Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

[LooLou89]

My sister lives abroad and was over for a last minute work trip. She only comes over every couple of years. My sister, family, family friends organise a get-together. Lunch, drinks etc.

DH has been in a weird mood for the last couple of weeks. When I tell him about my sister & the family get together, he looks grumy about it, - I say "You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

He says "Great. I won't come"

The day before I'm at work and I'm thinking "why did i say that. it's really weird that he's not coming when everyone else is my whole family & our kids are going"

So I text him from work and say "My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

He replies "No, I don't fancy it"

And sure enough, he doesn't go.

When I came home he said "what excuse did you make" and I said "well i tried to make an excuse but it was pretty weird you not being there"

He got mad and said I was making him feel guilty. And i told him he didn't have to come. I said yes, that's true but i text you the day before asking you to come. He said he didn't want to go as he hates family stuff like that, but he would have come if I'd told him he needed to be there. He says I'm testing him.

I really wasn't trying to. I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view

What do people think?

Yes he is isn’t he. Imagine knowing there’s family plans with someone they don’t see often and choose to take it as an opportunity to lock yourself away with video games. I wonder if the op does the same when it involves his family and taking their children out.

I don't think OP should have to say 'please would you come, pretty please, it would mean a lot to me and I'd be so grateful if you would come', and I don't think she should have to spell out how inconsiderate it is of her feelings, how rude it looks to her family if he chooses not to, and that it's not her job to make up elaborate excuses for him so they still like him.

“But I shouldn’t have to tell him! He should know!! Waaaaaaahhhh!!!!!”

He’s been miserable and grumpy for weeks before knowing about this family get together

He has always hated similar get togethers

The OP knew he didn’t want to come and indicates she was totally cool with it and infact would think up an “excuse” on his behalf

And then gets in an arse when he doesn’t do a 180

it is an unhappy marriage and both are miserable and playing silly games (well the op in this case in the one playing the game)

@NiceCutRoundDomeDormice "
“But I shouldn’t have to tell him! He should know!! Waaaaaaahhhh!!!!!”"

Absolutely yes. Sometimes he should. When it's something perfectly normal like going to a family gathering as a family. Putting yourself out a bit to please your partner, even if you don't specially want to. Because we're talking about grown ups here, not moody teenagers here.

Then why did OP give him an “out”? She was 100% testing him!

in a happy loving and supportive marriage… yes

but this marriage clearly is not that. So perhaps he didnt want to fake it.

exactly

and even said she’d make up an excuse for him!

But he expects her to fake (a) the fact he’s at home in a darkened room gaming like a teenager and (b) the fact she’s disappointed because she knows he couldn’t give a flying fuck about her if her family.

I hate big events with lots of people. I literally sit there feeling like my skeleton is trying to climb out of my body and run away. I like DPs family, but vastly prefer seeing just one or two of them at a time.

However, I go to them, because DP wants me to. But if she gave me the option of not going, then I'd accept that offer in a heartbeat, and be properly miffed if it then turned out she hadn't really meant it.

You offered him the choice of not coming. He (gratefully) accepted it. I hate that sort of affair too.

Indeed if dh every uttered those amazing words “you don’t have to come to my mothers this weekend for gathering” I think my heart would skip a beat and I’d honestly fall in love a little more. If I accepted that amazing offer then after he was like well
why didn’t you come, I wanted you to come…

Id be like huh wtf you said I could stay home it was your idea!!!

This.
He's not a child not to be able to make this choice.

Lesson from this is to be more clear when communicating and say exactly what you want and to accept a "no" if that is the answer. You can say that you are disappointed that he can't put himself out for others, but don't ever offer to make excuses or anything for him.

It's mumsnet logic (driven heavily by projection): wife's family good. Husband's family bad.

He doesn’t want to go. End of. You’re acting like a puppet master

Men generally don't think the way we do imo. They can't read minds and nor do they get hints. I'm always direct and unambiguous with my DH and we rub along just fine. Communication is the key here!

My husband hates family get togethers and socialising.

I told my family years ago that he hates these types of things.

They love and accept him even if he doesnt want to have dinner or parties with them.

He and I agree in advance when there are events that duty requires attendance, funerals, weddings, major events, and include the exit strategies and how we support each other.

By communicating openly, his weirdness (unsociable/sociably inept/anxiety), is completely accepted and understood and we avoid upsets.

Be a team. Be kind to each other. Don't set traps.

I wouldn't bother making excuses for him.
Just tell everyone the truth, he doesn't want to come.
Then, if they happen to see him, they can ask him why he didn't want to join the family, and you can leave him to make his own excuses.

You shouldn’t have made an excuse for him. Yes, it’s weird but some relationships work that way. My daughter and her boyfriend are like that - he doesn’t really get involved with our family and she doesn’t with his. Tbh it’s odd that we make our partners spend time with our families when they often don’t like/get on/want to. Your hubby is married to you, not them. It works both ways - if you don’t want to spend time with his family you shouldn’t have to either. If you’re being honest with yourself, did you want him there to share the event, or simply so that you weren’t embarrassed and felt you had to make an excuse? There’s no need for excuses. My daughter usually says that her boyfriend decided he wanted to stay home and do some things around the house, and we take the hint. If he doesn’t want to spend time with us I’m not going to pressure my daughter into forcing him! But it sounds as though you think there’s more to it. If he’s generally acting grumpy and unhappy maybe try to get to the bottom of it - that sounds more important right now. He’s a grown man and it’s not up to you to allow him to attend or not attend any event. X

Us women are good at getting subtle hints and reading between the lines but the men not so much! They need clear and direct instructions. Having said that OP you were put on the spot a bit having to come up with an excuse, and he obviously knew that was not going to look good. I wouldn't have married someone who would prefer to sit on his ass playing video games than see my family so you have my sympathy there.

More open communication required.
You wanted him there & should have said so. If he still refused to come then you need to consider what else he does or does not do to prioritise you & vice versa.

If you want him to come, you need to tell him. And pick the ones you actually want him to attend. And I wouldn't make excuses. If asked just stay he stayed at home. I totally understand wanting him want to be there or not really questioning if he fancies it. But wanting to be part of the extended family etc.

My partner doesn't like family events and they're a lot lore enjoyable for me when he doesn't attend. Just knowing he's likely miserable kinda makes me enjoy it less.

I'd be really upset if I were him.

OP: "You don't have to come"
Him: "ok"
OP: pissed he didn't come

Him: *pissed she told me I didn't have to come, now making me feel guilty for not coming, and WORSE, made me look like a jerk as she told me she'd made up an excuse, and didn't.