Am I being unfair on DH? He says I'm 'testing him'.

[LooLou89]

My sister lives abroad and was over for a last minute work trip. She only comes over every couple of years. My sister, family, family friends organise a get-together. Lunch, drinks etc.

DH has been in a weird mood for the last couple of weeks. When I tell him about my sister & the family get together, he looks grumy about it, - I say "You don't have to come though, I can make some excuse"

He says "Great. I won't come"

The day before I'm at work and I'm thinking "why did i say that. it's really weird that he's not coming when everyone else is my whole family & our kids are going"

So I text him from work and say "My sister is going to be there. Do you want come with me and the kids? What do you think?"

He replies "No, I don't fancy it"

And sure enough, he doesn't go.

When I came home he said "what excuse did you make" and I said "well i tried to make an excuse but it was pretty weird you not being there"

He got mad and said I was making him feel guilty. And i told him he didn't have to come. I said yes, that's true but i text you the day before asking you to come. He said he didn't want to go as he hates family stuff like that, but he would have come if I'd told him he needed to be there. He says I'm testing him.

I really wasn't trying to. I guess he is often grumpy at these things. I don't know. I can see his point of view

What do people think?

I don’t think she was testing him, I think she was treading on eggshells, trying not to make a grumpy bastard even more grumpy because it makes her life miserable. So she was trying to keep the peace by giving him a get-out but hoping he wouldn’t take it. Hoping he’d act like a reasonable adult and make the decision himself that the right thing to do was make an effort and come. But he didn’t, because he’s a pathetic man-child who’d rather play video games. And then he’s happy because in saying it was weird he didn’t go, she puts herself into the wrong in his eyes, so he can then wallow in more grumpiness.

Just my take on it.

Not sure you’re entirely happy in this marriage OP? My friend ended her marriage because her husband was always playing video games by the way.

Is there anything you do for him that you don't like? If so, stop doing it. If he isn't prepared to do stuff for you don't do it for him.

You said don't come here agreed not to come.

You changed your mind and sent a message encouraging him to come he said no.

I'd say that's on you if you wanted him to come you shouldn't have said don't come.

The telling family, really he should making his own apologies and why should you lie for him?

😂

Personally in your shoes I wouldn’t make an excuse for him, he didn’t want to go and I’d say so… when he asks what you said I’d say ‘I said you didn’t want to come’….
He’s a grown man FFS! Tell him to grow up!
He didn’t want to come and didn’t go so why did he even ask you about it? He’s made himself feel guilty by questioning you and frankly he’s testing you by putting you in that position…. Hence why I wouldn’t lie to my family for him! Next time don’t invite him! Then when you’re asked where he is and why he didn’t come you can simply say ‘he’s at home and I didn’t invite him!!’

Or he just didn’t particularly want to go.

In the immediate situation here I think you can’t have it both ways: if it’s important enough to you that you want him to come you need to tell him directly and not say you don’t mind.

However I think it’s lame in the extreme that he regards it as such a chore to exert himself once in a blue moon or spend time with your family. I couldn’t respect someone who tried to get out of a rare family gathering to stay home and play video games.

You didn’t ask him to come you asked him if he wanted to come

There is no issue between my H and my family at all. They are so lovely to him and he would say that same. He just wanted to stay home and play video games without me and the kids in his hair. He told me that.

Jesus, pathetic.

Your husband's a dickhead when your married or in a committed relationship you go to these sort of things, I've got a 3 night trip with my wife's family coming up not keen on going, but I won't make my feelings known, I'll go and probably have quite a nice time.

I think you should leave him alone - if he says no, don’t put pressure on him. Not everyone enjoys family gatherings - it’s your family, it wasn’t wedding or funeral.
i never have any pressure on me to go to my DH’s large family gatherings thank God - sometimes I choose to go and other times I’m “busy “, nobody thinks any less of me or thinks it’s weird.
We're not all extroverts - sometimes it’s exhausting.

This is likely yet another point of tension and argument in a fundamentally unhappy marriage on its way out

@Rosejasmine

I never have any pressure on me to go to my DH’s large family gatherings thank God - sometimes I choose to go and other times I’m “busy “, nobody thinks any less of me or thinks it’s weird.
We're not all extroverts - sometimes it’s exhausting.

You don’t have to be an “extrovert” to understand that maintaining a relationship with your spouse’s dearest people is important.

Sometimes you have to take yourself out of your comfort zone. That’s part and parcel of being married to someone.

You don’t need to be in their pockets or do it every week but if you can’t do it occasionally you shouldn’t be married.

Extroverts find their spouses families draining too.

This is not an introvert vs extrovert thing.

@Rewis

This is not an introvert vs extrovert thing

Thank you.

So tired of people using “introversion” as a get out of jail free card for lame, antisocial and misanthropic behaviour.

You two just need to communicate better!

OP won’t return to this one

but will start another thread at some point soon about her marriage that is quite clearly rotting

i always chuckle at the whiff of superiority

generally self proclaimed “introverts” enjoy worthy past times such as reading and gardening whilst extroverts are all drinkers and loud and self obsessed!

True, but we know you can't help it.

help what?

I would prefer not to have him there if he obviously finds these get together testings. I don't think it is for you to make excuses for him. I would have just said he finds these large family gatherings difficult. Maybe you could as a family go visit your sister? Not being unreasonable but maybe be more explicit in your expectations of him joining you at family gatherings.

Just leave it now and don’t go to his family events in the future .

This ... entirely !!

My Dh is an extreme introvert. But he makes an effort if my family visits. It;s important to me. I wouldn't ask him to do that every week, or even every two weeks. But once or twice a year, definitely.

what a lovely marriage and happy sounding environment for the children

tit for tat and spiteful parents

or rather… address what sounds like serious and growing problems in this marriage. Have you got to the bottom of why he has been so grumpy for the weeks before this Op?