Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

[LooLou89]

My sister lives abroad and was over for a last minute work trip. She only comes over every couple of years. My sister, family, family friends organise a get-together. Lunch, drinks etc.

DH has been in a weird mood for the last couple of weeks. When I tell him about my sister & the family get together, he looks grumy about it, - I say "You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

He says "Great. I won't come"

The day before I'm at work and I'm thinking "why did i say that. it's really weird that he's not coming when everyone else is my whole family & our kids are going"

So I text him from work and say "My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

He replies "No, I don't fancy it"

And sure enough, he doesn't go.

When I came home he said "what excuse did you make" and I said "well i tried to make an excuse but it was pretty weird you not being there"

He got mad and said I was making him feel guilty. And i told him he didn't have to come. I said yes, that's true but i text you the day before asking you to come. He said he didn't want to go as he hates family stuff like that, but he would have come if I'd told him he needed to be there. He says I'm testing him.

I really wasn't trying to. I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view

What do people think?

Your attention was clearly elsewhere. How dare you!

Exactly. If someone says it is entirely up to me, I assume it is entirely up to me. If they say they really want me to do something then I try and psych myself up to do it. I assume people say what they mean. This may be unusual, but I've always done this. I assume people mean what they say.

What a miserable partner, of course he should go

There is no issue between my H and my family at all. They are so lovely to him and he would say that same.

He's always so grumpy at that stuff so i guess I thought it would be less stressful without him.

OP to me there seems to be a significant disconnect between these two statements. What actually is his relationship with them? Why is he always grumpy?

While in this particualr instance it's down to you not saying what you mean, it feels like there's something deeper going on here.

I hope your communication style is much better in other areas of your marriage, as this is just weird.

You must be clearer about your needs and you can't tell someone they don't have to do a thing, while expecting them to do it nonetheless.

You told him he could skip it, and he did. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

The absolute most generous interpretation of your behaviour here is that you've been silly.

You didn’t say ‘will you come’ you said ‘do you want to come’. Those are two completely different questions. Your man isn’t a mind reader. You need to be clearer about what you want and if you aren’t then don’t blame him for not getting it right.

Oh god, another man who can’t think for himself and needs a woman to use small, simple instructions for him to behave like an adult. I bet he doesn’t have to speak to you like that to be involved with his family. Sometimes you just have to suck it up even if it’s not the most fun thing to do, it’s called being part of a family unit. Why can’t he use his own initiative about these things? It’s not a communication issue, it’s a manchild one.

You are both wrong.

As you don't have any issues with family, there was no excuse for him not fancying it. Your sister is hardly ever here, so quite frankly, suck it up.

But you should have been clearer on your expectations rather than half allowing him to opt out.

Yes you were testing him @LooLou89 and he failed

He engineered a situation where you gave him an opt out bc he was being such a grumpy cunt so it was easier for you to let him out of the family do so he could blob at home on the playstation like a teenager

then when you couldn’t actually believe he was going to go through with it he got shitty because your very mild question (“are you going to come?”) reminded him that he was actually being a selfish pig. This is also somehow your fault

What an arsehole

it also seems there's a bigger issue here that he's generally grumpy and doesn't wnt to spend time witn you and the dc.

I was married to a man like this for years @LooLou89

Selfish, moody, always trying to get out of anything social that I wanted to do with family or friends, any events to do with the kids he weaseled out of, I was a single mother long before my marriage ended.

Now I am in a relationship with a man who would be utterly mortified if his behaviour made me unhappy, loves going to things as a couple, is so welcoming to my friends and loves (or does a very convincing impression of loving) going to family events with my very large, loud, at times quite annoying family. The difference is night and day. I can’t believe I lived with such a toxic drain for so long.

He didn't want to go, told you so, and didn't go.
To then ask him to change his mind the night before the event is unreasonable.
I also don't see why it's weird he wasn't there. Why not just say, oh he isn't feeling well, or he didn't fancy it. You don't need to make a big deal. Surely he's not such a charismatic hero figure to your family that they were crushed and bereft to be deprived of his presence?
I wouldn't want someone to come unwillingly to an event. Honestly I think you sound a bit unreasonable in this case. That's not to say your husband isn't an arse in other ways though.

Disagree- it’s communication.

If OP had said « please can you come » or « it would really mean a lot if you could come » or similar AND THEN he had said he wasn’t coming then yes, you have a man child.

