigue I am not talking about just this post, which is why I said MN is weird, not this thread. The amount of social anxiety on MN is off the charts.

SO many threads about people asking whether weird to eat alone / holiday alone

and practically every thread i see is unanimous… go for it OP. Not weird at all!!

but you posted the view on this thread

which does sort of imply you thought it about this thread

I am not pressed enough to start a separate thread at 7.15 am.

YES, You ARE being unreasonable and unfair on your husband. You clearly haven't told us all the backstory here but you TWICE gave him the option to come along or not and he TWICE declined.
You could have just said he was ill! Nothing "weird" about that. If someone is ill they cannot attend a family event. So, obviously there is more to this story than you have chosen to divulge on here. Regardless of the backstory, someone should never be forced into doing something they don't want to...end of story.

Agree

thank goodness

UANBU - I think he was rude & should have made the effort anyway, whether he felt like it or not. And an adult playing video games just makes me want to puke.

2 examples my sister always went to family events by herself. My daughter even went to christmas day lunch without her partner just herself +kids. Both divorced.

the non attendance of the partner was the manifestation of a fundamentally unhappy marriage

I mentioned autism two posts before yours. I'm autistic (female). I'm planning to go to my SIL's 40th birthday weekend later this year which I know I'll find difficult (250 miles from home and lots of people / social expectations). I'll decline an invitation to Asia next year to celebrate the same SIL's 10th wedding anniversary (sensory overload with different climate, foods, smells etc and difficulties with extended periods of socialising in large groups of people). I did go to Thailand for their wedding and had a stomach ache for 6 months beforehand with anxiety. Like the OP's husband, I'd find a family meal with someone who only visits once every 2 years incredibly difficult because of the increased social expectations. Even more so if it's not clear if I need to be there or not. I do love solo travels though. 🙂

Op's husband has not been diagnosed autistic and there is nothing to say that he is not simply grumpy or miserable for whatever reason. There are plenty of those too.

I would have read your text as just checking with him in case he really did want to come after all, just to be sure he does not feel excluded by you. I wouldn't have read it as an actual request to come with you, so I wouldn't have thought you were overriding your instruction of the previous day which was he didn't have to come if it he didn't want to. But you later sounded like you were offended he didn't come. I think you both just need to communicate better. If you want him to come, say so clearly.

Personally I would not want to beg my husband to come with me, I would not even invite him to the next family thing, I would say when I am going to a family thing I will mention it but I will go alone with the children.I would not want to have to worry about entertaining a man child in the corner, i want to enjoy my time with my family. X

If its important to you then you need to speak clearly, not talk in riddles.