But that’s not what happened! OP said he didn’t have to come and she would make an excuse. I think when you’re communicating with your spouse you should be entitled to take what they say at face value. She said he didn’t have to come so he didn’t. End of.

It is not his job to get out his crystal ball and magically guess that she doesn’t mean what she says! He shouldn’t have to do the additional emotional labour of interrogating every statement she makes and guessing that she doesn’t mean what she says and him doing the opposite thing. That’s not fair on him.

Next time this comes up OP needs to decide what she really wants, say that to him clearly, and THEN see what happens. If he is a dick after that then fair - be annoyed.

Her second message was clear in asking him to rethink his stance. Men don’t need everything written out in small letters. The fact he needed to be asked at all, on tenterhooks that he will either say no or will be a grumpy arse even if he does come shows this is much bigger than how the op speaks to him. He’s not bringing any value to the family dynamics here is he - needs to be told to come like a moody teen. Very unattractive.

I don't really know in this situation but with my DH I have stopped making excuses, I just say he didn't want to come and leave it at that.

Sometimes my family are upset but it's not really anything to do with me and I don't feel the need to try and convince him to come to things or to explain his absence.

I'm really surprised at all the people saying YABU. To me this sounds like a clear case of 'I just don't want to, but I want you to make it all OK that I don't want to, so nobody thinks I am being a bit of an ar$e (which by asking this I clearly fully realise I am)'.

I don't think OP should have to say 'please would you come, pretty please, it would mean a lot to me and I'd be so grateful if you would come', and I don't think she should have to spell out how inconsiderate it is of her feelings, how rude it looks to her family if he chooses not to, and that it's not her job to make up elaborate excuses for him so they still like him. People judge us by our how we behave, he doesn't get to duck out of a fairly simple thing and still have people think the same of him. He either cares what her family think (so go or contact them himself ahead of time and make his apologies) or he doesn't (so don't go, but don't expect OP to clean up the impression this creates).

It feels here like the expected standard of 'clear communication' here is OP spelling out in words of one syllable how to be a decent adult in a relationship. Ugh, must be exhausting.

Op this scenario sends shivers down my spine because I am married to a man like this - refuses to in any way consider the impact on others, will do something “if you told me it’s important to you” but doesn’t make a jot of effort to have empathy and proactively think about what would make their spouse feel cared for. I have reluctantly accepted it but would not marry a man like this if I had my time over.

People who are not married to this type of man will talk to you (as they have in this thread) about clear communication but with this type of man clear communication becomes almost an act of aggression (for him) and persistence (for you) as you know you will have to stand your ground and ignore all the emotional manipulation as you clearly ask for something pretty trivial in the scheme of things that requires him to do something he wouldn’t otherwise want to do (ie isn’t for his direct benefit).

only you know if he’s this type of man or whether he was just having an off day.

She changed her mind the day before and expected him to change his plans! No, why should he at that point? He shouldn’t be pushed around and have plans changed at the last minute because OP can’t say what she wants. Again- unfair on him. No wonder the poor fucker is grumpy!

Everyone - men included - should have honest communication in their relationships. Yes, it is about spelling out what you want and what makes you happy because we’re all so different.

You know, I don't think in real life anyone would be as laid back as we're expected to be on Mumsnet about stuff like this. If you're in a committed relationship with someone you accept that sometimes you do stuff you don't want to because the other person wants you to. You go to their family events with a good grace.

i agree. All this stuff about " I don't suck it up for anyone". I mean, not even once a year? I am married to an extreme introvert, and we do a lot of stuff apart, but even he comes with me for these rare family events and puts on a happy face. As do I. In fact we went away for the weekend with my sister who rarely visits, and I could tell he was tired and wanted a day on his own, but he made the effort.

I would be really annoyed married to such a grumpy arse.

Oh noooo, change his plans from sitting around playing video games? I bet he has to complete it before he gets back to school in September, only six weeks to go 🙄. I bet he was grumpy, all the other mums let their teenagers get on with it without expecting them to go to silly family events…

LTB

😂 just being daft now…

He's an adult and can choose where he goes. If he seems grumpy and isn't communicating you can't read his mind.

My policy is that I'll ask once when the event is arranged, and then again a day or two before (in case he changed his mind) then just carry on with my plans. I don't make excuses either, if someone asks me why DH isn't there i just say he didn't fancy it. My family aren't drama seekers though, so they usually say "give him our love" and we all get on with our lives.